Pain is a familiar friend. I don't know how to behave without it, so I hold onto whatever anguish is happening today, roll it around my head and savor it. If I don't have something to cry about, am I really alive?
This is apparently how I prepare for my kids' birthday party. I'm supposed to be cleaning house today in preparation, but I drank these terrifying vodka redbull concoctions last night and now I feel like garbage.
So I'm lying in bed playing these scenarios in my head. Conversations that will never happen, but where I say all the things I want to say and I get the expected hurtful responses....which is why I don't actually have these conversations. I want to get the words out, but saying them aloud would be some nightmarish vulnerability. So nah.
The result of this, though, is me blubbering stupidly in bed while playing endless games of Solitaire Cash while I'm supposed to be steam mopping. Damn, this brain is wonderful.
