resolutions. plural.

Lots of resolutions...I'm feeling ambitious. Hold my beer, I got this.

1. Be patient, kind, and understanding... even with those who I don't think deserve it. It's not my place to judge. Everyone needs more kindness and less snark. I want to be the sort of person that I would look up to. Above all the pettiness.

2. Put down my phone and read more books -- ones I already own. I've got way too many unread books on my shelves.

3. Paint more and experiment with different styles.

4. Listen to new music -- a new album (as in one I've never heard all the way through) every few days.

5. Be kind to myself. This includes eating healthier, drinking less alcohol, getting more exercise, and taking mental health days (from work and/or everything) when I need them. It also includes dragging myself to the doctor when I need to.

Time is a missed bus

No matter what good happens, there's always moments where I wake up and just feel buried under every single thing. I look at everything I've done wrong, or the things I shoud be doing or should have done. My stomach is tied in knots. It's raining and gray and I feel like this gross lazy thing that adds nothing to anything. Like I'm wasting my life and everyone else's time.

I know time is an illusion. But it's a very convincing illusion. It takes everyone with it when it speeds on past me. It feels like the rest of the world is on a bus that I just missed and am too tired to catch up with.

Excitement

Making a list of things that I find exciting and worth it, for the times that I find nothing exciting or worth it.

A Jenny Jump Start, if you will.

1. Discovering new (or, new to me) music by artists I've never heard of, in a different genre than what I've recently been listening to
2. Reading relatable poetry
3. Furious kitchen dancing
4. Painting something lovely
5. Lighting incense and sitting around listening to records during a thunderstorm
6. Walking through trees (meaning a bunch of trees... not, like... THROUGH A TREE)
7. Playing piano with headphones on and imagining a rapt audience
8. Ghost stories in the dark
9. Writing haikus about fun things
10. Backfloating in the sun
11. Writing lists about things that make me happy

Stopping here for now, until I think of more.

Peace & Love

Still doing this

I'm alive.

I don't feel like it sometimes, but I'm here.

Something feels off. Something's missing. I don't know. I feel a little lost. Daydreamy and surreal. Isolated. Even around people. It's like I'm not connecting. I'm in a parallel dimension where I can still see people. Speak. Hear. But I'm not really there. They're not really there. Everything's empty.

I spent a half hour outside talking to my cat tonight.

I'm losing my fucking mind.