Things are too real. Or unreal. Reality is oppressive. Or nothing is happening. Pain is real, as I slap my face, cheek and cheek until my skin is singing. Awake is pointless movement in space. Dream is worlds in worlds in worlds, too few, far between and forgotten, devoid of routine and full with everything. I am so done with reality.
Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
So I'm not okay. Again. I'm a broken fucking record. Nobody wants to hear that I'm not doing okay. Even when they ask, "You okay?" when I say no, all I get is silence, or an, "...okay..." "No," is never the acceptable reply. I'm supposed to say yes by reflex whether it's true or not, because no one knows how to respond to, "Actually, it feels like all of reality is breaking apart and I've no idea how to cope with it."
I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what anyone could do to help. I don't even know how to word it so it can be understood. It's not one single thing. It's everything at once. It's everyday everything suddenly bigger and badder and more intimidating. It's dread. It's paralyzing emptiness. I don't know what triggered it. I have no clues or reasons. I'm empty handed. The only thing I can do is write it, roll it up in this bloggy bottle, and toss it out there.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016
My best friend, Mandy, was visiting one day, and wanted to go out to the movies. We had decided to go see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and bring Dave with us. Only we wanted to keep it a surprise. So I told him he had to come along with us to run errands. He was not happy about it.
We said nothing in the car of our movie-going plans. Since the theater is on the way to most stores we frequent, he never caught on until we turned into the theater parking lot. And still, we kept the movie a secret. Well, at least the name of the movie.
"Sorry, Dave, we tricked you into seeing a romantic comedy with us. Hope you don't get too bored."
The stupid trip to run errands became an ever STUPIDER trip to see a chick flick. Poor kid. He didn't really complain, but you could tell he was NOT impressed with our choice of movie genre.
So we went in. Mandy went in ahead of us and bought the tickets, so he never heard the name of the movie. She handed the tickets for Dave and I to me. Covering the name Transformers with my thumb so only the word MATINEE was visible, I showed him a ticket and said, "See? It's a romantic comedy called The Manatee." He groaned and rolled his eyes, but he TOTALLY bought it.
Already needlessly long story short: He didn't find out we were there to see Transformers until the opening credits started, and a good time was had by all.
But now. Now there needs to actually BE...
...The Manatee: A Romantic Comedy.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
I don't know how to be alone in a hotel room. It's always lonely and uncomfortable. Last time this happened, I brought productive things to do, a book, things I don't have time to do at home, or things that require more concentration than I can muster at home. But did I do anything productive? NO. I drank, sat around feeling mopey, drank more, looked at facebook, drank more, wondered how many of the hotel guests were fapping in their rooms at that very moment, drank more, flipped on the TV, found a stupid movie that I did NOT want to watch, watched it, bawled like an idiot because that's the reaction that movie was designed to induce, fell asleep feeling like the only person alive, and then me and my hangover woke up in the morning to the music of slamming doors.
In a shite mood. My Ethics instructor emailed me this evening, concerned that I'm not participating in class. It's an online class, and far as I know, I have not missed any deadlines. So really. Fuck that guy. I'm doing the best I can. The first real assignment is due on Sunday before midnight. This is, hmm, FUCKING THURSDAY. I appreciate his concern, but...no...no, I actually don't.
I'm on a Depeche Mode kick tonight, so I will leave you with this:
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Guess what? I'm going to bitch about everything, so if you don't want to hear it, quit reading and fuck off. It's that Everything Is Shit time of year. Out come all of the Christmas decorations and my full-blown depression. Traffic, greed, shitty weather, packed stores, religious nonsense, annoying commercials, bad movies, and Elf on the Goddamn Shelf. Somewhere deep down, I do like Christmas...in my own way. I just don't feel like digging that deep at the moment. Fuck It.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Holy hell, it's almost holiday time. I'm dragging. No energy for it. Or for anything. The thought of having to do anything, be it work or homework or dishes or family stuff or everything that surrounds the holidays (oh, fuck, the tree, the shopping), the thought just exhausts me. Just the thought. I want to sleep through it all.
I think I'm closing in on the bottom of my roller coaster ride this year.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Describe your favorite alcoholic beverage:
It's waiting for me after a trying day. I can't say I have one specific alcoholic drink that I can call my favorite, much in the same way I don't have a favorite song or favorite band. It is the right adult beverage at the right time. When I return home from work, it's the cold bottle of beer I pull from the fridge after changing into my pajamas. When it's game night with my family, it is a potent rum and coke that loosens the laughter from my belly. On vacation, it is whatever tropical pink or red relaxing concoction with a memorably unique name that strikes my fancy. Sometimes it's wine. It's not often wine, but there are those times that only a chilled glass (or bottle) of wine will do. Red or white, with pasta at dinner or while watching a sad or romantic French movie, reading the blurred English subtitles through my stupid blubbery tears. It's the Malibu Rum in my hot cocoa that warms me while watching a snowstorm. The whiskey that dulls my senses when I feel I could lose my mind completely to depression, slowly becoming inebriated while listening to The Smiths or Tom Waits and typing out poem after drunken poem, channeling what feels at the time to be my inner Bukowski (but which is revealed to be a thirty-something's equivalent to teen angst once I'm sober). I've got an intimate relationship with alcohol, and I'm sure I've got new favorites out there yet to pass my lips, just waiting for the perfect situation to introduce itself.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
- The family and I are going to the beach in a couple days. And I plan to have a splendid time and drink at every restaurant we eat at. Because vacation.
- When we get home from vacation, we are finally getting a cat. A CAT! HOLY HELL YESSSSS. SO MUCH FUZZY ADORABLES, I JUST CANNOT WAIT.
- My house is cleaner than it's ever been. So once we adopt said cat, there will now be zero chance of losing it amidst our rubbish. (Listen to me. Rubbish. That sounds so fancy and British).
- My hip pain is gone. I can RUN. I can DANCE. But right now I choose to laze on the sofa.
- My son's arthritis pain is finally under control. A kid his age should not have to live with constant pain. So, now HE can RUN. And DANCE. But right now he chooses to sit in front of his computer all day. Like mother, like son. Pfft.
- Badass air conditioning in the living room. It is the middle of summer and my toes are numb. I approve.
- Finally doing something about building actual credit. I am starting to suspect that I may, actually, be a grown-up. Possibly.
- My aunt's cancer has shrunk. I have no cutesy smartass comment to add to this, just genuine happiness. I love her and want her to stick around. And now it appears she will.
- My parents are healthy and awesome.
- My kids are healthy and awesome.
- My Charlie is healthy and awesome. Really awesome. How he deals with my moody self every damn day is beyond me. But he's done it for 9 1/2 years with no visible signs of being completely sick of me yet (keeping fingers crossed), so thank you, Cha Cha, I love you. I know I'm a pain in the ass, but we both are. Remember that.
- This is the first time I've written something in a long while that isn't depressing or drunken incoherent babbling. I'm writing this SOBER. Point for Jenny!
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Sometimes I'm drunk and feel things that shouldn't be real. I'm okay with that. I own a fragile human brain. Maybe it doesn't work the way it should. Maybe it does. I don't know what's real at the moment. I know I feel very good and feel things deeply. I know that once I read this sober, I will be bewildered and possibly embarrassed. Fuck sober Jenny. I know everything. I'm completely powerless, but I know. I feel like I've tapped into some sort of collective consciousness. I don't want to sober up and laugh off my naivety.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Wednesday, February 04, 2015
I don't even want to be someone who argues an issue. I can't stand being in a conversation with someone who's going on and on about something when I'm just trying to chill and muck about in my own life. Maybe I just haven't found the right issue. I dunno. It's not as if I don't want the world to be a better place. But I want my world to be a better place, and that involves everyone shutting the hell up.
Yeah, I'm selfish. I've gotten to the point where admitting to that doesn't even make me feel ashamed. I'm a good person, on the whole, dammit. I'm just a very jaded, indifferent good person. Who can't stand 99% of the human race.
I'm bored. Now that's out of my head (I've just gone blank-eyed staring at all the well-meaning but mind-numbing debate via Facebook comments), I have nothing. Is this something wrong with me? I used to feel that my mind was this endless abyss full of dark and delicious thoughts, repressed dreams coming unearthed at odd moments, sending me into a spin of emotion. I was a small vessel containing infinite universes. Now my head sometimes feels like so much wasted space. Blank. Dead. I can't believe I've had enough words floating around in there to write this much.
But now...hm...no, I suppose that's all.
Friday, January 09, 2015
It's January. I always get so optimistic this time of year. Like I will Change Everything. And I can, I totally have the power to change myself for the better. Eventually, it always feels like the top of the roller coaster. I am at a high point where I can see everything clearly. It's somewhere around the end of summer when I start to feel that this is just the same stupid loop every year and that I'll be climbing back up to that same high point every January, only to plummet into lows and be jerked around until it starts all over again. And then again. And then again.
I need to change my roller coaster. I want a new ride every year. I want more high points. I want water splashed on me and see wild animals and fire and lasers. Dammit.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
I don't have any crisis at the moment. My fall classes are finished and I aced them all. Money is okay. Kids are alright (I said that in Roger Daltrey's voice). Work...well, it's always one part boring, one part alright, and two parts big fucking mess, so that's nothing new. It's like there's this big lull, a sigh, a pause. And I don't know what to do. It's too quiet.
I realize I've got to find something wrong with everything. When things are going the best, I'm bracing for the worst. The after-Christmas hangover is coming, and that will last at least a month or two. So it's time to enjoy THE FUCK out of this Christmas, dammit.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Tonight's a little better. Bad time at work, but good night at home. I always regret drinking after the fact, but in moderate amounts, it feels as if it helps. I can relax and connect easier. We were just out looking at the stars. Things felt good and normal. Planning for Halloween. Being stupid and ridiculous. How things should always be. Yeah. I feel good tonight.
Thursday, October 02, 2014
I've become a downer over the last decade, which is about the same amount of time I've maintained this blog. It seems the more "good" things that happen in my life, the more shitty my personality becomes. I can't pretend to understand why. And I'm sorry. My mind is a poisonous place as of late, no matter what happens, I'm an insufferable asshole, incapable of chilling out and enjoying anything. I drink too much. I'm lazy and boring and stupidly predictable. I either irritate, offend, or just push away anyone I've ever loved. Trust me, though. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm human. Hopefully I'll outgrow this phase of being horrible to everyone around me.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Scrolling through my Facebook feed, my eyes tend to roll back into my head every few minutes each time I pass certain family members' ignorant posts meant to make the nonreligious of us feel ashamed. They all know I'm an atheist. The last one was a "shame on you," type jab to those who don't agree that god is good. I don't understand people. Why emerse yourselves in an oppressive fairy tale? And why make me out to be evil for simply using my fucking brain and stating the obvious? How can my otherwise sane and loving family members have this COMPLETELY FUCKING MENTAL side to them? I need a drink.
Yes. I realize this would be a very boring film.
It would need a great soundtrack.