Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Sick Sad World

I am sick and it is fucking with my thoughts. I've got a chest cold (is that the same thing as bronchitis? I dunno, I never go to the doctor anymore), I'm losing my voice, and I have a weird itchy and painful rash that started on my arm, and was told by several people that it looked like shingles, it was acting just like shingles, but is now on both arms, hands, and is creeping up my goddamn neck and I am convinced my body has just decided to slowly self-destruct. I am at work, giving less of a shit than normal. Pretty much zero shit. If I were to stay home, I would still have to deal with being alive, but without the perk of being paid for it, so I decided not to call in sick. I'm hoping that I'm contagious.

Guess what? I'm going to bitch about everything, so if you don't want to hear it, quit reading and fuck off. It's that Everything Is Shit time of year. Out come all of the Christmas decorations and my full-blown depression. Traffic, greed, shitty weather, packed stores, religious nonsense, annoying commercials, bad movies, and Elf on the Goddamn Shelf. Somewhere deep down, I do like my own way. I just don't feel like digging that deep at the moment. Fuck It.

Monday, November 16, 2015

So sweepy. Can't function.

Holy hell, it's almost holiday time. I'm dragging. No energy for it. Or for anything. The thought of having to do anything, be it work or homework or dishes or family stuff or everything that surrounds the holidays (oh, fuck, the tree, the shopping), the thought just exhausts me. Just the thought. I want to sleep through it all.

I think I'm closing in on the bottom of my roller coaster ride this year.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Windows 10, writr, and alcoholic beverages.

So I just updated to Windows 10 the other day. I can't really decide whether I like it better than Window 7 (I never had 8, so this is a bigger change for me than for others). I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything. I poked around in the app store last night while I was at work, looking for journal apps. I found one called Writr that gives prompts to help get the words flowing. The first prompt that I actually found interesting enough to write something on was, "Describe your favorite alcoholic beverage." Simple enough. Yet not. I think I will post some (or all, I haven't decided) of the outcomes of said prompts here, since this really is my JOURNAL-journal.

Describe your favorite alcoholic beverage:

It's waiting for me after a trying day. I can't say I have one specific alcoholic drink that I can call my favorite, much in the same way I don't have a favorite song or favorite band. It is the right adult beverage at the right time. When I return home from work, it's the cold bottle of beer I pull from the fridge after changing into my pajamas. When it's game night with my family, it is a potent rum and coke that loosens the laughter from my belly. On vacation, it is whatever tropical pink or red relaxing concoction with a memorably unique name that strikes my fancy. Sometimes it's wine. It's not often wine, but there are those times that only a chilled glass (or bottle) of wine will do. Red or white, with pasta at dinner or while watching a sad or romantic French movie, reading the blurred English subtitles through my stupid blubbery tears. It's the Malibu Rum in my hot cocoa that warms me while watching a snowstorm. The whiskey that dulls my senses when I feel I could lose my mind completely to depression, slowly becoming inebriated while listening to The Smiths or Tom Waits and typing out poem after drunken poem, channeling what feels at the time to be my inner Bukowski (but which is revealed to be a thirty-something's equivalent to teen angst once I'm sober). I've got an intimate relationship with alcohol, and I'm sure I've got new favorites out there yet to pass my lips, just waiting for the perfect situation to introduce itself.


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Things to be happy about

  1. The family and I are going to the beach in a couple days. And I plan to have a splendid time and drink at every restaurant we eat at. Because vacation.
  2. When we get home from vacation, we are finally getting a cat. A CAT! HOLY HELL YESSSSS. SO MUCH FUZZY ADORABLES, I JUST CANNOT WAIT.
  3. My house is cleaner than it's ever been. So once we adopt said cat, there will now be zero chance of losing it amidst our rubbish. (Listen to me. Rubbish. That sounds so fancy and British).
  4. My hip pain is gone. I can RUN. I can DANCE. But right now I choose to laze on the sofa.
  5. My son's arthritis pain is finally under control. A kid his age should not have to live with constant pain. So, now HE can RUN. And DANCE. But right now he chooses to sit in front of his computer all day. Like mother, like son. Pfft.
  6. Badass air conditioning in the living room. It is the middle of summer and my toes are numb. I approve.
  7. Finally doing something about building actual credit. I am starting to suspect that I may, actually, be a grown-up. Possibly.
  8. My aunt's cancer has shrunk. I have no cutesy smartass comment to add to this, just genuine happiness. I love her and want her to stick around. And now it appears she will.
  9. My parents are healthy and awesome.
  10. My kids are healthy and awesome.
  11. My Charlie is healthy and awesome. Really awesome. How he deals with my moody self every damn day is beyond me. But he's done it for 9 1/2 years with no visible signs of being completely sick of me yet (keeping fingers crossed), so thank you, Cha Cha, I love you. I know I'm a pain in the ass, but we both are. Remember that.
  12. This is the first time I've written something in a long while that isn't depressing or drunken incoherent babbling. I'm writing this SOBER. Point for Jenny!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Drunk Epiphany

Sometimes I'm drunk and feel things that shouldn't be real. I'm okay with that.  I own a fragile human brain. Maybe it doesn't work the way it should. Maybe it does. I don't know what's real at the moment. I know I feel very good and feel things deeply. I know that once I read this sober, I will be bewildered and possibly embarrassed. Fuck sober Jenny. I know everything.  I'm completely powerless, but I know. I feel like I've tapped into some sort of collective consciousness. I don't want to sober up and laugh off my naivety.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

vivid dreams
wake up
great morning
super imagination
get bored
get irritated
sink down
hate everything
feel numb

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Selfish. And bored. And eating soup.

I can't seem to be overly passionate about issues. I have opinions, sure. I just don't have the energy or care enough about something to argue about them tirelessly with other people online, as I see friends of mine doing constantly on Facebook. Maybe I'm selfish. Yeah, I probably am. I like to conserve my energy. Think about things that don't piss me off. Not talk to other human beings so often. That sort of thing.

I don't even want to be someone who argues an issue. I can't stand being in a conversation with someone who's going on and on about something when I'm just trying to chill and muck about in my own life. Maybe I just haven't found the right issue. I dunno. It's not as if I don't want the world to be a better place. But I want my world to be a better place, and that involves everyone shutting the hell up.

Yeah, I'm selfish. I've gotten to the point where admitting to that doesn't even make me feel ashamed. I'm a good person, on the whole, dammit. I'm just a very jaded, indifferent good person. Who can't stand 99% of the human race.

I'm bored. Now that's out of my head (I've just gone blank-eyed staring at all the well-meaning but mind-numbing debate via Facebook comments), I have nothing. Is this something wrong with me? I used to feel that my mind was this endless abyss full of dark and delicious thoughts, repressed dreams coming unearthed at odd moments, sending me into a spin of emotion. I was a small vessel containing infinite universes. Now my head sometimes feels like so much wasted space. Blank. Dead. I can't believe I've had enough words floating around in there to write this much.

But, I suppose that's all.

Friday, January 09, 2015


My world is so incredibly tiny. I normally stay within the same three towns, doing the same things, in the same places, with the same people. My mind is rarely forced to deal with new experiences. I don't know what to do about that. So I keep running on my wheel, in my cage, making half-assed plans for the day when I finally have the nerve to break out and explore. I don't know other people. I hardly know myself. I know my role, but that feels like a small part of a bigger picture. I'm untapped potential. I need to expand (not physically, I'm working on contracting in that regard).

It's January. I always get so optimistic this time of year. Like I will Change Everything. And I can, I totally have the power to change myself for the better. Eventually, it always feels like the top of the roller coaster. I am at a high point where I can see everything clearly. It's somewhere around the end of summer when I start to feel that this is just the same stupid loop every year and that I'll be climbing back up to that same high point every January, only to plummet into lows and be jerked around until it starts all over again. And then again. And then again.

I need to change my roller coaster. I want a new ride every year. I want more high points. I want water splashed on me and see wild animals and fire and lasers. Dammit.