Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Tuesday, October 08, 2019
No matter what good happens, there's always moments where I wake up and just feel buried under every single thing. I look at everything I've done wrong, or the things I shoud be doing or should have done. My stomach is tied in knots. It's raining and gray and I feel like this gross lazy thing that adds nothing to anything. Like I'm wasting my life and everyone else's time.
I know time is an illusion. But it's a very convincing illusion. It takes everyone with it when it speeds on past me. It feels like the rest of the world is on a bus that I just missed and am too tired to catch up with.
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Making a list of things that I find exciting and worth it, for the times that I find nothing exciting or worth it.
A Jenny Jump Start, if you will.
1. Discovering new (or, new to me) music by artists I've never heard of, in a different genre than what I've recently been listening to
2. Reading relatable poetry
3. Furious kitchen dancing
4. Painting something lovely
5. Lighting incense and sitting around listening to records during a thunderstorm
6. Walking through trees (meaning a bunch of trees... not, like... THROUGH A TREE)
7. Playing piano with headphones on and imagining a rapt audience
8. Ghost stories in the dark
9. Writing haikus about fun things
10. Backfloating in the sun
11. Writing lists about things that make me happy
Stopping here for now, until I think of more.
Peace & Love
Saturday, May 25, 2019
I don't feel like it sometimes, but I'm here.
Something feels off. Something's missing. I don't know. I feel a little lost. Daydreamy and surreal. Isolated. Even around people. It's like I'm not connecting. I'm in a parallel dimension where I can still see people. Speak. Hear. But I'm not really there. They're not really there. Everything's empty.
I spent a half hour outside talking to my cat tonight.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
Let's start by listing everything I'm angry about.
1. Dishes not done.
2. Trash overflowing.
3. No one else in the house caring about the first two items on this list.
4. Pants. They're never fucking comfortable.
5. My phone has amnesia and has recently started autocorrecting all my texts to bizarre shit.
6. STINK FUCKING BUGS I HATE THEM.
7. I'm angry and I don't want to be angry and that makes me ANGRY!
8. I'm too tired to do anything cool but I don't want to be in this bed.
9. Elderly people in large groups. Ugh.
10. Having to wait for someone to get off their billionth goddamn personal call at work to talk to them. You are at work. Act like it. Also, I'm telling on you. Fuck that shit.
11. Know it all holier than thou types. I will eat whatever seafood I fucking want. And like it.
12. The word "thou."
Okay, I think that helped. I've gone off my antidepressants and I'm experiencing random anger again. But it's stuff that should be bitched about. So there.
Also realized that my meds were effecting my sleep quality. Maybe just thyroid supplements for awhile. Trying to not be a zombie. I'm bored with my medicated state of mind. I need my mind back. My brain fog had gotten terrible. I couldn't remember simple words. And how much have I even written over the past year? Yeah, fucking nothing. Okay, I think I'm no longer too angry to sleep so...
Uhh...my throat is making a weird popcorn sound. Popopop pop pop. What in the world. Huh.
Tuesday, May 09, 2017
I just had a horrifying dream this morning after the kids left for school. I dreamed that my brother came very close to shooting me in the face and killing me. I haven't spoken to my brother for months. We had a falling out over his stupid backwards worldview (pro Trump, anti-gay/trans/nonreligious/basically everyone interesting). But...the fuck was up with that dream? It's upset my afternoon. It's a beautiful sunny day and I just want to pull all the curtains and drink until I'm unconscious. Stupid dream.
I'm going to try to force myself to write. Hopefully inspiration is not only tied to depression for me. I want to write shitty haiku about nature. Or whatever. This is going to be awesome. More to come. From MILDLY CONTENT JENNY. BOOM.
Sunday, October 02, 2016
I can't feel much at the moment. I have a lump in my neck, which OF COURSE I've googled and Web MD'ed to death, so I'm sure I'm dying. I have a doctor appointment in two days, and I know that's only a start. I won't find out anything about it straight away. There will be labs, tests, whatever. In the meantime, I'm as much of a wreck as someone who is mostly numb to emotions can be. Wondering if I should plug on like normal, or whip out my bucket list. Which I haven't really even made yet. What do I want from life? I don't even know.
Details, coming soon.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
I'm roaming around in a mind fog. My days are all blurring together. I can't think clearly. I'm no fun. I'm just tired of all social interaction. I have the urge to just gather up my stuff and go camping by myself for a week. I'd probably be eaten by something, but at this point that almost sounds nice. Can't come in to work, sorry, I'm being eaten by a motherfucking bear. *sigh* I just can't anymore, but still have to anyway.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Things are too real. Or unreal. Reality is oppressive. Or nothing is happening. Pain is real, as I slap my face, cheek and cheek until my skin is singing. Awake is pointless movement in space. Dream is worlds in worlds in worlds, too few, far between and forgotten, devoid of routine and full with everything. I am so done with reality.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
So I'm not okay. Again. I'm a broken fucking record. Nobody wants to hear that I'm not doing okay. Even when they ask, "You okay?" when I say no, all I get is silence, or an, "...okay..." "No," is never the acceptable reply. I'm supposed to say yes by reflex whether it's true or not, because no one knows how to respond to, "Actually, it feels like all of reality is breaking apart and I've no idea how to cope with it."
I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what anyone could do to help. I don't even know how to word it so it can be understood. It's not one single thing. It's everything at once. It's everyday everything suddenly bigger and badder and more intimidating. It's dread. It's paralyzing emptiness. I don't know what triggered it. I have no clues or reasons. I'm empty handed. The only thing I can do is write it, roll it up in this bloggy bottle, and toss it out there.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016
My best friend, Mandy, was visiting one day, and wanted to go out to the movies. We had decided to go see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and bring Dave with us. Only we wanted to keep it a surprise. So I told him he had to come along with us to run errands. He was not happy about it.
We said nothing in the car of our movie-going plans. Since the theater is on the way to most stores we frequent, he never caught on until we turned into the theater parking lot. And still, we kept the movie a secret. Well, at least the name of the movie.
"Sorry, Dave, we tricked you into seeing a romantic comedy with us. Hope you don't get too bored."
The stupid trip to run errands became an ever STUPIDER trip to see a chick flick. Poor kid. He didn't really complain, but you could tell he was NOT impressed with our choice of movie genre.
So we went in. Mandy went in ahead of us and bought the tickets, so he never heard the name of the movie. She handed the tickets for Dave and I to me. Covering the name Transformers with my thumb so only the word MATINEE was visible, I showed him a ticket and said, "See? It's a romantic comedy called The Manatee." He groaned and rolled his eyes, but he TOTALLY bought it.
Already needlessly long story short: He didn't find out we were there to see Transformers until the opening credits started, and a good time was had by all.
But now. Now there needs to actually BE...
...The Manatee: A Romantic Comedy.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
I don't know how to be alone in a hotel room. It's always lonely and uncomfortable. Last time this happened, I brought productive things to do, a book, things I don't have time to do at home, or things that require more concentration than I can muster at home. But did I do anything productive? NO. I drank, sat around feeling mopey, drank more, looked at facebook, drank more, wondered how many of the hotel guests were fapping in their rooms at that very moment, drank more, flipped on the TV, found a stupid movie that I did NOT want to watch, watched it, bawled like an idiot because that's the reaction that movie was designed to induce, fell asleep feeling like the only person alive, and then me and my hangover woke up in the morning to the music of slamming doors.
In a shite mood. My Ethics instructor emailed me this evening, concerned that I'm not participating in class. It's an online class, and far as I know, I have not missed any deadlines. So really. Fuck that guy. I'm doing the best I can. The first real assignment is due on Sunday before midnight. This is, hmm, FUCKING THURSDAY. I appreciate his concern, but...no...no, I actually don't.
I'm on a Depeche Mode kick tonight, so I will leave you with this:
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Guess what? I'm going to bitch about everything, so if you don't want to hear it, quit reading and fuck off. It's that Everything Is Shit time of year. Out come all of the Christmas decorations and my full-blown depression. Traffic, greed, shitty weather, packed stores, religious nonsense, annoying commercials, bad movies, and Elf on the Goddamn Shelf. Somewhere deep down, I do like Christmas...in my own way. I just don't feel like digging that deep at the moment. Fuck It.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Holy hell, it's almost holiday time. I'm dragging. No energy for it. Or for anything. The thought of having to do anything, be it work or homework or dishes or family stuff or everything that surrounds the holidays (oh, fuck, the tree, the shopping), the thought just exhausts me. Just the thought. I want to sleep through it all.
I think I'm closing in on the bottom of my roller coaster ride this year.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Describe your favorite alcoholic beverage:
It's waiting for me after a trying day. I can't say I have one specific alcoholic drink that I can call my favorite, much in the same way I don't have a favorite song or favorite band. It is the right adult beverage at the right time. When I return home from work, it's the cold bottle of beer I pull from the fridge after changing into my pajamas. When it's game night with my family, it is a potent rum and coke that loosens the laughter from my belly. On vacation, it is whatever tropical pink or red relaxing concoction with a memorably unique name that strikes my fancy. Sometimes it's wine. It's not often wine, but there are those times that only a chilled glass (or bottle) of wine will do. Red or white, with pasta at dinner or while watching a sad or romantic French movie, reading the blurred English subtitles through my stupid blubbery tears. It's the Malibu Rum in my hot cocoa that warms me while watching a snowstorm. The whiskey that dulls my senses when I feel I could lose my mind completely to depression, slowly becoming inebriated while listening to The Smiths or Tom Waits and typing out poem after drunken poem, channeling what feels at the time to be my inner Bukowski (but which is revealed to be a thirty-something's equivalent to teen angst once I'm sober). I've got an intimate relationship with alcohol, and I'm sure I've got new favorites out there yet to pass my lips, just waiting for the perfect situation to introduce itself.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
- The family and I are going to the beach in a couple days. And I plan to have a splendid time and drink at every restaurant we eat at. Because vacation.
- When we get home from vacation, we are finally getting a cat. A CAT! HOLY HELL YESSSSS. SO MUCH FUZZY ADORABLES, I JUST CANNOT WAIT.
- My house is cleaner than it's ever been. So once we adopt said cat, there will now be zero chance of losing it amidst our rubbish. (Listen to me. Rubbish. That sounds so fancy and British).
- My hip pain is gone. I can RUN. I can DANCE. But right now I choose to laze on the sofa.
- My son's arthritis pain is finally under control. A kid his age should not have to live with constant pain. So, now HE can RUN. And DANCE. But right now he chooses to sit in front of his computer all day. Like mother, like son. Pfft.
- Badass air conditioning in the living room. It is the middle of summer and my toes are numb. I approve.
- Finally doing something about building actual credit. I am starting to suspect that I may, actually, be a grown-up. Possibly.
- My aunt's cancer has shrunk. I have no cutesy smartass comment to add to this, just genuine happiness. I love her and want her to stick around. And now it appears she will.
- My parents are healthy and awesome.
- My kids are healthy and awesome.
- My Charlie is healthy and awesome. Really awesome. How he deals with my moody self every damn day is beyond me. But he's done it for 9 1/2 years with no visible signs of being completely sick of me yet (keeping fingers crossed), so thank you, Cha Cha, I love you. I know I'm a pain in the ass, but we both are. Remember that.
- This is the first time I've written something in a long while that isn't depressing or drunken incoherent babbling. I'm writing this SOBER. Point for Jenny!
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Sometimes I'm drunk and feel things that shouldn't be real. I'm okay with that. I own a fragile human brain. Maybe it doesn't work the way it should. Maybe it does. I don't know what's real at the moment. I know I feel very good and feel things deeply. I know that once I read this sober, I will be bewildered and possibly embarrassed. Fuck sober Jenny. I know everything. I'm completely powerless, but I know. I feel like I've tapped into some sort of collective consciousness. I don't want to sober up and laugh off my naivety.