Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Back to "How am I not myself?"

Yeah, I've talked about this before. I've had feelings that I am not myself. That I am playing the part in a movie that is not my life, sometimes that I'm watching someone that is not me playing a part in a movie that is not my life. But it is my life. And I like my life. It's frustrating and confusing.

I know I shouldn't be doing this. Self-diagnosing on the internet is always stupid. I keep googling mental symptoms in hopes that I can figure out what it is that's wrong with me. I have no idea what good labeling it will do, without seeing a doctor and possibly getting medication. I thought maybe I'd solve the mystery and feel some sort of...I don't know, this is stupid.

These are things I really don't like writing down. I hate seeing them and I hate that other people can see them, but I need that at the same time. It's either I tell my blog or I tell a doctor. Well, the blog is free...and not as intimidating.

So anyway, I googled my symptoms. Which are the following:
  • Fatigue
  • Cloudy/hazy/fuzzy thinking.
  • Periods of time when I feel nothing at all, and that nothing at all matters. Everything is pointless.
  • I lapse into vivid daydreams, yet can distinguish fantasy from reality. These daydreams sometimes feel so real that I am unaware of what is going on around me. I laugh or mouth words at times (but only when I am alone). Sometimes I shake myself out of it and I'm crying. This normally happens while alone in the car, sometimes while trying to fall asleep in bed. Times when I'm by myself with nothing for my brain to focus on.
  • I often feel as if I'm not myself, like I'm watching a movie starring Jenny the Idiot. I feel removed from my own life.
  • I often feel as if I'm waiting to wake up from a dream, all while I am awake and not dreaming or daydreaming.
I know I have depression, and I've been to a doctor before (albeit many years ago). It just seems like more than just that. Dr. Google also came up with depersonalization and maladaptive daydreaming. Do either of those really fit? It seems like it, but I'm the sort of person that googles "eye twitching" and convinces herself she has Parkinson's. If I dig deep enough, all of my symptoms eventually lead to cancer.

Did looking up all of this really help me? Hmm. It wasted a good hour of time at work. That's just fine.

I wonder if there is a term that describes obsessively trying to diagnose oneself with things via the internet.
Cyberchondria? Yeah, I need to stop now.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Crowds and My Monkey Hat

I went to an autumn festival yesterday with my family, my mom, and my brother's family. I get so excited for fall, but fucking hell, it was almost 90 degrees out. Sweating fucking mess. And the crowd was huge. I live just 10 minutes from where this goes on every year but didn't realize there is such a big turnout. It was like the entire town had turned into a parking lot (aside from all the main streets that were shut down and swarming with people).

Not going again. Figured it would be a relaxing day with the family, but I should have known it wouldn't be so relaxing for me, since we were leaving the beautiful comfort of our own house. I have this aversion to feeling like I'm always in the way. I hate being in someone's way, being a nuisance, an obstacle. And if I am in a crowd, I always always always feel that way. Blech.

BUT, I did pick up a superfantastic sock monkey hat.


BOOM!