Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Friday, September 30, 2005

confessions, and my fascinating life addicted to confessions. not confessing (although i have done that, also, as it is a good release) but other people's confessions. and there is a lot of those on Not Proud. i found this site months ago and have been reading it every few days ever since. sometimes for hours. it is that engrossing. some of them are trite. some of them are disturbing. some of them mirror my own life and problems. but they're all pretty interesting, enough that i'll think, "hmm, i think i'll read a few juicy confessions before i go to bed..," and before i know it, i look at the clock and it's 3am. it's comforting to know that other people have the same weird and pathetic feelings i do, that there are situations like my own where people feel just a hopeless and confused. and then there are the ones that are downright creepy, which actually makes me feel better about my own life.

hm...what else it up with the me. well, i still haven't found another job, have been sitting home all day, still have to worry about moving out in the near future, but, i dunno why, i've been feeling strangely euphoric and daydreamy. one would think that with all the problems i have (which, ok, i know i don't have nearly the amount of problems some people do), i would feel down and depressed. i do feel the weight on my back, but i also am starting to see a light ahead, and i don't even know what it is. but i feel it. i know this sounds cryptic, but deal with it. that's the jenny's way.

another thing. 'cereal'. say that world over and over, it starts to sound like 'surreal'. or maybe it's just me.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

aaaah. peace.

feeling very laid back, very calm. gonna watch a new show tonight (Night Stalker) and it better be good. my boat feels like it's stopped rocking at the moment and i can finally relax a litte...before i go over the waterfall (haha). well, since there is abso-tootly nothing really going on with me (that i care to blog about), i will whip out this blogthing. BOOM.

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
well...this is cool. i took this a few months ago and it told me i act 25. at least the number isn't getting smaller. what age do i look? probably 16. and that's just fine, people.

in other news, i've been adding a lot of new tunes to my radio blog, so check that out if you want. because really, it's better than the radio.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

virginia vs. washington

You Know You're From Virginia When...

Speed limits are just suggestions

You have at least two friends who have no idea what their relatives do...because its "top secret" government work

Most of your senior class wend to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA

When people ask where you're from, you tell them DC because its easier to explain

You've never told someone you're from Virginia without putting "northern," "central," or "southern" in front of it (See above.)

It's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.

You know yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through. (Yeah, least. Probably also happens everywhere else.) A red light means 2 more can.

You actually know what the black boxes at stoplights are for.

Despite the fact that Virginia fought for the south in the Civil War, you are not, under any circumstances, a "southerner"

You are amused by visiting relatives who are actually excited to see Washington, DC

You took a field trip to Williamsburg as a kid

You are amazed when you go out of town and the people at McDonalds speak English

You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag

An inch of snow and you miss 3 days of school

All the potholes just add a little excitement to your driving experience

Crown Victoria = undercover cop

Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as Metro, and only Metro.

They just tore down the old farm house across the street and put 12 new McMansions in its place

For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa

If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have three new names.

You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor

"Vacation" means spending a day at King's Dominion or Busch Gardens.

"Going to the River" means any stream with water.

You have never been served tea without the waitress asking "sweet or unsweetened?"

Your favorite past time is telling West Virginia jokes.

Anyone who can't trace his or her ancestry back to at least four generations in Virginia is an outsider.

"Going to the beach" means anywhere from Ocean City to Virginia Beach to Myrtle Beach.

~~~ alright, since i lived in WA for 13 years, exactly half my life, i can't leave it out...

You Know You're From Washington When...

You know the state flower (Mildew)

You feel guilty when you don't recycle.

You use the phrase "sun break" and know what it means.

You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. SADLY

You know more people who own boats than air conditioners. BOATING SLAYS MY DAY

You feel overdressed wearing a suit/dress to a nice restaurant. I FEEL OVERDRESSED WEARING A DRESS TO A WEDDING, HAHA

You've stood on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal. YUPS

You understand that if it has no snow or has not erupted, it is not a real mountain.

You can taste the difference between Starbuck's, Seattle's Best, Veneto's, Peet's, and Tully's. WELL...SOME OF THOSE...

You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

You consider swimming an indoor sport. NOT REALLY

You are well versed in the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food. ONLY CHINESE AND THAI

In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -- while only working eight-hour days.

You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." WTF, WHOEVER WROTE THIS, NOT ALL OF WA IS SEATTLE :(

You have no concept of humidity without precipitation. WELL, I DO NOW :(

You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on. BIRKS AND SOCKS, TOTALLY.

You've actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.

amish nightmare

my nightmares usually involve something like killers, men with machetes, the end of the world. i'll wake up sweating, out of breath and disoriented. well, i had a nightmare last night, and it had the same effect on me, yet it was about supermarkets and an amish dude...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was working at a the floors. i didn't like it (big surprise there). i went home, then the next day, i got a phone call. i could hardly understand the person on the other end, so for some reason i just assumed it was someone from the supermarket calling me in to work. i was like, "sure, ok." a little bit later, an amish dude came up to the house. apparently he had sold me a car the day before (HA, an amish car salesman, gawd) and he said that it was in the contract that since he sold the car to me, i had to marry him. we were standing in the front yard talking. i was trying to back slowly into the house so i could run in and lock the door. i was trying to tell him that's not the way things work, and i would just sell him the car back in that case, and he was like, "no, no, my mother has it all arranged."

:: end of dream sequence ::

at this point (5am), davey ran into my room with a bloody nose. as unpleasant as that is, i felt relieved. my son may be bleeding profusely from the face, but at least i don't have to marry some random amish dude in exchange for a car.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

i think

i found this funny Alanis Morissette lyric generator. it's sort of like mad libs, where it asks for nouns and people's names and whatnot, and then forms it into an angry, alanis-like song. here was mine:

"I Think"

I Think four wheelers are really a huge problem
I Think pickup trucks are too much on my mind
I Think odors have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?

Like a orange rain, beating down on me
Like a jim morrison line, which won't let go of my brain
Like ray liotta's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks

I Think nascar fans are gonna drive us all crazy
And trailers make me feel like a child
I Think hunters will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do? I said what can you do?

Like a orange rain, beating down on me
Like a jim morrison line, which won't let go of my brain
Like ray liotta's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks

Like a orange rain, beating down on me
Like ray liotta's smile, cruel and cold
Like jim morrison's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks
Blame it on rednecks

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

not going back

i called in sick to work today. why do i feel guilty, i'm planning on quitting! FUCK. i don't care whether or not they can find someone to work my shift. i don't care if they think i'm lying when i said i can't work like this. i can't. every time i think of that store now, my stomach hurts and i get nauseous. it's not that i'm lazy...ok, maybe i am a little bit, but not that lazy. i'm willing to work, it's just, i don't see the point in making myself sick over something that's not even making me enough money. there's no way i can move out with the skimpy hours and lousy pay i'm getting there. i'm ready to quit. i'm not going back.

when i hear, "jenny, now i want to stress the importance of attendance. if this becomes a problem..." i know they're trying to cover their asses but i hate it. the store SUCKS. i can't FUNCTION when my stomach is in KNOTS and i HATE being talked to like i'm 10 years old! things happen, people get sick, and i doubt he'd want me there if all i was doing was curling up in a ball in the break room and crying. i highly doubt i'd even be able to bring myself to leave my car if i tried going in today.

it's funny, i was thinking last night, "what's a good excuse to use if i decide to call in sick tomorrow, one where i'm not technically lying..." because i detest lies, they're yucky and they follow you around. well, at least now i have a real excuse...


i felt so normal before i started this job, i just want that back. i don't want to see a doctor, because the doctor will find something wrong. i don't want anything wrong. i know i sound naive, so spare me the criticism. i just want to be happy. i want sunshine, rainbows and butterflies again.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


i feel like i could start over. given i find a better paying job w/ more hours (i have my eye on one) and decent child care for davey, i'm sure i could find myself an apartment...around here *shudder* and live my quiet little life without constant worry of being booted out and living on the streets. it sounds so clear cut and simple. yes. yes, it does.

yet when i think about it...i mean picture's slightly terrifying. i don't like people. i don't like being alone. this is a dilemma. i know i have davey, so i'm not technically alone, and he's good company. but when it's just he and i, and especially when he's acting up, i feel more alone than when it's just me. maybe i'm mildly autophobic? i dunno.

ok, enough of my trite problems...

no, fuck it, i started bitching, i think i should finish.

worked today. i'm a cashier, so i was doing my cashiering and answering phones and miscellaneous other little whatnot. i don't like working, but normally i can deal. maybe today was just a bad day for me, though. i dunno. i hope it was a fluke. the store was somewhat busy, but not too bad. i, on the other hand, was flipping. i tried not to show it, but on the inside, i was wigging out. my heart sped up. i was breathing heavier. i could think of nothing but getting outside and having a cigarette. i had my cigarette, settled down a smidge, but the second i stepped back through the door, i was back to wigging.

WTF?? what's wrong with me, has my claustrophobia really gotten that bad? pacing around behind the register, i felt like a caged animal, for serious. i mean, i've had this phobia for as long as i can remember, but it's the only irrational fear that seems to be getting worse rather than fading away...or lessening. it's surpassed my fear of spiders. this scares me...dammit! now i have an irrational fear of my phobias! i'm phobaphobic.

ghaa, i think i just need a cigarette. and some coffee. and some tunes...

and $100,000,000.

well, i can't end yet another post on a sour note, so here's some awesomeness from exploding dog for your entertainment:

Friday, September 16, 2005

don't wanna go

so i'm about to go to work. i don't want to move. so i blog. HELP ME BLOG, I DON'T WANNA GO TO WORK, WHAAAAAAA. ok, that's not working. hm. i had a dream early this morning about hurricanes and my grandma...and i think there was some hamsters thrown in there. i don't remember, but for some reason i woke up with Unskinny Bop by Poison stuck in my head. WTF?? i am, dragging my feet when i should be getting ready for work. i feel like someone just beat me up and killed my dog. i don't even have a dog. but still. you know what i mean. it's not just work. it's life. but i won't get into that.

i feel like sitting here and writing sad cliched poetry about rainclouds and dead things, but i don't have time. so i guess i might just have to recite them to the customers at work.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


aaaaah, i have a job. good thing, too. i sorta missed the feeling of dread when i thought about going to work. not to mention the confusion of a bunch of customers asking me a bunch of crap that i don't know the answer to. oh, and i can't forget the pain in my feet after standing behind a register for eight hours.

ok, so i hate working. i hate the hours of this new job. i hate working in a town that i have no desire whatsoever to live in.

i hate hating things about my life. i want to be happy.

i know what could make me happy, too.


and some M&Ms. the kind with peanuts.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

random seriousness

i was in WA, in my parents' living room with davey. he was one then, walking wobbly, and his favorite show was still Bear in the Big Blue House on the disney channel, which we were watching. i wish he still watched that, now all he watches is the Making of: Jurassic Park, or the Star Wars: Behind the Scenes. there are no disturbing news flashes on the disney channel, though, so we were all relatively ignorant and blissful.

my parents were in the kitchen, drinking coffee, making breakfasts, talking. it was peaceful and so everyday. i think i might have still been in my pajamas.

my brother tore through the front door. "they're bombing us! the world trade center is gone! the pentagon is gone! aren't you watching the news?? turn on the news!" he is known to exaggerate, so no one was alarmed.

"but david's watching Bear..."

we flipped the channel, and...of all the times my brother has blown things out of proportion, i wish that time would've been one of them.

Friday, September 09, 2005

the jenny, is she still alive?

the jenny, she is alive.

a week without posting. one would think i had a life. well, one would be wrong. what's been happening with me? hmmm. i got a job at an office supply store, i guess i start sometime next week. i'm addicted to terragen. my zen micro still slays booty. my roots are growing out. blah blah blah...yada yada yada.

in other news...

ok, i don't listen to the rap, and i try not to comment on current events because normally i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about, buuuuut...
this song i found kinda groovy.

and i want this jacket:

Friday, September 02, 2005

i am dream ninja! boom!

after davey went to school this morning, i conked out again for a few hours (aaah, that felt nice) and had this dream:

:: jenny's dream sequence::

a mob guy that lived on my street kidnapped davey. he kept my mom and i and two other women locked in the empty master bedroom of one of the houses on the street. the windows overlooked all the backyards. it was halloween and there was a big corn maze out back with lots of kids running around in costumes. davey was dressed like a ghost. and he was having fun. my mom still had her cell phone and slipped into the bathroom to call someone. i wondered why they let her keep her cell phone.

i started describing all the physical pain i was going to inflict on the mob guy if i ever came face to face with him. the guy had two bodyguards, and apparently he didn't pay them or something, so they turned on him. they grabbed the guy and dragged him upstairs to me, holding his arms so he could hardly move. i beat the SHIT out of the guy. he was bloodied beyond recognition. i got davey back. it turned out this guy had a wife and a child of his own, but he left them, moved further down the street and started kidnapping children. i saw his wife on the news begging him to come back to her.

:: end of dream sequence ::

Thursday, September 01, 2005

beggin for a job

so i was around town today, beggin for work. i am a retail girl, so i swung around a bunch of book stores, office stores, music shops, video places and the like. man, i wish every store had their applicants apply online. it's much nicer filling out my life story while at the same time chatting and slurping down coffee. i mean, it would be nice to find a job that i could still do that while i work. but that's not what i've been applying for, so i need to shush.

y'know what i really hate? when i go into a store to talk to the manager about possible employment at their fine establishment (i think i'm choking on my own sarcasm!) and the bitch just looks me up and down and says, "whaddaya want." it didn't even sound like a question. actually it sounded somewhat like a gremlin, but that's aside from the point. in hindsight, i'm sure she was trying, with her amazing communication skills, to ask me what type of position i was looking for. but i don't think very clearly when i'm being stared into the ground by a 4 foot tall gremlin in khakis. so i say, "A JOB!"

she stared at me, as if i were insane, then asked me if i have sales and register experience, both of which were yes. when she asked me if i was looking for part of full time, i told her full time. her nose shot straight up into the air.

"we don't hire, full time. we hire part time and promote up to full time from within."

it was a very true and informative statement, but the way she said it, it might as well have been, "yer ugly and yer momma dresses ya funny." i hopped on outta there. i hate people sometimes. i dunno why it is that i always look for jobs that are way below my potential.

oh, wait. i almost forgot. it's because i'm lazy.