whaaat is going on with me, i can't focus on anything and i'm constantly irritated unless i'm drinking. i don't get out and do enough, but when i'm off work, i'll make any excuse not to go out and do something. i'm paranoid about driving because i need to get my car inspected and i've already been ticketed once for it. everytime i get the time to do that, i either don't have the money or the place is closed (i need to go to the place that originally did my inspection -- which is like an hour away, but i know any other place will fail it, and i can't afford to get my brakes totally fixed right now).
it's october, the weather is beautiful and i feel this antsy feeling when i'm just sitting around, like i'm a caged animal. charlie is normally at work all day (on my days off). i want to get out of the house, but then getting all of us ready (lucy, david and myself) is normally a pain in the ass and just doesn't seem worth it since i don't have money to do anything other than go to the park and last time i was there the gnats were so thick, i was inhaling them. plus not every place i feel like going is kid friendly.
i need more adult company. charlie and i don't get out enough, just the two of us. i only see mandy once in awhile, and then the neighbor across the street chitchats me when i go check the mail. other than that and family, i've got nonstop baby-crying and children's programming and toys that play the same song over and over and mom-look-at-this and mom-can-i-?? it's part of being a mother, so just suck it up and deal with it. if that's all the advice i get from people, who do i even have to talk to anymore. aaaaurgh.
want to cry and scream and pull my hair out and drink and start smoking again and throw things and eat an entire tub of ice cream and kick people in the eye just for looking at me funny. dammit dammit dammit.