Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

the jumble that is the jenny

i've been reading and chatting all day. annoyed at my laptop for being old, annoyed at myself for not having a job yet and the money to replace it. i called social services and asked what i needed to do to get child care assistance. first, it seems, i need to apply for something else called TANF that no one even bothered to explain (and, by the sound of the woman's tone, they should have talked to me about it when i applied for my other assistance whatnot). so this is what i think their deal is. they are deliberatly putting me through all these applications and waiting so it takes me longer to get assistance, therefore, they give me less assistance. the fuckers.

i think i won't buy any more soda. i've hooked myself on cherry coke and my weight is...well, it's the reason i need to stop drinking so much of it. less soda, more coffee. or water. soda is too expensive anyhow. i need to lose all this weight. i've grown comfortable with all the extra jenny over the years, but now i think it's high time i get rid of it and become the normal me again. i know i'm under all this fat...somewhere.

i need to pick up a little notebook. this has been my diary...sort of, for awhile now but there's so much i can't write here and i'm sick of keeping up private blogs. it's such a pain, getting online now, anyway. AOL keeps booting me offline, it takes forever to do anything, so back to pen and paper for awhile, aside from the occasional post here now and then. but yeah *writing it down* buy one small journal-type notebook from walmart. and not one with kittens on it or other such nonsense. just a plain black notebook. yeah.

i feel things changing. i WILL see the doctor and get a job and a laptop and a couch soon. how simple that sounds, it's not as if i want the moon. i'm a simple girl, i just want a damn couch and laptop. a cozy place to sit in my own living room and do my online whatnot without my computer being an ASSHOLE. GHAAA. why have these simple things seemed so difficult for me? am i really so stupid and lazy and inept? i managed fine before, on my own.

oh my fuck, you stupid computer, can't you just stop being an asshole long enough for me to finish one post...i wish y'all could see this, i barely even touch the screen and i get these ugly purple and turquoise stripes on the top half of the screen. only ugly because they are covering up what i'm trying to write. DAMNNESS!! *smack* aaaaaaand it's back to normal.

yeah, i have the feeling the screen is about to go.

i can't charge my zen micro now that my other laptop is dead, and this old one i'm on now, it's so ancient it still has Windows 95 on it. so forget installing anything on it, including my zen software. so i've whipped out all the old CD's that i've burned over the years.

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream, you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem, this mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what i told you, don't come around, i got my own hell to raise..."

hah, fiona apple. i haven't listened to her in forever. it's kinda nice. i feel so femenist and rebellious. rawr!

ooooh, and Interpol. i haven't listened to them in about a year. 'Obstacle 1' is a very awesome song, it never fails to put me in a mood. what kind of mood, though. i won't describe it, because fuck, i don't know, haha.

and this song...'Laid' by James. very good. i can listen to it over and over and over (etc) and not get sick of it. "dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me prettyyyyyyy...."

this post has become very stream-of-thought.

and long.

*sigh* ok, i'll spare y'all from more distractedness. and made up words like 'distractedness.' did i even make that up, or is that a real word?


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