Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Thursday, December 28, 2006

another 100 things about ME

alright, so about 2 years ago, i did one of those "100 things about me" lists. well, i think it's about time for another list, and since i am my favorite subject, here is (drumroll please)...ANOTHER 100 THINGS ABOUT ME!! TA-DA!!

101. i'm bad at math, and frequently count on my fingers.
102. i have cavities in two of my wisdom teeth.
103. i get paranoid when i'm sick.
104. for about a week, i believed that the third floor at work was haunted.
105. i think i may have a caffeine addiction, and drink coffee and energy drinks like they're going out of style.
106. i repeat myself.
107. i have the weird ability to remember most of my dreams. i can recall at least one a night (or day) and usually very vividly.
108. i start humming without realizing it, and normally it's music from a commercial.
109. i repeat myself.
110. i use bits and peices of others personalities to form my own.
111. i steal peoples' words, also. #110 was from kurt cobain.
112. i used to daydream about living in the mall. i thought it would be so cool to kick everyone out except for the food court workers, then run around playing in the stores and fountains, then sleeping in the beds at the mattress stores at night.
113. i take things as signs and omens, even when they're probably not.
114. i secretly believe the answers i get from magic 8 balls, unless it's not the answer i want.
115. my house is messy. i clean up after myself everywhere else but not at home.
116. my brain is messy, too.
117. i forget to pay bills on time. i get disconnection notices from the electric company every month and earlier this month, i had my water shut off.
118. i have no problem sleeping for 12 hours.
119. i get spooked easily when i'm alone at night.
120. when i discover a new way to get somewhere, i tell people that i invented that road.
121. i believed in santa claus until i was 12. no lie.
122. when i eat oranges, i have this gross habit of chewing the slices up until i've sucked all the juice from them, then spitting the rest out in a napkin and throwing it away when no one is looking.
123. i snore loudly when i have a cold.
124. i have very tiny cat-like sneezes, but honk real loud when i blow my nose.
125. i love to dance in the rain.
126. i like kissing in the rain, too.
127. in an argument, i never like to admit i may be wrong, and make like i'm the expert. i'm only right about half the time.
128. i give very bad directions.
129. i call my mom Flipper.
130. i want a cat, but i don't want to take care of one or put a litterbox anywhere in my house.
131. Rockstar energy drinks make me pee florescent.
132. i frequently ramble on when talking to people and end up not remembering what my point was.
133. i've been told i have monkey toes.
134. i live in the town i was born, but have only lived here a year.
135. i make a wish every time the clock says 11:11.
136. i only paint my toenails once every couple months. the rest of the time, they look like peeled-polish nightmares.
137. i get nosey when i go into other peoples' houses.
138. i've always dreamed of having beaded curtains but i've never had a cool place to put them.
139. i used to pretend i was watching a movie on the insides of my eyelids when i was younger. i would close my eyes and replay a movie i had just seen in my head.
140. i think i'm a lot tougher than i actually am.
141. i write less poetry when i'm taking Celexa, but when i go off my medication, i feel like i'm going mad.
142. i wear Crocs shoes, and i actually think they look pretty damn cute.
143. my self image doesn't match the way i look.
144. sometimes i wish i was more ethnic or exotic. i'm german/irish and feel so bread and butter, plain. i want to be spicy.
145. i space off in the shower and just stare at the wall and daydream, then realize i've been in there for like, 45 minutes when the water gets cold.
146. i'm a nut for crossword puzzles and sudoku.
147. i'm a wheel of fortune and jeopardy fan.
148. i don't capitalize things on purpose, in case you were wondering.
149. i growl like a gay chewbacca when i'm annoyed.
150. i still have my old ponytail from a haircut 6 years ago. and it's still surprisingly soft and managable.
151. i like shopping for school supplies.
152. i try to be nice to homeless people.
153. i don't like tea or lemonaid.
154. i know little to nothing about cars, which i'm sure is why mine broke.
155. i somehow manage to talk about poo or vomit when people are eating (especially charlie), without meaning to.
156. my favorite color is orange.
157. i've smoked for exactly half of my life, and plan to quit after new years.
158. i still have my diary that i started when i was 12. i write in it about once a year now.
159. i wish vlasic would sell some of their jars of pickles without the peels. that's my least favorite part of the pickle.
160. my middle name is Raye.
161. i can't wiggle my ears or flare my nostrils, yet my son, davey can do both. how he taunts me.
162. when people don't show up when they say they will, i always imagine the worste case scenario, like what if they crashed their car and died.
163. i wanted to be cyndi lauper when i was young.
164. when i was little, i thought that there was a crazy old man who roamed around at night looking for little kids to eat, and that he picked his teeth with their bones.
165. i'm more physically flexible than i look.
166. i think farts are funny.
167. i like big old suitcases (like the one george bailey had in It's a Wonderful Life, "I want a BIG one!"), none of these annoying rolly ones.
168. for about one whole week in 1998, i seriously considered joining the navy. but then i returned to sanity.
169. when i was 11, i let the earring holes grow shut in my ears, only to repierce them with a paper clip 4 years later. ouch.
170. i like to pet things with my feet, and most times i don't even notice i'm doing it.
171. i collect frog knick knacks.
172. sometimes i forget how old i am. i have to think about what year i was born and calculate it in my head. this started happening when i hit 25 and is only getting worse.
173. i have never forgotten how old davey is.
174. i love to swim, but haven't been swimming in three years.
175. i have a bit of a sway back.
176. i have never used 'home row' while typing, and i still look down at the keyboard, too. i refuse to learn the "right way."
177. i've worn glasses since i was 7 and contacts since i was 15.
178. i have at least three secret blogs floating around the net, and would be mortified if anyone i knew read them.
179. when i was 8, i had a crush on micheal j. fox.
180. when i was 10, i had a crush on axl rose.
181. sometimes i lay on the floor, on my back and imagine what it would be like to walk on the ceiling.
182. i like the smell of national geographic magazines.
183. i'm afraid i may be a tad bit bipolar, but i'm afraid to talk to a doctor about it, because i don't want my suspicions confirmed.
184. i've been borrowing charlie's vacuum cleaner for six months.
185. my eyeballs are football-shaped, slightly pointy, which to me is kinda gross.
186. my older brothers used to call me "goo" and "juicyfruit" when i was little.
187. i'm still bitter about never having a Lite Brite or real Slip n' Slide growing up.
188. i listen to Devo sometimes.
189. sometimes i wish i could shrink charlie down and put him in my pocket and carry him around with me everywhere.
190. if i had more money, i'd probably order pizza every night. mmmm...pepperoni and onions....and green peppers...now my tummy's growling.
191. i like jigsaw puzzles and board games, but can never find anyone other than my mom that wants to play them with me.
192. i have a overwhelming urge to pop bubble wrap whenever i'm around it. it relieves stress and the sound is just...neat.
193. i still like disney's The Little Mermaid.
194. i own Hello Kitty underwear.
195. i sniff Sharpie pens and fingernail polish remover, but only once in awhile. and not enough to be considered huffing.
196. i don't like to wear shoes. or socks. they are foot prisons.
197. i love pop-up books.
198. i have to use a pencil to turn on/off my TV and change the volume, because three of the buttons have popped off of it.
199. this list has taken me three days to write.
200. i like it when people comment on my blog (hint, hint)

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

christmas...

it's over, and that's kinda sad and a bit of a relief. same feeling every year, i guess. i got all my shopping done and what i didn't do, TOO LATE, it's not getting done now, anyhow. soon i'll be putting the tree away and the living room will be back to it's normal, unfestive state.

*sigh*

i miss christmas when i was a kid. when it took forever for christmas to come, and i only had to spend $40 of my parents' money to buy gifts for the entire family. and i got to chill for two weeks with nothing to do but enjoy the snow.

i spent more money than i could technically afford this year on gifts. christmas snuck up way too fast and was over before i could get enough of it. there was no snow, only rain and fog. and on top of this, i had to leave the confines of my parents' cozy festive house to come into work tonight.

aside from all this, though, my weekend was awesome. i had a fun time with charlie, had a great time at my parents' house, got a used recliner, a new pink digital camera and ate too much ham and macaroni. davey got loads of gifts from...everyone. most of it having something to do with superman. the gifts i gave were well received, and i got to chill and watch White Christmas with my mom. aaaaaaah, good times.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

copycat

if you'll glance over to the sidebar on the left, you'll notice i stuck a little meebo widget up so anyone can chitty-chat with me. that is, if you happen to be up at the hours that i'm normally online. i stole this idea from daniel, who just happens to have a wicked new blog. i'm a widget thief.

phantom smells and christmas

ever get those weird phantom smells when you have a cold and can't really smell anything? i keep getting those. i mean, i can breathe through my nose but i haven't bee able to smell my food (which makes eating not quite as fun) or my perfume, so i can never tell if i smell funny. but then at random, i'll catch a smell that i shouldn't be smelling. tonight i've thought i smelled cookies, burning hairdryer and an old boyfriend's cologne. none of which are around. i hope.

well, the cookies would be alright.

so christmas is nearing, and merry will be made. gone are the days i could just sit around during the holidays and chill with some cookies and a Peanuts christmas special. noooo, this year i start celebrating three days early. friday i am spending at home, chilling with charlie and davey and opening presents, watching christmas movies and generally having a nice chill time. then saturday i will be going to charlie's mom's house with him and having some christmas chill time there. sunday i am going up to my parents' house and staying there, doing the normal christmas morning chilling, then coming back home and going to work.

i hope i have time for some snoopy in there.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

woe is me

i'm...so...sleepy. so hard to stay up right now, but if i doze off, i get fired. today has not been my day. i planned to sleep til 3, then chill and maybe get some laundry done before i had to drop davey at the sitter's and go to work.

well.

that did not happen.

first, davey didn't go to school today for being sick, which sorta blew all my plans for sleeping during the day. i started feeling worse, also. bad cough, sneezes, fever, body aches, blah blah blah, i'm no happy camper. had to walk to the store to get a few groceries, which wasn't so bad, until i had to walk back to the house with groceries in hand. then at about 6, i realized that i had no running water. CRAPPITY. i went the whole day without seeing the notice on my door notifying me that i would have my water shut off due to nonpayment. oops. it seems like i just paid that bill. ghaaaaa.

i had to take a cab to work, and like all drivers, he didn't understand simple directions and was 20 minutes late. i hate getting those calls, whether it be from pizza delivery drivers or cab drivers, "i'm in front of your house right now," NO YOU ARE NOT. if they had been out front, they would've seen me sitting out there waiting, and i'd sure as fuck notice a big yellow taxi.

idiots.

it's cold here at work, i'm shivering and coughing and feeling just plain miserable.

pity me.

Friday, December 08, 2006

new tv show


so charlie and i had this idea for a new show while we were watching My Name Is Earl tonight...

it could carry around a little tiny list and everything.

ok...yeah...well, it was insanely funny at the time.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

compensation

i posted last week about how i had to kick these drunk fucktards out of the hotel i work in. it was a mess and all around bad night. there was some bloody dude crying and a guy trying to climb over the front counter and i ended up having to call the police.

well, when i came into work tonight, i found that the company that these two guys worked for felt so bad about the whole situation that they gave me a $20 gift card to O'Charley's for my having to go through all that nonsense.

now, there is a lot of guys from this company that stay here. so what i'm wondering is, what would this company give me if i just decided to kick them ALL out?

hmmm...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

blogthing overload

it's time for Jenny Doesn't Know What To Write But She Really Wants To Blog So Here's A Blogthing!!! YAY!!! and since these are nowhere NEAR as insanely fascinating as my usual posts, i will choose quantity over quality and do a bunch. plus, i'm at work and it passes time.

You Are 84% Indie

You're so indie, it's kind of amazing that you actually found your way to this quiz.
Generally, your tastes are genuinely indie... but sometimes you like something just because it's weird!




Your 1996 Theme Song Is: Ironic by Alanis Morisette

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures




Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence
Alternative Rock: Highest Influence
80's Alternative: High Influence
Classic Rock: High Influence
80's Rock: Medium Influence




You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around.

You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy.

You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you.

How you life your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."




Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.




You Will Die at Age 49

Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle
Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.




You Belong in 1967

If you scored...

1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.

1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.

1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!




Your Depression Level: 68%

You seem to have moderate depression.
Your symptoms are bad enough that they're effecting your everyday life.
You would benefit greatly from professional help.




You Are 0% Redneck

I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.
You ain't no redneck - you're all Yankee!




You Are 64% Bipolar

You're more than moody - you're a bit unstable.
If your mood swings are effecting your life, you may need to seek help.

whoa....what?? bipolar?? must talk to doctor about that one...even though that was just a stupid blogthing.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

jenny's head has a silver lining

wow, i work HARD. i think of the 7 hours i've been here at work, i've worked a total of 2 of those. the rest of the time? i've been on my computer doing exactly what i please.

i found another gray hair last night while i was getting ready for work. it was actually more of a silver color, and would actually be quite pretty had it not come out of MY HEAD. ughs. just another sign that i'm getting older and before i know it i'll be strutting around with a head fulla silver, still probably looking like i'm 20. and then i'll die. and this will be my grave:



BOOM!

Friday, December 01, 2006

sweet dreams / reality sucks

sometimes when i wake up, i think i'd rather stay asleep and dream forever. waking up today was a rude shock.

i only remember parts of my dream, didn't recognize any of the people in it other than me and i think maybe my parents made an appearance. there was some military people in it at the end, and the whole dream must have spanned at least 10 years, because myself and the people i was around were all growing up.

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

it started out when i was young, maybe 10. i was at a christmas party at my house (although, since this is a dream, it nowhere near resembled the house i actually grew up in). i was in the living room with a bunch of other kids, and one of them was a boy i had a crush on. i don't remember his face or name, only that he seemed somewhat above me and although he knew i was there, he purposely ignored me because i was a few years younger and a girl.

the dream goes on to show me admiring him from afar, watching him with his friends. then flashes forward a few years.

now i am a teenager, maybe 14. another social gathering at my parents' house and again i am admiring him from afar, although it's not just a crush this time, i'm actually in love with him. apparently i look nothing like i really did at that age. since this is a dream, i am somewhat attractive, and although he is again with his friends, playing around and being obnoxious, he starts to notice me a bit more. i still get this feeling that he and i aren't even in the same league, although this impression doesn't come from his attitude. he's grown up and a bit softer, kinder but darker, as if he knows this cosmic secret that could destroy all of mankind, but he's too nice to tell it.

he's reading alone at some point, and i am watching him, hidden. when he leaves, he drops the book by accident and i pick it up and put it in my purse. it's a philosophical book, which makes me appreciate him more. there is something beyond words between the two of us, i can't explain it now, even while i'm awake.

again, flash forward. i am in my twenties now. there are military men in my parents' house. as if they're heroes returning from a war. he is there, one of the heroes but this time no friends around him. he appears constantly troubled, and somehow i know he's keeping a big secret. he's extremely standoffish, although he was the biggest (and youngest) hero of them all. i am in agony seeing him so sad, and i am more in love with him than before.

this is the part that gets blurry.

somehow i approach him and show him his old book i've been treasuring all those years, and this seems extremely important to him, as if he's lost everything he cares about but then finds something that he never lost but never knew he had, which he cares about more than anything. and i guess that was me. hopefully it wasn't the book.

we have a beautiful melancholy romance in secret, because we know we're both misunderstood and no one would accept it. we decide to run away together, but as we decide this, he finds out that he has this top secret assignment which would require moving away from everyone that he knows and loves and cutting off all contact. he decides to sneak me away with him, and my parents help. my mom drives me halfway to his new house, so people will see him leaving alone.

we meet up at this karaoke restaurant. i think all they served was spaghetti. he seems upset, and i find out that he can sense the future, possibly he's a bit psychic. he can't see what is going to happen, but he knows it's going to be bad. i believe him, but go with him anyways, because if something bad was going to happen to him, i wasn't going to let him go through it all alone. so after we eat, i go out to the parking lot and put my bags into his car, and davey and i (yes, i was still a mom in this dream, even though in the dream, i was never with another man) get into his car and off we go.

i can't begin to explain how happy i felt in this dream. even with this foreshadow of disaster, it was bliss. euphoric. like the best drugs ever made.

but then...

:: end of dream sequence ::


RING RING

my mom called and woke me up. before i even answered the phone, my tooth started throbbing again. i realized i forgot to turn on the alarm clock and davey would be home any secondd. when i talked to my mom, she informed me that by brother's friend had just been murdered, shot in his home. i remembered that i am broke and have no car now. and damn, my tooth really hurt.

it was like being beat in the head with a hammer. i hate reality.

at least charlie will be off work soon, then i can call and whine to him...

Thursday, November 30, 2006

better tonight

at work again. this is the only place i get a reliable connection anymore, so weird as it sounds, i look forward to coming to work. man i'm a nerd.

i'm having a much better night. those dipshits from last night got kicked out of the hotel today, not sure why the hell they weren't arrested last night since they did have drugs on them and they were beating the shit out of each other while disturbing a hotel full of business dudes and families. but whatever, i hope i never see them again.

one of them came down in the morning trying to act all casual. i felt like saying, "look man, i've already seen you all bloody and crying in your boxer shorts running around scared in the parking lot like a big fucking baby, you can't act cool around me now." but i kept my mouth shut.

my poor car gets junked tomorrow. it's fucked beyond repair and my only option now is the junkyard. *sigh* dunno when i'll be able to afford another car, and it sucks having to ask charlie for rides everywhere, i feel like i ruin all his days off by asking him to pick me up from work at like 7 in the morning. he can't even sleep in. i am a burden to all around me. damn me.

anyway, enough self-pity.

i have something new i want on my gravestone when i die: "Jenny. She invented the pig."

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

fun times at work

YAY! i'm blogging at work. could life get any better?

ok, maybe. my car is dead and i don't make enough money, and i've learned from the smell in my kitchen that i am a very inefficient dish washer.

but still, good times for now.

so hm, i had an alright thanksgiving, although i had to work, but i had the following four nights off, so i'm not bitter. i got a chance to put up my christmas tree.

oh, yes, i got a new tree. this is the first tree i've ever owned that is over four feet tall. the last few years i've had a dwarf tree. now i've got one taller than me. it's like a rite of womanhood, a full-sized christmas tree is. having to wrestle with the branches to get them shaped right. swearing when half the bulbs won't light. the scratch marks from all those wirey artificial limbs. i'm getting closer to being an adult. now i just need to graduate from the kid's table at thanksgiving and all will be groovy.

uuuuughs, some drunk guy just asked me if i was available and then fell asleep standing up at the desk. i'm just going to leave him there and see if he falls down. i hate when the dudes staying here get drunk and start asking me all these personal questions and whether i have a boyfriend. NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS. i'm just trying to do my job and all they are accomplishing is getting on my nerves. assholes. BLAHS.

i hate people sometimes. especially young drunk guys, they all seem to be fucktards.

hm, ok. 5 minutes later and the dude is still there. i wonder if he plans to stay there all night. i really hope not, i don't feel like....ghaaaaaa, he's trying to open the door to behind the desk... what the hell??? i keep telling him he's not allowed back here and he keeps trying. he needs to go up to his room and leave me the fuck alone before i call the police. and i'm about to do that. i can't stand people like this, fucking retarded.

here, this conversation is just too awkward:

drunk guy: can i get another room key, i lost mine
me: i already gave it to you, you fell asleep on it
drunk guy: oh. thanks.
me: do you need anything else?
drunk guy: just you
me: what did you just say??
drunk guy: nothing
me: good thing
**drunk guy goes to bathroom, comes out 5 seconds later**
drunk guy: can i get on myspace?
me: on MY computer???
drunk guy: yeah
me: no, not on mine, and not back here
drunk guy: oh
**lays head back down on desk**
**dude tries climbing over front desk, i threaten to call police**
**goes back upstairs**

~~time passes. police are called~~

uh, gawd, his friend broke the window in the room and ran down here all bloody. apparently drunk guy beat the crap out of him. the police are here now, this is not my night. :( the guys had weed in their room and i think one of them just tried to lie about his age...ahhhhhahahaha, now it turns out the one that's been driving has a suspended license. these guys are fucked. this is pure entertainment.

pure.

entertainment.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

she's back

ok, wow, it's almost as if i forgot i had a blog...

i got at job (YAY) about a month ago, working nights at a hotel. it's the easiest job in existance. i do my work and i still manage to have time to watch conan o'brien and a couple movies, drink coffee, smoke a kajillion cigarettes and play davey's game boy. slaaaaaaay.

i have dye in my hair right now. the color is called "spicy salsa," which in the real world means "red." i could only really afford one bottle so i'm hoping it's enough and i don't have to go to work tonight looking like a freak. or...more of a freak, i should say.

davey's obsessed with boobies, and the word "boobies." he's got a little game that he can plug into the tv and draw things with the joystick, and the first thing he wanted to draw was "BOOBIES." is it me, or is six years old a little young for that sort of obsession? i thought he had at least two more years of innocence, but i guess times, they are a-changin'. *sigh*

~~ time passes ~~

ok, i rinsed the dye out of my hair. it seems that it mostly dyed my roots. the rest of my hair is still all darkish but now my roots are bright red. ah, well.

more to come...hopefully...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

couch and other things

I GOT A COUCH!! friggin finally, i have a place to sit comfortably in the living room and watch movies. it's a second-hand one from the thrift store (only $75) but it's hella awesome. i mean, nearly everything else in my living room is second-hand, so it fits right in. BOOM.

wow, i guess i haven't posted in awhile, so hmm, so what else is going on with me..

davey turned 6 last week. we had a party for him up at my parents' house (since i didn't have a couch yet, there really wasn't room for people to chill at my house). he got a wicked telescope which i'm still trying to align and figure out how to use properly, so i can show davey how to use it. i feel like a tard. since it's a kid's telescope, i should have it figured out by now. but i havn't, so ah well.

i've been on anti-depressants for two weeks now and think i might be feeling a difference. my mom claims she sees a big improvement, so i guess that says something. i was told it could take up to four weeks to feel all the effects, so i guess i'll let myself get used to it. i haven't had any crying spells, and i've been wanting to get out and do things again, so i guess it's good times for me. now all i need is a job.

i've started these sort of job classes that i'm required to take because i am getting money from the state. i used to think that getting money like that was stupid, that i was too good to recieve handouts. but the handouts are there and available for the people that need them and dammit, i need them right now. i'm looking a lot harder for a job now, one that i WANT and one that i won't feel like i'm lowering myself for. never will i work for a fast food joint or any of that shiznit. i can find a better job than that and i will.

so anyways, these job classes, i thought i would hate them and they'd be completely useless. but no, i actually sort of like going because i get a lot further in my job search this way and receive a lot of help finding leads. not to mention the resources they have there. it's a huge problem that i can't get my printer to work with this old laptop i have, but i can print resumes and cover letters there at class. they even have the neato fancy resume paper. good times. it's insane that i've gone this long without work, but i think i'll find one in the next few weeks, at the rate i'm going.

i had a crazy stupid nightmare last night...

:: jenny's nightmare sequence ::

in my dream, charlie died. i was told he killed himself. his ghost was haunting downtown harrisonburg. i was in my car and saw him driving around, but he was all see-through, and his car was a ghost, too. i saw his bumper stickers (the save-the-earth type one and the one that says The Little Grill) and started crying, but then he disappeared. so i started frantically searching for his ghost everywhere. i finally found his ghost at the library, in the video section. he didn't say a word, he just stood there looking at me. then some dude behind me asked me for directions to somewhere and when i turned back around, charlie's ghost was gone. so i told this guy that i would show him where this place was (i think it was some sort of bar), got in my car and let him follow me. but i got lost because downtown harrisonburg was suddenly huge, like 4 times as big.

:: end of nightmare sequence ::


i'm still weirded out by that one, and probably will be until charlie calls. i woke up all upset and disoriented.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

morbid

i've been thinking about death lately, ever since i got the booklet from my health plan. there's a section about living wills and such and whether or not you have or plan to make one. and i thought about this. everyone thinks they have all this time to do things like that, but no one really knows how much time they have. i realize i'm young and (hopefully) will not have to worry about this for a long time, but in the off chance that something happens to me, i want to spell things out now and have things my way. because that's how i like things. my way.

just thinking beyond the living will (i still haven't decided to do this yet, as it would require talking to my family about it and that just seems weird right now), i'm already planning out where i want to be buried, which is just morbid. somewhere in the shenandoah valley, preferably harrisonburg because that's where i live and that's where some of my family is buried. a cemetery that has the big kind of headstones (not the flat kind that you can just mow over, which is the case in the cemetery my family uses). and under a willow tree. i like willow trees. i remember when i visited my nanny and pawpaw when i was little, i would get so excited when i saw the willow tree, because that means we were there. if there's no willow tree in the cemetery in the first place, i want one planted.



but in the case of the living will itself, that will take much more thought. it's one thing to plan out things that happen to my body after death, but another thing entirely to decide what should happen to me while i'm still alive and unable to have a say-so. i think if i were brain dead and hooked up to machines, i would want to be unplugged. it gives people false hope and it's expensive to leave someone hooked up like that when it's hopeless. and rather than waste the money on keeping my body alive, it would be nice to have a kickass grave stone and a little iron fence around it (and the tree) instead. plus, there's still the possibility of an afterlife. if the only thing keeping me from moving on was a stupid machine, i think i might be more than a little pissed.

things to think about i guess. i can always make one now and change it later, if i ever change my mind. it's just a weird subject to bring up around family, though. but there's no getting around talking to them about it if i decide to do this.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

my fourth

drove up to stephens city to watch the fireworks and such with davey and charlie, since i heard the fireworks here in harrisonburg suck. it was hella cool. like last year, they had some big musical act that hasn't been popular in 20 years of more. but it was worth driving the hour there, i suppose. plus i showed charlie the wicked cemetary in winchester and we walked around downtown. although EVERYTHING was closed, it was like a ghost town. so eerie, so weird.

speaking of ghosts, i'm all bummed because i couldn't find the haunted store in downtown winchester. i've been in there once, before i saw it on the haunted listings, and haven't been in there since. but now it seems that it's gone. i mean, if it really was haunted, i'm sure the ghost didn't go anywhere, i just don't know what it's called now. shucks. phooey. NUTS.

i think i'm gonna curl up with some pizza and watch something utterly girly. like Dirty Dancng. it's not often that i watch stuff like that, and as i say that i'm changing my mind. maybe i'll watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or something that'll hold my attention a little better. i dunno, but i'm certain i want some pizza. with sausage and onions and peppers. YUM, I EAT IT!

that's the title of the children's cookbook i had when i was young...that i still use. "YUM I EAT IT" i always thought it sounded funny.

Monday, June 26, 2006

burkittsville

a humid, stormy monday afternoon. we started our trip (my brother aaron, davey and i) at my parents' house an hour away. our destination: Burkittsville, Maryland. the town from the movie The Blair Witch Project. yet, only a half hour into the journey, a potential disaster threatened to put an end to our trip. a wheel on aaron's minivan, which i have nicknamed Mr. Plumple (the van, not my brother), started to wobble.

we feared a flat tire or worse, but after a quick trip to aaron's work (he works on tires for a living), it was clear it was only a simple case of loose lug nuts. so after fixing Mr. Plumple's loose nuts, and a few 7-11 hot dogs later, we again pointed ourselves in the direction of Burkittsville.



we arrived around 7pm. in the sinister fog of Burkittsville, we snapped a few pictures with my mom's digital camera. a wicked cemetery. an awesome old wall by the state park, with a statue of some sort in it.



we snapped too many pictures to post them all, like a few of a rainy entrance to the Appalatian Trail (where we saw a few hikers looking oh-so granola with their facial hair and rain gear) and the brick road downtown. after a visit to the Blair Sani-Pot to take a pee, aaron steered us out of town. but not before capturing the now-infamous photos of us by the Burkittsville village sign. BOOM!



and as proof that, yes, Davey the Boy Wonder was with us, here's a pic of my little sidekick slaying the day in the back seat of the Blair Dodge Caravan.

Friday, June 23, 2006

lappy crappity

as soon as my good laptop...broke, i started getting Dell catalogs. it's as if the technology gods are trying to tell me something. the first two laptops i've had were gifts from my parents. the next one i get, i want to pick out myself. i figure since i use my computers so much now, i should be picky about what i get.

so i think the next laptop i get will be a Dell. i'm taking the catalogs as a sign. and really, they look nice. and for a nice price, although i won't be able to afford anything until i get working again (of course). what i've been salivating over today has been the Dell Inspiron E1505. compared to what i've owned, it's just so much better. not the best, but i don't need the best for what i use my computers for. plus i need something affordable.

i've never owned a Dell. i've never used a Dell. but from what i hear, they're pretty good computers and for the prices, i think they should be worth it. good gawd, compared to my old Compaq Presario (what i'm using now, 2GB hard drive and still with Windows Frickin 95 on it), anything would be better.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

the jumble that is the jenny

i've been reading and chatting all day. annoyed at my laptop for being old, annoyed at myself for not having a job yet and the money to replace it. i called social services and asked what i needed to do to get child care assistance. first, it seems, i need to apply for something else called TANF that no one even bothered to explain (and, by the sound of the woman's tone, they should have talked to me about it when i applied for my other assistance whatnot). so this is what i think their deal is. they are deliberatly putting me through all these applications and waiting so it takes me longer to get assistance, therefore, they give me less assistance. the fuckers.

i think i won't buy any more soda. i've hooked myself on cherry coke and my weight is...well, it's the reason i need to stop drinking so much of it. less soda, more coffee. or water. soda is too expensive anyhow. i need to lose all this weight. i've grown comfortable with all the extra jenny over the years, but now i think it's high time i get rid of it and become the normal me again. i know i'm under all this fat...somewhere.

i need to pick up a little notebook. this has been my diary...sort of, for awhile now but there's so much i can't write here and i'm sick of keeping up private blogs. it's such a pain, getting online now, anyway. AOL keeps booting me offline, it takes forever to do anything, so back to pen and paper for awhile, aside from the occasional post here now and then. but yeah *writing it down* buy one small journal-type notebook from walmart. and not one with kittens on it or other such nonsense. just a plain black notebook. yeah.

i feel things changing. i WILL see the doctor and get a job and a laptop and a couch soon. how simple that sounds, it's not as if i want the moon. i'm a simple girl, i just want a damn couch and laptop. a cozy place to sit in my own living room and do my online whatnot without my computer being an ASSHOLE. GHAAA. why have these simple things seemed so difficult for me? am i really so stupid and lazy and inept? i managed fine before, on my own.

oh my fuck, you stupid computer, can't you just stop being an asshole long enough for me to finish one post...i wish y'all could see this, i barely even touch the screen and i get these ugly purple and turquoise stripes on the top half of the screen. only ugly because they are covering up what i'm trying to write. DAMNNESS!! *smack* aaaaaaand it's back to normal.

yeah, i have the feeling the screen is about to go.

i can't charge my zen micro now that my other laptop is dead, and this old one i'm on now, it's so ancient it still has Windows 95 on it. so forget installing anything on it, including my zen software. so i've whipped out all the old CD's that i've burned over the years.

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream, you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem, this mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what i told you, don't come around, i got my own hell to raise..."

hah, fiona apple. i haven't listened to her in forever. it's kinda nice. i feel so femenist and rebellious. rawr!

ooooh, and Interpol. i haven't listened to them in about a year. 'Obstacle 1' is a very awesome song, it never fails to put me in a mood. what kind of mood, though. i won't describe it, because fuck, i don't know, haha.

and this song...'Laid' by James. very good. i can listen to it over and over and over (etc) and not get sick of it. "dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me prettyyyyyyy...."

this post has become very stream-of-thought.

and long.

*sigh* ok, i'll spare y'all from more distractedness. and made up words like 'distractedness.' did i even make that up, or is that a real word?

whatever.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

my dream...

so, yeah, i realize i just said that i probably wouldn't be posting much lately, but i had a very...long...detailed dream last night and i remember most of it. still, after being awake for hours, i still remember the tiny details, so i might as well write it down...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was at a high school photo shoot for their graduation. i was with my friend (who was only my friend in the dream, i never knew anyone like that in real life) and we were helping out. guys that i remember from high school were hanging out and hitting on the high school girls and getting their pictures taken with them.

after the photo shoot thing, i fell asleep at this house and had a dream about a cowboy trying to sleep in the woods and hide himself so he wouldn't get scalped by an indian (ahem...native american). one found him, but instead of being scared, the cowboy handed the indian a magic sledgehammer and he turned into the tin man from the wizard of oz. then the two of them played hide and seek.

i woke up...and then i don't remember much til i'm on this bus with my aforementioned friend and jared leto (although it wasn't actually jared leto in the dream, it just looked like him). it was like airplane seating, with three across and i was sitting in between the two of them. we all had headphones on and were listening to music. the bus driver stopped the bus and told everyone that she wasn't going anywhere until someone stopped tossing cans of green beans around. i caught some of the cans and stuffed them in my knapsack. jared leto was holding a kitten, and he was moving in all close to me so he could hear what music i was listening to. then i was like, "OH WOW, i just had the weirdest dream last night," and proceeded to tell them the dream about the cowboy and indian.

then we were all at my friends house, i guess she lived with her mom. she was telling leto and i all about her dad, he was a drug dealer and into gangs and all that. her mom pulled up to the house and told her that her dad had just been murdered. she seemed to be relieved and wanted to move away. so the three of us decided to move into the house that i had fallen asleep in earlier.

this was a house that i had dreamed of before, it was three stories, had a giant playroom and the upstairs bedroom was haunted. for some reason i thought it was my grandma's old house even though now that i'm awake i know it's not. i was terrified of the upstairs bedroom, it was evil. i had flashbacks of opening the door and things were flying aroud the room and the lights were really dim. the only light, actually, came from the bathroom at the far end of it.

and that's about all i remember as of yet.

:: end of dream sequence ::

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

disaster strikes

so my regular laptop (IBM Thinkpad) is dead. officially DEAD and now i'm stuck with just my old one to use until i can afford to buy a new one, and that might be awhile. i started it up the other day and all it did was make this grinding noise and gave me an error message over and over. i could do NOTHING.

my old laptop (Compaq Presario, which i am using now) has SO many problems, and i'm surprised it's stayed on long enough for me to write this and go online to post it. it shuts off at random and freezes like a sunnabitch. i've had it since i graduated high school, so it's pretty old. but at least it's something i can check my email with.

so sad. i live on the computer, so this is uber inconvenient for me, but at least i have this crappy backup for the time being. it's doubtful i'll be online much, other than to check my mail (and even that takes forever, because i'm using dialup w/ AOL and half the time AOL stops responding) so i doubt i'll be updating my blogs much, until i get a nifty new lappy.
blahs.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

uptight and antisocial, ughs

i've been in the weirdest moods. up and down, back and forth and sometimes sideways. i think sometimes that i should start drinking again, at least once in awhile. i so miss that happy buzz. and i'd stop being so uptight. i can't stand uptight people. y'all get the corndogs out off your ass and be zen. and when my son accidentally bumps into you while doing spiderman moves in Food Lion, please do not look at me as if i were trash. none of that 'control your child' look, unless you want that 'you need to get laid, old bitch' look.

you got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away, we gotta make a decision, we leave tonight or live and die this way...

i like that song. tracy chapman, i think it's by.

part of my horoscope today says, "Be extra nice to yourself today, even if you feel isolated from others." and i do feel pretty isolated today. i hate being alone. how silly is that. i consider myself antisocial, maybe i'm not so much. man oh man i need to find a job and soon before i go bonkers. i'd rather be surrounded by people and wish i were alone than be all alone and lonely.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

like a movie

i feel like i'm someone else watching a movie of some chick with my face, but who is acting like a character in a movie, set in what looks like my life. almost dream-like. i feel a bit removed from things. i want to be more immediate but i live so much in my head, sometimes it's difficult. i've been losing time. i notice there are whole weeks that are like "WTF, where did that time go." it's not that i black out or anything, or forget. i remember everything but...i dunno, i feel like i'm going bonkers sometimes. time is passing way too fast for comfort, maybe that's something that starts happening to everyone as they grow older. it just feels so sudden.

i've decided to have different soundtracks for my different moods. here's the soundtrack for this mood i'm in now:

A Lack of Color by Death Cab For Cutie
City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie
One by U2
Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice
Foolish Games by Jewel
Aint No Sunshine by Bill Withers
April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel

mm hmm. like anyone was interested enough to read that. of course, i don't really care, but i do try to stay somewhat entertaining. doubt it's working, but fuggit.

i think the sexiest word for the butt is "fart box."

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

nothing to say (?)

i need to write more than i have been. i have things to say and they don't want to come out. i feel so dull sometimes, because i'm never comfortable enough to spew out the things i'm really thinking and feeling. if i write something here, i'm not erasing it. so i'm kinda picky about what i post.

i could write about the irritation i'm having right now at the little girl from across the street. davey plays with her and her brother and sister all the time, and generally they're good kids. polite. davey gets angry at them a lot, but he's still learning to share and such, plus he's an only child so he's not as used to it. but today i swear, that little girl has rang my doorbell a dozen times asking if she can bring this toy or that toy out, poking her head into the house and looking for a toy of davey's she wants to play with. next time the doorbell rings, i'll tell her to ask davey if he wants her to play with his toys, because i am not to be bothered with such nonsense. i like kids, but other people's kids annoy me sometimes.

i could write about dragging my feet when it comes to seeing a doctor. i thought that once i got medicaid, i'd be calling the doctor immediately and setting up an appointment, getting this depression nonsense straightened out. i keep telling myself that maybe it's going away. but i know it's not, because once i'm by myself it's the same ol' deal. i can fake that i'm ok around other people but once it's just me i'm a mess again. i know i need to see a doctor, i know i need medication. i'm done trying to talk myself out of it just because other people tell me that i'm fine and i just need to get out more, it's all in my head, yada yada yada. funk dat. i need to stop listening to them and go with my instincts. i know me. i know when things are seriously amiss and right now they are.

ok, that was kinda personal, but there ya go. my fucking blog, writing what i want.

dammit, that little girl better not have just walked into my house without ringing the doorbell.....FUCK, there's the doorbell, i swear that girl is gonna wear it out...

*answering door*

"can i bring out just one more toy pleeeeeease???" as she stares around my living room at davey's toys. damn other people's kids. if i ever caught davey doing that to someone else's parents, he'd be grounded. that's just fucking annoying. i can deal with davey's whining, but any other kid tries that with me and they have a death wish. i can't handle that. they did not come out of my womb, they do not deserve my patience.

i just wish it would start raining or something so all the kids would have to go play in their own houses.

i'm wigging out over this bird flu thing. i heard once on the news, don't mess with dead or injured birds. and now davey's out playing and telling me about this dead bird, or that sick bird he found, and i run out there like a maniac shouting to the neighbor kids, DON'T MESS WITH THE BIRDS, THEY HAVE GERMS, THEY CAN GET YOU SICK! they probably think i'm insane. i did help one of the birds, against my better judgement. it was just a baby and sitting there all pathetic. i hate that i care. so i picked it up with a giant wad of paper towels, stuck it in a shoebox and let it watch the final episode of Will & Grace with me. i let it go in the grass after that and it was gone an hour later. i don't know if an animal got to it or no, but i told davey that it got better and left to find it's family.

that's enough writing for now. apparently i did have something to say.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

farting preacher

my brother sent me the link for this. sure, fart jokes are rather juvenile, but when have i ever worried about being immature. charlie and i watched this video and others similar to it (there are five different farting preacher videos), laughing to tears for at least an hour...

Monday, May 15, 2006

sick of the clutter

ok, i've been sick of all the clutter on this blog for months now and have finally decided to do something about it. i've taken away a lot from the sidebars, things i didn't have any real reason to have there in the first place other than to take up space. pictures, links, blogrolls, blinkies, games, even my shoutbox is gone. it took too long to load and annoyed the crap out of me.

and i've added something. a feed from my poetry blog, which is off to the right. i figured i may as well have something useful there, and seeing as how i post on that blog half the time, it seemed important.

i think i still like the way my blog looks at the moment, but if i ever get sick of this layout and want to make a complete do-over, i may also consider moving my blog to wordpress, which is where i have already moved my poetry. but this wouldn't happen for awhile, if that even happens at all.

so enjoy the slightly tidied up version of the Noodle. now i'm going to bed.

weekend whatnot

i've been offline a lot lately. lots to do, socializing being done, groceries being bought, bills being paid, an unnatural amount of time curled up in bed... anywho, so what did i do this weekend...

i went to a mother-daughter banquet on saturday. this is the second year i've went to this thing with my mom and other family. last year was a nightmare. i had nothing nice to wear then, so i just wore jeans and a shirt and stuck out like a big fat sore thumb. the women in my family make me feel like the jolly green giant. i'm at least a good five inches taller than all of them, so when pictures are taken of us, i'm towering over them like an amazon woman.

also last year, the food sucked, the coffee sucked, and the guest speaker was a freak dressed as the virgin mary. it was in a small room crowded with little old church ladies and their families. the floral pattern on the walls only made the room seem smaller than it was, and there i was all claustrophobic and wigging out. i was bad times.

this year, however, was completely different. it was held at the same place, only in a different, much bigger room. the food was awesome and this time i had a skirt, so everyone wasn't staring at the underdressed mammoth. the guest speaker sat with us while we ate and she was awesome.

anyways, sunday i went up to my parents' house and dragged charlie along with me. good times playing trivial pursuit with my momma and watching tv with my dad. my brother never showed, but he sent me this disturbing yet funny video of dogs doing the nasty chacha.

okey dokey, i think that's about it. gawd, i feel so much better, having time to finally sit and write a post and check email and such. i hate being away from my laptop for too long, i can't handle it, man!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

gray day

i want to sleep. i want to cry. i want to scream and throw things and whine and growl and let everyone stare, fuck em.

but i'll just sit here and wait for life to go by. i'm so...numb. i don't want to do anything, i don't want to eat...i really just would like to disappear until...i don't know. until life decides it likes me again. i just can't do anything right. every time i roll the dice it's a zero. life, you fucker, you gave me a blank dice.

what's funny is that i'll probably be wicked happy and bouncing off the walls here in a few hours. i dunno what's up with me, but i'm quite sure i need mind altering drugs.

Friday, May 05, 2006

andrea's dead

oh HELL no, that did not just happen.

andrea is a huge part of ghost whisperer, and she died. i did NOT see that one coming, i thought her brother had died in the plane crash. it never dawned on me that she had died. i mean, when she left the store before the plane crashed, the thought occured to me that she COULD die, but when i saw her show up later, i thought she was alive.

i love this show. almost every episode makes me cry like a retard, but this episode, the finale, made me bawl like a baby. whaaaaaaa....ok, i'm a nerd.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

wacky movies of the subconscious

i remember my dream from last night in GREAT DETAIL, so i figured i'd share it...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was outside a deserted roller rink. it was on the edge of the campus of my old high school. my old friend, michelle, was sitting on a bench with me, and both of us were dressed very goth. some guy came over to talk to us about being goth, he said he was from the newspaper. we agreed to talk to him, but he said he had things to do at the moment, but could we meet him there at that bench at midnight. we agreed.

i think we sat there the whole day, until this other dude showed up (i recognized him in the dream, but now i don't remember who it was) and apparently this was michelle's boyfriend. he had a couple other people with him, with which it seemed we were all friends, and we went into the roller rink. instead of a wood floor, there was ice down, so we all put on ice skates and little ice-skater outfits and went at it (i have never ice skated in my life, yet i was twirling around on the ice like a pro).

after awhile the random friends left and it was just michelle skating with her boyfriend, and me, the third wheel. i was getting all bummed and then this guy that i used to work with walked in and popped on some ice skates and started skating with me. it was like some kind of weird competition between michelle and i, like a skate-off, haha. it was just more awkward with me because i was taller than my skating partner.

then i guess the rink was closing and they forced us out really fast (there was just the four of us there, plus the guy working there) and i never got a chance to get dressed, i was still in my ice skating outfit, but everyone else was dressed and walking back out to the bench outside. my normal clothes were still inside the building as they were locking it up, so i was stuck looking like a fruitcake.

i tried calling the newspaper dude on my cell and didn't get an answer, and by then it seemed to be really late, like 3am of something. everyone else started to go home, and i started freaking out and crying for some reason. i hopped in a convertable and started driving like a drunk. somehow i turned into Elton John...i mean, i was still ME, i just looked like him...and i was still wearing the ice skating outfit. i wrecked the car down this steep hill beside the road somewhere. people heard it and came running saying, "look, it's elton john," i was so relieved that no one would know it was really me.

:: end of dream sequence ::


what's weird is that i woke up very bummed and upset. the whole dream just had this depressing tone to it. i just tried to dye my hair dark brown again, and once again it came out black, so that may account for the whole "goth" thing. i dunno. oddness.

Friday, April 28, 2006

weird rollercoaster jenny

yesterday i was about as down as i get. well, close to it. it's weird looking at thursday's post knowing i felt that bad less than 24 hours ago. i feel amazing today. it's one of those fluke good days where i don't much worry about anything and everything feels right. i wish these kinds of days weren't just flukes, but ah well, i'm grateful for what good days i have and everything else...well, fuggit.

davey came home with his report card today. my boy's a friggin genius, i knew that already, but it's nice to have that idea reinforced by his teacher. this was his best report card yet and he knew it. the minute he stepped off the school bus, he started digging around in his backpack to show it to me. stopped right there in the middle of the street to do that, hah, i had to drag him over to the sidewalk so the school bus could drive away.

he's out playing in the front yard now. i'm so happy i actually have a place with a yard now, instead of being in an apartment surrounded by creeps. i was afraid to be outside myself there, in my old apartment, with all the drug busts and shootings, it was rough. but now i'm in my awesome little townhouse with a happy little mini-yard (that i don't have to mow) and a big tree out front (that some dude comes and cuts back every once in awhile). i feel like a spoiled brat. ahhhhhh.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

cake

feeling rather yucks. very cranky and nervy. my stomach hurts and everything i've got to do seems like too much for me to handle. i want to crawl in a hole. and i want some chocolate cake. bad.

as soon as i think i'm feeling better, some gray creeps back in and i'm back to where i started. this sucks. i don't even want to think, i just want to shut my brain off and crawl into bed and sleep for a week. but then the more i sit around and mope, the more things pile up around me. i feel like i'm being buried in to-do's that i never have the energy or willpower to get done.

and dammit, i want some cake.

davey's losing his patience with me and vice versa. i say things and hurt his feelings and i don't even realize it, he's such a sensitive kid. and then when i try to apologize, he doesn't want to listen. sometimes he just wants to be mad at me and i don't blame him. if i were him, if i had me for a mom, i'd be pretty mad, too.

*sulking*

i want some cake...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

my new label

after a recent discussion with the diggity-dan-man about spirituality, i have decided to look around for a better label for my beliefs (because people seem to like labels). the confusion came in when i stated that i believed in an "afterlife" and the idea that there was more to humans than just the physical. i mean, how could i believe in ghosts if i didn't believe that?

so he asked, "So, how does that fit in with being agnostic?"

and i thought about that. it seemed clear enough to me, but i figured my label of being "agnostic" might be a little confusing. i tried to explain what i believed, but all in all i think i just ended up confusing myself. so i looked to trusty wikipedia for some insight on how to better explain myself next time that question came up, and i believe i found it.
Agnostic spiritualism: the view that there may or may not be a god (or gods), while maintaining a general personal belief in a spiritual aspect of reality, particularly without distinct religious basis, or adherence to any established doctrine or dogma.

so i am an "agnostic spiritualist" now. i mean, i always was, i just didn't have a proper label for it til now. although IMO, it's not as good as the term i came up with yesterday, "optimistic confusion," but it will have to do.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

sleepless me & radio.blog updates

i hate this. i thought i was tired, so i real quick-like jotted down whatever poetry was bouncing around in my head, then got ready to go to bed. and man, now i'm wide awake. this happens to me quite often, it's maddening.

so anyways, i figured i had neglected my radio.blog long enough and decided to add a few songs i've been listening to a lot lately. i've just started listening to Death Cab For Cutie and have decided that this is my new happy-music. you know, the kind of stuff that makes you want to hop around and shoot rainbows out of your fingers. i can't get their song 'Soul Meets Body' out of my head..."so brown eyes I hold you near, cause you're the only song I want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere" so go have a listen, it's good stuff.

my grandma's day & other things

went to my nanny's (grandma's) birthday celebration at her church today. i was told, "it won't be a service," but it was, so i was tricked into going to church (i'm agnostic and get a bit annoyed when preached at). ah, well, half of it was people talking about my nanny, so i can overlook having to stand there among the hymn singers and trying not to yawn too loudly.

my nanny is 80 and she's been the organist at her church for 71 years. since she was 9. that's an insane amount of time, also that she's been at the same job at a music store for something like 44 years, and is still working there. it blows my mind, seeing as how nowadays that kind of thing is almost unheard of, with people switching careers at least 2 or 3 times in their lifetime (i think i read that statistic somewhere, i could be way off, but if i'm wrong, feel free not to correct me). and it's such a cool job, working at a music store, surrounded by pianos and guitars and sheet music and such.

ok, onto other things...

i've been feeling rather good lately. like time is reversing itself and i'm regaining my nerve. after i had lived in WA for awhile, i had almost completely climbed out of my shell and overcome most of my shyness and childhood anxieties. but then after moving back here (virginia) two years ago, i started retreating back into myself again. like i had been turned back in to the quiet, friendless 11-year-old version of myself. only this time i have a kid and am expected to act like a responsible adult.

but, anyway, i think things may be a-changin. although, i still think i need to talk to a doctor about it, because depression does run in my family. i need me some drugs. anything that will get rid of that urge to stay in bed all day and cry would be a good thing.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Meh

finding other people's poetry

i found a poem in one of my old books, a love poem, that i did not write. nor do i know who wrote it. i only know that it was written on a page from one of my old notebooks, and the book was bought while i was living in my apartment in WA, so i assume that was where it was written. who was it for? i don't know that either. i don't recognize the handwriting. i had people living with me or over all the time then, occasionally leaving their mental droppings in my poetry notebooks or random scrap papers, so it's really hard to tell. but geez it's intriguing. whoever wrote it was either drunk or completely smitten with someone or both. i have more than a few drunken infatuation poems that i myself have written over the years. but i know 200% that i did not write this one, because...well, i just don't write like that.

i just rediscovered the near-empty journal that dani gave to me before i left WA, with her "love poem for gwyn" on the first few pages. gwyn was one of my nicknames, the poem is for me, and it makes me a little teary because it's so sweet. i feel like i should start carrying this notebook around, now is the time to start filling it up with poems. i feel like i need to live up to her words for me. which feels impossible now, but i think i'll at least try. the journal's got little random quotes on each page, like, "let's ignore our mothers' well-meant advice," and, "she refused to let common sense cloud her judgement." i like that.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

the cam, it's gone

after noticing that someone's been refreshing my blog over and over and over (etc) i think it might be worth noting that i took the cam off my blog for awhile. i got sorta sick of being stared at, plus my laptop is getting pretting moody and decides to slow way down when i have my cam program open. so you'll just have to gaze longingly at my picture in the sidebar (hah, i'm such a tard) and cry yourself to sleep. BOOM!

now i'm gonna go make dinner. green eggs and ham, mmm.

a glance at the stats

oh wow. i've just been looking at my stats, and it's funny to see what people are searching for when they stumble upon my blog. here's a few of them, along with my thoughts...

song in silence of the lambs when buffalo bill is getting dressed - what an awesome scene. the song is called 'Goodbye Horses' by Q. Lazzarus.

working at office max - it sucks. but see, i only worked there for like a week before i wigged out and had to quit. that's my problem. but also, working at office supply stores suck. working retail sucks. i hate pretending to be a people person.

blog school nurse needle butt - that sounds like a dream i had once...or...will now have tonight...

fat ass joey - every time i see the name Joey, i think of a baby kangaroo. honestly, i don't think i've ever personally known anyone with the name Joey. so why do i have that in my blog title? that's a long drawn out story about a couple of inside jokes that won't be funny to you because you weren't there, in the moment. unless you are Dani, in which case you were there.

britney spears tied up and gagged - i wonder, is this a fifty year old married man searching for this? personally, i'd like to see that too, but not in a sexual way.

smurfette screensaver - WTF, i don't think i've ever used the word smurfette in any of my posts. how the...

Monday, April 17, 2006

easter

my holiday was great. i was surprised, i thought...rainy weekend, family, davey full of sugar...maybe not so good. but it turned out to be excellent. awesome visit, awesome food, and cadbury eggs. it also thunderstormed last night, which looked wicked cool up at my parents' house in the woods.

i heard that my cousin's ex boryfriend has turned criminal. he ate at some buffet in charlottesville and then afterward, stuck his finger in his pocket and robbed them. and if that wasn't lame enough, he held up...get this...a hallmark store.

who the FUCK holds up a hallmark store?? i mean, it's not good to rob ANY place, don't get me wrong, but how moronic is that. and now i'm wondering, was he planning this for awhile, or was he in there buying a card or a teddy bear or something and thought, "I'M GONNA ROB 'EM"

i don't pretend to understand.

my downstairs closet is a swamp. i called to have someone come out and fix the water heater, waited all day for him to show up, look at it, and say, "yup, it's leaking." *sigh* ok, so tomorrow i guess i'm trapped here waiting for someone ELSE to come out and replace it, then i have to wait for yet ANOTHER person to come out and suck the water out of the carpet. the carpet sucker. that sounds like lesbian porn.

Friday, April 14, 2006

2am and easily distracted

dammit. once again, it is 2am, and i am awake. i have to wake up at 6:30 to get davey off to school. BLAHS. why am i up tonight? well, i was thinking, "hey, maybe i'll get to bed early tonight," since i can't pass back out in bed after davey leaves for school in the morning because freaking social services LOST MY FUCKING PAPERWORK because they don't know how to do their damn jobs.

...there's some jack black ripoff on carson daly...gawd this show sucks monkey nuts...

anyways, what was i saying...aw, yeah. i was going downstairs to shut off the TV and lights and whatnot, and i noticed the carpet was wet. the damn water heater or whatever is leaking. worse than that, it's in a closet where i stored a lot of boxes, so when i went to move them, the bottoms fell out of them because they were soaking wet and now IT'S A FUCKING MESS.

*deep breath*

here's a little poem about the past few nights...

leno, conan
awesome, awesomer
stupid carson
you're not funny
so quit trying.
reruns of
leno, conan
sleepy, sleepier
blissful dreaming
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
aw, fuuuuuck.

i feel a weird mixture of angry and weird and inspired and indifferent. i had a teacher in high school call me that, on my report card. "she appears indifferent." i remember he always seemed to have an erection, or whatever, his pants made that little...tent. he would sit on his desk and lecture, and everyone noticed it and giggled. so really, i wasn't indifferent, i was just distracted.

hey, now a leno rerun is on. that's hella better than carson daly, but i don't want to be awake--WTF just hit the wall??? it's the haunting, ooooh....oh, nevermind, it's davey, i must go check on him...

*checking on davey*

freaking weird, i KNOW i heard him crying, but when i checked on him he was fast asleep. so maybe it was like on blair witch where they thought they heard josh screaming but it wasn't him, it was the blair witch. maybe the centipedes are imitating davey's voice in an attempt to draw me out of my bedroom so they can crawl all over me with their nasty kajillion legs. ghaaa, like the blair centipede.

or maybe i need to go to bed before i write anything stupider...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

round two (in my pants)

ok, i did this last year, and i felt like doing it again. yes, it's silly and immature. but it's also fucking funny. the name of the game: IN MY PANTS. don't get excited, now, all's ya do is take any song title and then add the words "in my pants" at the end. such as, the song 'I Am the Walrus' would become 'I Am the Walrus In My Pants.' and the song 'Mama Told Me Not To Come'...well, figure it out ;).

i won't insult my readers' intelligence by adding the endings myself, i'll leave that to you. so here goes...

Wish You Were Here
Classical Gas
You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
Don't Pull Your Love
Papa Don't Preach
White Rabbit
Aint No Sunshine
Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Master of Puppets
When the Children Cry
Man In the Box
Milk It
Hidden Place
Glory Box
Peek A Boo
Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'
Squeeze Box
The Kids Are Alright
Running With the Devil

feel free to add your own in my comments. you know you want to.

Friday, April 07, 2006

the haunting of jenny

i've never seen one. but i keep an open mind about ghosts, because hey, it's fun to believe. and no one wants to just stop existing when they die, and i don't really believe that happens. i want the opportunity to haunt the everloving shiznit out of someone when i die.

so ok, to my point. i was on the phone yesterday talking to my mom, standing in the middle of the dining room, half listening and half just spacing off and staring at my car out the kitchen door window. my skateboarding kermit the frog antenna topper slays that much, i'm tellin ya.

i felt a POKE on my back near my neck, and spun around like WTF, and nothing was there. not davey, and really, i don't know if he's even tall enough to reach. no wall to bump into. nothing. there was pressure behind this, not like a blood vessel thingy, this really felt like a finger jabbing me in the back.

so i let me mom listen to me wig out for a few minutes, let her go so i could do the dishes and hung up the phone. before going into the kitchen, i heard someone knocking on my door. davey said he heard the doorbell, but i heard knocking. he might've just been confused, i don't know. i was in a strange state and was having trouble comprehending that there was no one at my door. or either of the neighbors' doors, for that matter, which i sometimes mistake for mine. but nada, no one.

so, yeah, let that go, although i was rather befuddled and had a bit of the heebeejeebees, and i went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and start dinner. i have this little violin magnet on the fridge, that when you touch the bow to the strings over and over, it plays out a song. without being touched, it let out one long note and stopped when i turned around. i stared at it a second and it started playing Ode to Joy really fast. so i threw in onto the kitchen table and it stopped until a few minutes later, when davey wandered over to stare at it, which is when it belted out a lighting fast rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

then, while i was trying to remain calm and finish the dishes, i hear this loud POP right next to me. it sounded as if someone had one of those snack size bags of chips and squeezed it til it popped. but like hell if i could find what it was. and not only did i hear it once, i heard it twice. both right beside of me. i left the dishes for later, man, that was just NUTS.

so...fuck, not only do i have centipedes, i have a poltergeist.

i wonder if they make a Raid for that...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

random thoughts

first ten thoughts to pop into my head:

  1. joan rivers' face is scary and inanimate.
  2. brown sugar, sweet onion, mccormick chicken seasoning...remember this until you write it down...oh look, i just wrote it down.
  3. if more women knew the secret of excruciatingly tight pigtails, there would be less women getting facelifts.
  4. my scalp hurts.
  5. i think i had a dream about beaded curtains.
  6. toss me a cigarette, i think there's on in my raincoat, we smoked the last one an hour agooooo....
  7. i'm turning into my mom. i watch soap operas, spend all my time on the computer, drink too much coffee and smoke like a chimney. all i need to do now is shrink five inches and get a perm.
  8. i want a copy cat, like the one on the Staples commercial. >^oo^< meow.
  9. why can't the radio station here play any old Nine Inch Nails songs. it's just the new Hand That Feeds song, what is up with that. not that it's not a good song, but it's played too much. throw in some old stuff. also, stop playing the redneck morning radio show, it makes me want to vomit acid through my nose.
  10. i like cupcakes.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

happy day, and i hate generic shampoo

today, i am happy.

yeah, even though i woke up too late to make a crock pot dinner (how fucking lazy am i) and broke a light bulb on the kitchen floor (which is more than annoying, but i love to hear that popping glass sound ever since working at GE), it is a good day.

because, centipedes, i bought some mofo Raid, so yo' ass is grass.

another thing. i recommend no one who wants to save money buy anything of the generic Food Lion brand. their stuff is not only worse, you have to use more than you would with the name brand. so there is no good deal there.

  • example #1: i bought their generic brand shampoo and conditioner, which said "compare to the ingredients of Pantene." well, i'm sure they used less of said ingredients and added a lot of water or something, because the shiznit left my hair in tangles, and i had to use more and now i'm out already. had i actually went ahead and bought the Pantene in the first place, i'd still have half to two thirds of the bottles left. it's insanity. but it's ok, because i just bought some coconut Sauve shampoo & conditioner, so i will now smell like a coconut from head to toe.

  • example #2: their laundry detergent is too thin and smells like dish soap. i dunno, it may be dish soap, passed off as laundry detergent. but it sucks. again, had to use twice as much.
  • example #3: their dish soap also sucks. same senario, had to use twice as much. the crappity seems like it's just blue water with a drop of dish soap in it.

so bite my ass, Food Lion brand. don't get me wrong, it's a good store, their produce kills Wal Mart's to pieces. but...ok, i just spent way too much time bitching about that, i'm so lame.

why am i so cheap?

oh, yeah. BECAUSE I'M SO BROKE.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

weekend whatnot

such a pretty day today. i heard kids playing outside so the world doesn't seem so deserted. popped open all the windows even though everything is in bloom and making my eyes water with allergy. i actually made something for dinner, not out of a box, mind you, that davey likes. i've been unpacking more and more (agghh, i know, i've been here almost four months and i'm not done unpacking) so my living room almost looks like...a living room.

some of the boxes i'm going through i haven't opened since i was young, these were things that have always been stored in the back of my parents' garages throughout the years. things from when i was like, 10 and younger. little glitter pink sweaters and white church dresses. sickening. but i did find an old gremlins sweatshirt from when i was maybe 7 or 8 that fits davey, and he's been wearing it since yesterday, even though it's getting warm out. it's weird, i remember wearing it, and now it's on my son. i feel a little old.

it doesn't help matters that i found another gray hair while eating dinner at my parents' house. and yes, it came from my head. that's just not fair, i am too young for that shiznit.

i'm glad i've had all week to spend more time with davey (he's been on spring break) but now i'm looking forward to monday when i watch him take off on the bus and i have the house to myself again. at least for a little bit. i'm thinking as soon as he leaves for school i'm gonna get off my fat ass and dig out one of my old exercise videos. if i become any more inanimate, i'll take root. i figure since the diet didn't seem to work, the exercise might. i know, it might actually work to do the diet and exercise AT THE SAME TIME, but fuck, people, that's just too much torture to do all at once.

Friday, March 31, 2006

more blogthings

because i am bored...

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.


Your Quirk Factor: 73%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."


You Are Rowlf the Dog

Mellow and serious, you enjoy time alone cultivating your talents.
You're a cool dog, and you always present a relaxed vibe.
A talented pianist, you can play almost anything - especially songs by Beethoven.
"My bark is worse than my bite, and my piano playing beats 'em both."


You Are 40% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.

You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

i have a song stuck in my head

Hide and Seek' by Imogen Heap.

this song is...a bit odd and now i can't get it out of my head, it's really grown on me. i saw her perform on Last Call with Carson Daly (i hate that man, and i never mean to watch his lamer than lame show but if i don't shut off the tv after conan...well, that's what i get). she was awesome live, also, which listening to the song i wouldn't have thought had i not seen the performance first.

she looked like a bit of a wack job on the show, appearance-wise, like she was trying too hard to look original, but her voice won me over and now i can't stop listening to this one song. i may have to...uhh...*ahem* BUY her album ;) because i've only heard one other song by her now (Goodnight and Go) and that one was catchy but slighty too poppy for everyday or in-the-car playing.

ok, that is all. hopefully my life gets more exiting, because i need some better blogging/poetry material.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Googlism for: jenny

ok, there were like a kajillion of these. i'm only posting some.

jenny is having a baby :: uhhh, no. :(
jenny is a very social woman :: i am the opposite.
jenny is famous :: BOOM! YES! I AM WORLD FAMOUS, MUAHAHA!!!
jenny is stalked mercilessly :: it feels that way
jenny is queen of earth :: and the sooner everyone realizes this, the happier the world will be.
jenny is a bonehead :: ok, yes.
jenny is red hot :: I AM SHAKIRA
jenny is perplexed :: most of the time
jenny is pierced and tattooed :: yups
jenny is a real inspiration :: an inspiration to every antisocial hermit who aspires to write bad poetry
jenny is sooooooo cute :: awwww, no, i'm not.
jenny is a first :: why yes, i've been a few firsts, haha
jenny is a pro and she never lets the jeering of her male competitors get her down :: yeah, assholes. fuck you, you...jeerers.
jenny is a mystery character :: i am also a mystery of science.
jenny is neurologically ok :: maybe not
jenny is a lovely spot for a naturist holiday :: yes, i'm very natural, so check me out.
jenny is an exceptional gymnast :: I CAN DO A BRIDGE!!
jenny is a favorite of our visitors :: so says my parents. well they should.
jenny is a strong girl :: especially if i haven't showered
jenny is looked after by an elderly neighbour :: no, but possibly stared at by a strange neighbor.
jenny is poisoned by a poison cloud :: *dies*
jenny is one of the best bitches i own :: so says Frohike, my pet catfish
jenny is at the moment my favorite jenny :: i'd love to be someone's favorite jenny. it is my life goal.
jenny is a chatterbox who never seems to run out of amusing things to say :: *speechless*
jenny is a character who'll speak her mind and can take control of a situation :: *cracks whip*
jenny is a loner who thinks kids are barely half human :: and i also believe in one god...and he lives in this lake...and his name is Zorgo.
jenny is the prize he's stalked for years :: oooooooh, neat.
jenny is tied up and gagged in a very short tight skirt and tight top :: ok, no one needs to picture that. you'd go mad.
jenny is first seen tending to her sick flatmate :: yup, my sick davey
jenny is cooool :: HECK YEAH, BITCHES.