Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Friday, December 01, 2006

sweet dreams / reality sucks

sometimes when i wake up, i think i'd rather stay asleep and dream forever. waking up today was a rude shock.

i only remember parts of my dream, didn't recognize any of the people in it other than me and i think maybe my parents made an appearance. there was some military people in it at the end, and the whole dream must have spanned at least 10 years, because myself and the people i was around were all growing up.

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

it started out when i was young, maybe 10. i was at a christmas party at my house (although, since this is a dream, it nowhere near resembled the house i actually grew up in). i was in the living room with a bunch of other kids, and one of them was a boy i had a crush on. i don't remember his face or name, only that he seemed somewhat above me and although he knew i was there, he purposely ignored me because i was a few years younger and a girl.

the dream goes on to show me admiring him from afar, watching him with his friends. then flashes forward a few years.

now i am a teenager, maybe 14. another social gathering at my parents' house and again i am admiring him from afar, although it's not just a crush this time, i'm actually in love with him. apparently i look nothing like i really did at that age. since this is a dream, i am somewhat attractive, and although he is again with his friends, playing around and being obnoxious, he starts to notice me a bit more. i still get this feeling that he and i aren't even in the same league, although this impression doesn't come from his attitude. he's grown up and a bit softer, kinder but darker, as if he knows this cosmic secret that could destroy all of mankind, but he's too nice to tell it.

he's reading alone at some point, and i am watching him, hidden. when he leaves, he drops the book by accident and i pick it up and put it in my purse. it's a philosophical book, which makes me appreciate him more. there is something beyond words between the two of us, i can't explain it now, even while i'm awake.

again, flash forward. i am in my twenties now. there are military men in my parents' house. as if they're heroes returning from a war. he is there, one of the heroes but this time no friends around him. he appears constantly troubled, and somehow i know he's keeping a big secret. he's extremely standoffish, although he was the biggest (and youngest) hero of them all. i am in agony seeing him so sad, and i am more in love with him than before.

this is the part that gets blurry.

somehow i approach him and show him his old book i've been treasuring all those years, and this seems extremely important to him, as if he's lost everything he cares about but then finds something that he never lost but never knew he had, which he cares about more than anything. and i guess that was me. hopefully it wasn't the book.

we have a beautiful melancholy romance in secret, because we know we're both misunderstood and no one would accept it. we decide to run away together, but as we decide this, he finds out that he has this top secret assignment which would require moving away from everyone that he knows and loves and cutting off all contact. he decides to sneak me away with him, and my parents help. my mom drives me halfway to his new house, so people will see him leaving alone.

we meet up at this karaoke restaurant. i think all they served was spaghetti. he seems upset, and i find out that he can sense the future, possibly he's a bit psychic. he can't see what is going to happen, but he knows it's going to be bad. i believe him, but go with him anyways, because if something bad was going to happen to him, i wasn't going to let him go through it all alone. so after we eat, i go out to the parking lot and put my bags into his car, and davey and i (yes, i was still a mom in this dream, even though in the dream, i was never with another man) get into his car and off we go.

i can't begin to explain how happy i felt in this dream. even with this foreshadow of disaster, it was bliss. euphoric. like the best drugs ever made.

but then...

:: end of dream sequence ::


my mom called and woke me up. before i even answered the phone, my tooth started throbbing again. i realized i forgot to turn on the alarm clock and davey would be home any secondd. when i talked to my mom, she informed me that by brother's friend had just been murdered, shot in his home. i remembered that i am broke and have no car now. and damn, my tooth really hurt.

it was like being beat in the head with a hammer. i hate reality.

at least charlie will be off work soon, then i can call and whine to him...

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