zombie check

what's this silliness? everyone in the house asleep but me and i decide to start watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. good show, great, now i'm doing little "zombie checks" every time i hear...anything. i'll sit here on my lappy watching YouTube videos with headphones on and suddenly i think...what could be going on around me that i'm not hearing? zombie check.

holy crap, i don't believe in this nonsense! i get another glass of wine instead of reading my history chapter, peruse fucking Twitter (thank you charlie, this sudden concern with Twitter is YOUR fault), and...zombie check.

the fan outside just shut off. now it's quieter. i thought it was most quiet before, i just didn't notice that hum of white noise until it shut off, now it's a disturbing kind of nothing. i may need to turn the tv on just for the comfort of sound. which means going into a dark living room...what was that?! shit, i just saw the edge of my glasses out of the corner of my eye and...zombie check.

i feel like i'm fucking five. like when i used to run and jump onto my bed so any hands that tried to reach out and slit my achilles with a butcher knife wouldn't have enough time, then i would lie there trying not to breathe too hard under my holly hobbie bedspread, and would finally have to open a TINY slit of blanket so i could get some cool air (making sure it wasn't near my eye so i wouldn't have to see some ghostly horror floating over my bed waiting to pounce). then waiting. and listening. and picturing a man with a machete under my bed. realizing that if that were the case, he would just need to stab up through my mattress and i would be toast. but i couldn't very well get up or the floaty ghost and butcher knife dude would get me (my bedroom apparently got very crowded at night).

whew. i'm glad i've grown up and come to my senses.

zombie check.

I'll tell you what...

For every criticism and complaint that I receive for my being the way I am, for every insult meant to point out what I consider to be a strength as if it were a laughable weakness, and for every person who goes out of their way to be insulted by my beliefs and disbelief, I can only say that I will never be made to feel ashamed. If I ever decide to change my mind, it will never result from your obnoxious bullying, but from my own observation of facts. I am proud to be who I am, whether or not it fits with your image of perfection. You are certainly not without flaws. I have never gone out of my way to single someone out to tell them that they are wrong in their beliefs and they should live their life the way that I deem appropriate. I resent anyone that inflicts that same idiocy upon me. I believe what I believe because I think it is worthy, true and beneficial to myself, my family, and to society as a whole. I can't help that you hold the opposite opinion, but you have the right to disagree with me. Just keep out of my fucking face.

it's a minchin day

best thing to get my mind off being miserably sick? watching tim minchin videos on youtube.

juicy

i have a cold. i'm not dying, i'm not helpless and i'm not actually feeling that bad yet. but holy fuck, i want someone to come and take care of my kids for a week, clean my house, make me soup, give me a large bottle of southern comfort so i can numb myself and then let me sleep. then disappear from the face of the earth, so i wouldn't feel guilty and the need to repay the kindness. i don't need a mommy. i need elves to come and make me some fucking shoes. or something, i can't think straight.

lucy's sick and snotting all over. she's been like this and had a nasty cough for the last few days, so for the last few days i've been waiting for the inevitable and now it's here, in all it's juicy glory. how i despise colds. heavy lungs, aching head, burning throat and all kinds of nastiness backed up somewhere in there waiting for me to sneeze in front of someone. yeah, that's disgusting. the worst of it hasn't hit yet and i'm scheduled to work the next three days. fuck.

reason rally

richard dawkins. tim minchin. adam savage. james randi. bad religion. and me. because i'm totally going, and bringing charlie and dave with me. hoping for a most epic adventure. and HOLY CRAP, TIM MINCHIN!!! YESSSSS.

morrissey

for the past few months, i really haven't wanted to listen to any music unless it involved morrissey's voice. all kinds of beautiful.

worry

i worry about some people. i can't do anything about their situation, and if i tell them i'm worried without offering to help (because really, in this situation, there really is nothing i can personally do for them), they would resent me. it may just be my perception of a situation i know nothing about (i have lost much contact and haven't seen them in over eight years), but said person really does not seem...lucid anymore.

i miss you, friend, and i hope your situation turns around. i hope people stop praying for you and do something that actually yields results. i will not pray for you, but you are in my thoughts. i know that really doesn't help you, though.

happy fucking holiday

i'm an atheist. i also LOVE christmas. i don't celebrate it as the birth of jesus, because it isn't. the celebration is much older than christianity and pulls from other cultures and religions (largely from pagans). but whatever, that's a well known fact and i'm sure i'm not the first person you've heard this from.

whatever the origins, i love it. it's a good time to be with family, watch corny movies, eat cookies and buy shit for people. it's the happy warm place during a time when it's cold and dark and depressing outside (i'm not a huge fan of winter weather). it's a good excuse to celebrate and drink (not that i need an excuse for that), and it makes my kids happy.

but if i have to continue to endure this, "he's the reason for the season," or, "keep CHRIST in christmas," or worse yet, the idea that saying, "Happy Holidays," is somehow offensive and part of a war on christmas, i might just snap. it's almost funny that people who have no problem with telling me that i'm going to burn in hell can't handle the words, "happy holidays." i have very little patience for religious people, especially that annoying habit that most of them have of trying to shove their make-believe god down everyone else's throats. so if one more of these flag waving ultra-american redneck bible lovers that think they own this holiday try to impose their ridiculous beliefs on me or my family, i'm afraid i may have to tell them where they can shove their god.

BOOM!

my friends are in trouble

Lindsay & Joe's kids to the left, my Lucy on the right.

I just learned that my friends across the street from me, Lindsay and Joe (and kids) are in a huge jam. Lindsay's brother died in their home a few months ago, she's apparently been over-medicated by her doctor for her chronic pain, had some sort of breakdown and is currently in jail. She has been away from her family for the last few months, through Thanksgiving and now she will miss Christmas. Her husband, Joe, is legally blind and unable to drive. He has been stuck at home for months raising their two children and is unable to work. They are running out of money and NEED HELP.

I'm not judging Lindsay. Yes, she broke the law and I understand why she is in jail. I have read the explanation on Joe's blog but I still think I don't know enough of the situation to really know what is going on with her. I hadn't even spoken to her since before her brother died (which I feel terrible about). HOWEVER, her husband and two children have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to suffer through this alone and broke, especially through the holidays.

I have donated what money I could (which isn't much since we just spent money on Christmas gifts and our paychecks are already reserved for rent and bills), but i think if a lot of people can donate what little they can to this family, it would save them. These people have been there when I needed them. We've babysat each other's kids. The night my water broke when I was pregnant with Lucy and home alone with my son, David (Charlie was at work), Lindsay dropped everything and drove me to the hospital while Joe babysat David. These are good people and really deserve a damn break.

Please, if you have that little bit of extra after paying for gifts and bills, give a little to this family. Here is a link to Joe's blog, My Family Needs A Christmas Miracle. It explains the entire story and has a PayPal donate button, so if you've got something to give, it's very convenient, too. They need a miracle. If enough people donate just $20 (or more...or even less, whatever you can part with), they will have that miracle.

Lindsay and Joe's kids

too much wine = silly nonsense blog post

i'm still the same girl that projected herself into the future when she was 9. i remember vividly, standing at the top of the street by myself waiting for the school bus, trying to picture it. i wondered then if i would be the same person when i was a teenager...in college...a mom. and yes, it's still me. i have had a very definite sense of ME for my entire life, and i am proud and appalled to say i don't change much. i have the same imagination and insecurities as i had when i was a kid, yet i now seem to hide...both. the imagination comes out a lot when i'm drinking, though. like now. but i try to hide that hope that someday i will be "very important." as in famous for something. i suppose i am important to my kids and family. that's enough. i guess.

fruit fly holocaust

look at the little bastards. muahaha!

i had a problem. i refuse to stop buying bananas and apples, but a tribe of fruit flies have begun to make our kitchen their home. not just a few. for some reason, they've been really thick. i've searched around to make sure something hadn't gone bad, and removed some things (a bag of potatoes, some tomatoes from my cousin's garden), but we've always had bananas and apples on the counter and have never had this bad a problem with the fruit flies.

i had tried clapping them in my hands or smacking them on the walls and kitchen counters. didn't work. i tried following them around the kitchen with lysol (i don't want to taint everything in the kitchen with Raid). didn't work. i got the vacuum out and sucked up a whole bunch of them, but that was more fun than effective, as i just temporarily scared most of them away. so i googled a solution. and i found it.

i got a clear cup and put a little apple cider vinegar in the bottom. then i made a paper cone with a tiny opening at the tip a little larger than a fruit fly. then, i put the cone into the cup with the tip pointing down (making sure it didn't dip into the vinegar) and taped the top to the cup to seal it. i left the room for about 5 minutes, came back and BOOM! i had caught exactly six. it's now been about an hour and there's a bunch.

yesssss.

sunday night

it's never okay to mix cheap wine with jenny at 2am. or feed the mogwai after midnight.

it's one of those nights where i know i need to get things done and i know i need to wake up early and be coherent, yet at the same time, the notion of sleep seems absurd. sleep?? i'm too busy drinking and listening to moody music, man! i'm the only person awake in the world right now. never mind time zones, i am IT. me, myself and i. the rest of the human race will not exist until...say...about 7am.

i want to go sleep and have one of those very consuming dreams that will set my mood for the rest of the day. the sort that has me pissing and moaning about having to wake up and interrupt it. normally they are extremely bizarre, so if i happen to have that dream and remember it tomorrow, i'll be sure and post the details.

good night, all you nonexistent people.

after watching Walking and Talking. by myself.

i'm a little...drunk? maybe. but i just finished a romantic comedy from...i suppose from the mid 90's, i dunno. there's nothing like drinking and being absorbed into a movie. living someone else's life for a change. not that i don't like my own (i do), but it feels so fresh, feeling someone else's feelings. mine feel so stale and predictable. i miss newness and skinny dipping. i need some shaking up is all. it's all become monotonous. i think charlie and i need a vacation. just us. i adore our kids, but i feel i'm becoming boring. that is the thing i have always feared most. that and clowns. and spiders.

antsies in me pantsies

it's the day before easter. i'm restless. want to do something. i feel like i'm getting too comfortable with doing my boring ordinary things and i need to do something loud and obnoxious. i can't sit still. i find myself pacing. i need a little more messiness in my life. the good kind. the kind that leaves me happy and out of breath and looking around for more shit to get into. maybe today. i think i'll go ghost hunting.

dreaming

had a weird dream last night about a diseased pregnant woman, the housewares section of JC Penney, beautiful old friends, used lord of the rings books, an old movie theater...i can't remember anything but snippets of it. and locations. but there was part of it that seemed, when i woke up, to be of great importance. it was imperative that i remember it.

it probably just felt that way in the dream. everything in dreams seems like a big deal until i wake up. but sometimes that feeling bleeds out into my awake mind and i struggle to remember what was so meaningful about it. last night's dream was so wonderful and horrible and heavy. i want it back.

back to school. for ME.

okay, so i've signed up for community college. again. regrettably, the first time around (ten years ago, O.M.G.) i took classes that i was interested in, sure, but with no plan to work toward anything but a general associates degree (which i got) and some half assed notion that i would transfer to university...later. what did i want to major in? i had no idea, but i just said psychology, because that sounded nice and smart.

so, yeah. i took ZERO computer or higher math classes, so i've got that to look forward to now. and funny, NOW i actually AM looking forward to it. i am a lot smarter now than i was ten years ago, and a lot more focused and determined. i am no longer that clueless girl that threw away all that opportunity just because it was too haaaaaard. haha. i put my education on hold to raise david with every intention of finishing when he started school, but that never happened. now david is 10 and i've got yet another rugrat (a sweet, lovable rugrat, yes -- but lucy does not like me to do anything unless it involves her). i can't keep procrastinating. this needs to happen now.

in a way, though, i'm glad that i didn't waste all that time and money working toward a degree and career that i don't even want now. i KNOW what i want now, and that makes this a lot easier. i'm going to start at community college, transfer to university and have my bachelors FINALLY. it will be slow going, but hopefully i'll be done before david starts college.

now i've just got to figure out how to juggle work, school and two kids. ghaaaaa. what am i DOING??

it's high time i get off my ass

things are changing. seasons, situations, attitudes, and it's time to get off my chunky ass and lose another 30 lbs. i lost 30 lbs in late spring/early summer and then i kind of slacked off. but i maintained the same weight and haven't gained (a miracle, there) so now is a good time to pick up where i left off. green smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, light dinner and crazy hula hooping, baby. it's stuff i like eating and doing anyway, so what's the hold up?

full. speed. ahead. bitches.

hitler vs. a dinosaur

as strange and dark as this dream was, i woke up from it refreshed and happy.

:: jenny's dream sequence ::


the circus was in town, or so we thought. it turned out to be a concentration camp, and it was mostly for children. david and lucy went missing, along with half of the other kids in town. no one knew where all the children had gone, and apparently never questioned the mysterious circus.


years passed and finally parents started to figure out what had happened. charlie and i broke into the camp and found that it was hitler running it. hitler was alive and well (well, physically. not mentally) and had not aged at all. we had to run around hiding from soldiers and found rooms of paper-thin children hanging from clotheslines. somehow we spoke to one of the guards (i think we told him we were nazi reporters or something) and he was bragging how they were able to get the kids so thin and still keep them alive.


charlie's mom was suddenly with us, and she had a plan where we would just tell hitler we were going to take david and lucy to the zoo. then we would just never bring them back. charlie and i had a better idea, and formed a plan to steal hitlers jeep and stow david and lucy in the back, then haul ass out of camp.

 when we found david and lucy, they were older (about 8 and 16) and david had been training in the martial arts in secret, so he ended up fighting off all the nazis and helped us escape in the jeep. as we were leaving the camp/circus, we saw a face-off between hitler and a t-rex, but i never got to see how it ended.


:: end of dream sequence ::

after seeing hitler fighting a dinosaur, it's hard not to have a good day.

experiment

trying to cut meat and dairy out of my diet. so far, i'm still eating eggs and fish. still having cool whip, too, and i guess that's technically dairy. trying out green smoothies for breakfast. i made a nasty smoothie this morning, so i will try honey and more fruit in tomorrow's. so tired i can't even think in full sentences. i suppose i'll write more on this when i'm a little more conscious.

my dreams

decided to sift through years worth of my blog posts for my "dream sequences," copied and pasted them all into Word for a whopping 17 pages worth of pure nonsensical bliss. they're interesting to me, at least. especially the one where i dreamed of giving birth to lucy...almost 3 years BEFORE i actually gave birth to her. i never really realized how many dreams i had written down until i searched my blog for "dream sequence." it's unbelievable, since i only remember little bits of my dreams now.

so this is what i'll try to do. as soon as i wake up, i plan to write down every detail of every dream i can remember having that night (i used to remember several, sometimes 4 or 5) and post it here. i think the more i write down my dreams (or attempt to recall them each morning), the better my chances are at remembering more of my dreams the next morning. i've only remembered a few dreams in the last few months. what makes it hard is waking up every few hours most nights to lucy fussing. maybe she doesn't give me the chance to dream. maybe i wake up too often to get into a deep sleep.

well, anyways, i hope not.