Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

i violated my own privacy

there comes a point where i have to draw the line on what i do and do not post. this is not meant to be my ultra private diary. if it was, obviously, you wouldn't be reading it. besides, that's what my poetry is for.

i deleted a post (GASP) earlier this morning. it's not the first time. it won't be the last, i'm sure. i become blabbermouth when i start typing. for some reason, everything wants to come out. and y'know what? not everything needs to be known. a girl needs a little mystery about her, people!

i've had it out with a friend of mine about deleting posts. she feels that everything we write in our blogs, whether or not we feel the same way later, whether or not it's whiney or trite or downright bullshit, is part of our cognitive maps. it's the truth. there is no erasing the truth.

well, fuck it, i just did. how ya like that.

so even though, if said friend reads this, she'll probably accuse me of burying the truth and "just telling the white man's version," i do not feel bad. i mean, sure, i don't mind reading other blogs with other people's ultra personal thoughts, but this is my blog. MINE! i don't care about blogging "rules." WHAT RULES?? i read blogs arguing both sides of this, but y'know what i have to say? huh? WHATEVAH, I DO WHAT I WANT!

if you want, you are free to peruse my poetry on my other blog and try to decipher my feelings from them. good luck with that. i even have a hard time figuring out what i mean sometimes.

i will condense the deleted post down to what i really wanted to say: i have a cold, i feel miserable, and why the fuck am i singing the Three's Company theme song...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


last night's dreams were extremely vivid. i wrote them down immediately so i wouldn't forget them, but the funny thing is, i don't think they would have faded too quickly, anyhow. i mean, i can close my eyes and still picture them perfectly. perfectly.

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was out at this gas station/used car lot that looked a lot like a Sheetz but twice as big. it was late evening and i was there with my brother. he was trying to talk down the price of an old school bus. apparently i was really interested in buying one.

next dream. i had just been hired on with a landscaping company, along with this really airheaded teenage boy. we were both supposed to be working laying grass seed down at some guy's house. i was to do the backyard, and he was to do the front yard. when i finished in the back, i came around front to see if the doofus was almost done. i rounded the corner and he sprayed me with the hose, trying to be funny. then i noticed that instead of grass seed, he had laid down Legos and little plastic toys. i was like, "NO!!" and ran around gathering them up before the boss saw.

:: end of dream sequence ::

Monday, August 29, 2005

i've got graphite in my pinky.

it's strange to me to will probably be there forever. one stupid incident in college 5 years ago, a flying pencil, and now look. i've got a piece of that moment embedded in my skin forever. it's like a tattoo to mark a most insignificant event. it will be there when i'm 80. what will i tell my grandchildren about it? i doubt they will care, but i will tell them the story anyway, with the 8x10 color glossy photographs with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one. i will tell it in four-part harmony.

"yes, it was midday in the CBC hub. i was sitting on the floor with none other than the famed artist, Mandy. she was different in those days, she associated with the little people. when whaddaya know, here comes -- ok, this was back in the day before everything was digital and technological --a pencil. a mechanical one. i know, i know, it seems so archaic. it came flying at me that-a way, wrapped itself around a yield sign. wait, no, that's not my story. what it did do was stick me in the pinky. that, children, is why pencils have been banned in 47 states. think of that when you're tapping around on your fancy computers."

talk about anticlimactic.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

oh my dreams, it's never quite as it seems...

i was full of the dreams last night. weird ones, which i know reflect the way i'm feeling because it's obvious, but then there were ones that...completely make no sense. here's the snippets, that i can remember, from the ones that make no sense:

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was dana scully, FBI agent from the x-files. i had followed this guy to a hotel where i watched him make out with an older businessman. i was going to arrest him for gay prostitution. so after he left the hotel, i followed him to a church, but inside it turned out to be a movie theater, but people were in there praying. i waited out in my car and caught him on the way out. then for some reason i drove him to his house to get a change of clothes. i let the guy go in alone, but he ran straight through the house, to the back door and out to his car parked in the back. somehow i knew he would do this and i was waiting for him by his car, and then i handcuffed him.

different dream (possibly) i was in a big shower (not mine) and looked down to see these things that resembled giant tapeworms swimming around my feet. this is actually all i remember.

:: end of dream sequence ::

Friday, August 26, 2005

i slay da birfday

so i'm 26 now. the birthday rocked. got a zen micro from my parents. that was very awesome of them, considering the cost of it. i normally don't expect a whole lot, but...i've been wanting that bad boy for months. it's got the capacity to hold more songs than i can even dream of loading onto it, at least for awhile. plus it's got FM radio/radio recorder, voice recorder, and organizer. and a friggin mezmerizing blue backlight. all that and it's smaller than a pack of cigarettes. very cool.

went to Ruby Tuedays for dinner. medium rare steak. shrimpies. coffee. so good. davey didn't even throw any fits about eating his dinner. i consider that my birthday present from him. that and he made me a card and sang to me.

and my brother even mumbled out a "happy birthday" as he walked past my room. hey, that's more than i expected.

at about 11ish last night, i realized i didn't get to blow out any candles and make a birthday wish, seeing as how everyone had to waddle home from Ruby Tuesdays and had no room for cake. so i popped a candle on that mofo, sang happy birthday to myself, made my damn wish and blew out the candle.

i'm not telling what i wished for. it's a rule. if you tell, you don't get your wish. so nyaa.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

happy birthday to me

i'll write more when i'm not busy playing with my badass zen micro.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

he's gone...and back

he's there. now. my baby's at school. i feel sick. i didn't cry. i hope he remembers his milk money. i hope he doesn't forget his lunchbox on the bus. i hope i calm the hell down.


i'll update this when he gets home. right now...i must go pace and chain smoke.

:: UPDATE ::

whew, first day over, and he still likes it enough to want to go back. YAY. though i stood at the corner for about 45 minutes freaking out when the bus didn't show up when i expected it to. but that's what you get when trying to drop off that many kindergarteners, and on the first day. the kids were probably confused, plus the driver had a list of their names and wouldn't let them get off the bus until they verified that one of the adults standing out there was their parent. which is great, since my main concern was whether davey would get off at the right stop.

all in all, things worked out great. he brought me home a wicked awesome picture that he colored and i made him some badass brownies.

and we get to do it all again tomorrow.


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

davey. school. tomorrow.

i remember waiting at the bus stop my first day of school. my parents taking pictures. my brand new clothes. the TERROR. aw, gawd was i terrified. anything new frightened me.

davey is starting kindergarten tomorrow. the bus will pick him up in the morning, i'll be there taking pictures. he's got his brand new school clothes and spiderman backpack. his fresh school supplies. i'll have his lunch packed. first day of school, again i'm terrified.

davey, however, is not.

i took him to orientation last evening. i get uneasy around new people, so i figured davey might be the same. i thought there would be a scene. he wouldn't want to go off alone with his teacher and other kids to tour the classroom and take a test ride on the schoolbus.

the only scene he made was when it was time to leave. when it came time to go get the kids, the children were instructed to look for their parents. if they didn't see them, then they were to stay where they are and wait. davey...did not even look for me. i was crushed. he sat there and chatted up his teacher. the neighbor girl spotted me, however, and shouted "DAVID'S MOM!" and ran over to me. davey didn't even look up. all these kids seemed so relieved to see their parents and i was deserted for the teacher. *sigh*

when the room started to clear, i made my way over to davey, took his hand and asked him how the bus ride was. "I WANNA HAVE A PUPPET SHOW" i asked him if liked his teacher. "I WANNA PLAY BASKETBALL" i told him it was time to go home.


my son is not shy, as i was. he is not timid about talking to new people. he will make friends. he will be a joiner. all this is new to me, because i was the opposite. school was a scary place for me, full of strangers and opportunity for embarrassment. for davey, it's a freaking playground with a bunch of new friends and full of opportunity for good times. i wish i was like that when i was his age. but i'm happy he's so social. it makes things that much easier.

but DAMMIT, he didn't even look for me.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

four dreams

i'm not sure, but i think i remembered four of my dreams last night. not each dream in it's entirety, but snippets from each one. so here there are...

::jenny's dream sequence::

1. working at hastings, but they were going out of business so the stock was almost gone and there were crowds of people fighting over things. adria felt a ghost presence and freaked out, took her into backroom and she talked about a dead black lady that was standing over her, so we all talked to it. attached to the backroom was a holding room for shoplifters and it was full of mexican families for some reason. they hadn't even shoplifted, so i didn't know why they were there. there were armed security guards everywhere, though.

2. new grocery store, my mom and i were getting a tour before it opened, and the guy was showing us the self checkout stand, like it was some brand new thing. but for some reason he told my mom that no one was allowed to checkout diet foods or diet soda through this line.

3. daniel playing guitar...but in my kitchen...which really wasn't even my kitchen because i didn't recognize it but in the dream it was mine because my mom was in the other room. and for some reason there were those little toys you win a the fair or at amusement parks laying all over the place.

4. cops looking for a murderer in the woods, so i go out for a walk down this little path...through the woods and see this dude wearing a suit and tie, but holding a cardboard shield and sword covered in foil. he was just lurking in the shadows, he wasn't trying to attack anyone.

::end of dream sequence::

and here are those dreams interpreted by my dream dictionary. i understand that this book it 90% bullshit (or more), but i think it's fun, so nyaa...
  • working at a store: you are in for a stroke of money luck
  • ghost: if you don't run from the ghost, business and love will go well
  • market/store: you could soon be falling in love; a few other pleasant surprises are just around the corner.
  • guitar: hear someone else play it and your problems will come to a quick conclusion
  • kitchen: there will be happiness in the family
  • amusement (park): satisfaction is coming your way
  • toys: new developments are on the horizon
  • forest: one of your pet projects will be a success
  • path: if it's narrow, you are in for some kind of stuggle

Monday, August 15, 2005

davey, under the needle

i took davey to get his "last" immunization today to get into school. it was only supposed to be one shot, according to the school nurse. so i prepared him, told him he was a big boy and, in the words of The Cure, "boys don't cry."

ok, i didn't say that, i just said "suck it up and don't be a pussy."

no, ok, i didn't say that either.

but he did seem to be pretty confident about the whole ordeal when we got to the doctor's office. he chatted up the nurse, flirted and whatnot. good times. the nurse left the room for...about a half a frickin hour. davey saw a picture of snow white on the wall and called it, "snow white and the seven torturists." my son is warped.

then the nurse came back to inform me that not only did davey need his MMR immunization, he had gotten two other shots too early in WA, and needed both of those, also, for entrance into school.

davey started to look worried.

but really, all i heard from him the whole time was one half-hearted, "ow," and that was it. and since i take davey to the ghetto doctor for the broke-ass poor, instead of having to pay $200, i only had to pay $20. YEE HAW. that's more money for crack! (jk)

went to the school to give the paperwork to the school nurse, and found out davey will be in the same class as the neighbor girl, which is unbelievably awesome. i know i didn't know anyone when i started kindergarten, so maybe now for him it won't be as terrifying.

i just hope he doesn't do his stand-around-nakies-and-talk-about-band-aids trick when he gets there.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

lots of good randomness

my writer's block has been cured! YAY! by incense!

i know, it sounds weird. but no lie, not five minutes after i lit my stick of "sweet dreams" incense, i was typing out poem after poem. after over a week of staring at the blank screen in turmoil, i have my emotional outlet back. the weight has lifted. really, after the second poem, i felt as if i'd lost 20 pounds. i posted a couple of them on my poetry blog, so go on over sometime if you're at all interested.

i have this oracle book that i like to whip on out (for entertainment) and ask questions. it's called The Oracle Book: Answers to Life's Questions by Georgia Routsis Savos. normally it's full of shit (i assume) but it's rather fun to ask it random whatnot and see it's vague answers. there is an "answer" on every page, and what one is supposed to do, is concentrate very hard on a question, flip through the pages with one's eyes closed, and then just sort of stop on whatever page feels right. or to quote from the book's instructions, "somehow, the page with the 'right' answer just beckons you to stop."

so here goes. i will ask my very important questions, and see what answer beckons.

Q: should i take up Pilates again?
A: you've already learned your lesson.
**HA! this is so true. if you want to read about my misadventure in pilates, click HERE.

Q: should i make more coffee?
A: it will nourish your soul.
**this a genius...

Q: will i write a bestselling novel in my lifetime?
A: you'll be admired for your actions.
**but what if i don't, does that mean i'll be admired for NOT writing one? maybe the world will admire me for not wasting their time reading my crap! HA!

Q: should i keep putting my hair in pigtails?
A: meditate about it tonight.
**ooooh, yes, this is actually exactly what i planned on doing tonight anyway. sit around and meditate about my pigtails. NYAA.

Q: should i eat the rest of these M&Ms?
A: my, you're feeling ambitious.
**this a smartass.

on a completely different note, go over to Daniel's blog and wish him a happy birthday. his is one of my favorite blogs and, i can honestly say, he's one of my favorite people. so GO! NOW! read his blog! spread some freakin' birthday cheer! BOOM!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

jenny downer

**WARNING: this post is not entertaining. it is boring and pathetic**

i feel so bland lately. i'm not sure why, i mean, my situation here hasn't much changed. i still don't have a job, i still don't have a direction. i don't even know what direction i want to go and that's a little unsettling. i feel like i'm not doing enough for davey because my energy level is like ZERO lately. sure, i'll take him outside, i'll take him shopping and i'll play star wars with him, but it never feels like enough. it feels like i should be doing so much more.

it doesn't help that i feel so oppressed here. weighed down. i wake up in the morning and hear arguing. i have a family member that likes to call me a loser and an idiot whenever he sees that my guard is down. i hate that. why do people have to rip others down in order to build themselves up? it's never made any sense to me. and as little attention as i try to pay to my brother, those little comments day after day do have an effect on me. i dunno if i actually start to believe it, since i still think i SLAY, but...i don't like the fact that the people around me feel so negative about my presence in this house.

it just brings me down.

add all this to the fact that my ONE FREAKING EMOTIONAL OUTLET, my poetry, has stopped. the creative flow has been dammed by my numbness and i really dunno what i can do about it. i still FEEL all the emotions that i've been writing about, but none of them want to come through in words. i tense up when i see the blank screen. it's easy enough to type this, sit and whine about my life, my problems (sorry about that, but remember, it IS my fucking blog after all), but to condense these feelings down and make them sound pretty...i can't, i just can't.

davey's starting school around the end of the month. that's a little frightening for me. i know he's growing up, but i'm freaked out about just sticking my baby on a bus and sending him to a bunch of strangers. i know. parents go through this. it will be alright. it's just that it's never happened to me, so it's a little scary. i think i'm more nervous than davey. i almost cried when i took him to buy his backpack and school supplies. how retarded is that. i was like, "crayons... *sniffle* ...elmer's glue... *choke* ...backpack... *WHAAAAAAAA*" haha. yeah, people, i'm a freak.

i know, it sucks reading about my problems. not very entertaining, but as long as the poetry in my head is on strike, whining is the only relief i get.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

my dream...fragmented.

i woke up this morning remembering absolutely nothing from last night's dream. i went through my morning whatnot, smoked, drank a few cups of coffee, checked email and whatnot. when i went to go change DVDs for davey (from Star Wars Bonus Material to a Godzilla cartoon, though i really don't think the specifics matter), BOOM! it hit me. i got a flash of trying on clothes.

i had been awake for over an hour, and slowly the images strarted trickling back into my consciousness. so here's all that i've remembered so far:
  • trying on clothes at some expenisive store. there was this formal dress that had cool celestial print material, one had like thunder streaks on it but i thought it looked wicked.
  • playing Monopoly
  • wearing a shoulder length blonde wig
  • running from the police, hiding up a tree
ooh, this is gonna be real fun if all these things end up being connected and in the same dream. haha

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

just random stuff

Yahoo Messenger w/ Voice...versus Skype.
Yahoo! = suck
Skype = YAY

seriously, i download Yahoo! Messenger w/ Voice, and not ONLY does it seem to slow my computer down more than the other version i had before, the sound is horrible. it can't be just my computer, because i never had that issue using Skype. i dunno if maybe i did something wrong, but i really don't think so. the sound just kind of stuttered, and after closing EVERY OTHER APPLICATION i had running at the time, it wasn't much better. so fuck you Yahoo! right in the ear.

"caffeine" is now my new favorite strong bad e-mail on homestar runner.

it reminds me of this time when i drank some of the stongest coffee ever over at my friend's boyfriend's house. he didn't know how to make coffee but i was about to pass out from staying up all night, so he made this wicked brew for me. i ended up drinking the entire pot. it took about a half hour to kick in, but after that i could not stop moving. i couldn't focus on thought, i couldn't stop shaking my head and hands. it was insane. my brother had to end up picking me up, he and his girlfriend accused me of taking speed.

but anyways, go watch the video, because strong sad is the MAN, haha.

via myspace, i've discovered a new band i like: the hazzards. they describe themselves as "New York's baddest two-girl ukulele band." i just might end up buying their CD. maybe, unless i happen to find the songs *ahem* elsewhere. anyways, here's a video for their song Shut Up & Make Out, it's uber cute if you like watching people make out with air. and each other. plus the song is hilarious, IMO.

stupid dream

so i woke up this morning in the weirdest mood. i expected to see a bunch of people in my room making a huge mess. i had one of those dreams that's hard to snap out of. and here it is.

::jenny's dream sequence::

there was a lot of family over. everyone was trying to wake me up but i just couldn't. i looked around my bedroom and i had mountains of trash, junk, and broken electronics piled everywhere. it was a disgusting junkyard. davey and some of my cousins were in on my floor watching TV. i realized i was sleeping naked and had to convince them to leave the room before i got out of bed.

flash forward to the car. were were all driving somewhere long distance. maybe iowa? i really dunno. but we were all in our own cars, so there was a trail of maybe 12 cars or so following each other. i had a friend of mine from WA with me (who i call 'horsefuckah'), which actually didn't seem so weird because VA and WA had melded together into one place.

we stopped in some parking lot to stretch, and my brother pushed me outta my car and said he was gonna drive, and that i could go drive his minivan. his death-metal-redneck buddy was with him, and they just took off with davey and horsefuckah still in the backseat. i got all pissed off and got into my brother's minivan and followed them.

everyone started pulling over, as if they heard a siren or something, but i couldn't hear or see anything of the sort. i couldn't find a place to pull over, either, so i had to keep going all slow. my asshole brother's voice came barking through a CB radio on the floor, "pull over or speed up, idiot, whaddaya think you're doing?" i saw my car in front of me, my brother had pulled over also. i was confused. i watched horsefuckah jump outta the car and run to a house across the road. WTF...

apparently we never made it to where we were going, because all the sudden we were all back at home. i asked WTF happened to horsefuckah, and my brother told me he went to go visit my friend, princess. then i went down in the basement and got this really old black and white TV/radio, took it upstairs to my room to fix it. then i watched sesame street.

::end of dream sequence::

this was all dreamt this morning between 10-11am. davey was trying desperately to wake me up so i could find his spiderman game, i heard that. but it seemed as if i was awake enough to talk to him, but still sleeping and still seeing the mountains of junk everywhere. is that even possible? so weird.

and BTW, 'horsefuckah' isn't disguising the dude's name, that's what i actually called him. why the fuck was he in my dream, though? that i'll never know.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

'origin of love' video

i just found the cutest little cartoon video for the song 'Origin of Love' from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. if you wanna see it, because it is a rather awesome song and tells a very cool story, CLICK HERE. and if you don't wanna see it, you suck.

the playground of death

**warning: mommy post**

i took davey to the playground today. it's one of those huge wooden jungle gyms with little mazes and bridges and whatnot. but what i noticed today disgusted me. while davey was crossing one of the pint sized bridges, i saw that a few of the boards on the sides seemed to be missing, which is all well and good for davey, because he's old enough where i'm not worried that he'd fall through. i mean, he's just too big. but i had a short daymare of a toddler slipping through and falling to it's death.

what i didn't know was that the boards weren't missing at all. they were laying on the ground, below the bridge, with exposed nails pointing up, waiting to kabob the toddler in my daymare. this is a problem. if davey is anything like me, he is attracted to shiny things. so i made him play on the little kids' jungle gym across the park, where all is plastic and smooth and the ground is padded. like walking on a sponge. the world should be lined with that shit, i'm serious.

there's another thing that bothered me about my playground excursion today. the other parents. i try to keep to myself. i am not the social mommy that plays with everyone else's kids. i stick to keeping an eye on davey and that's it. those other kids must fend for themselves. when the other parents see that their children are playing with my son, it is NOT ok to leave the area and assume i'll watch the whole lot of them. i don't care what their children do. i don't care if their children run into the woods never to return. i hope they know this. plus it is not ok for them to assume parenting roles for davey when i am standing right there. i don't care how incapable i may look, i can handle it. just let me sober up and put down my crack pipe. HA (yes, that was a joke)

Saturday, August 06, 2005

BLAH i say! BLAH!

ugh. cleaning day. laundry day. everyone's already bitching and arguing with each other. i found out i still can't fit back into my old clothes even though i've lost close to 30 lbs since april, what the shit is up with that?! i guess i'll just have to lose 30 more? YUCKS! well, i had to vent somewhere, i know this isn't the best post, but it's my fucking blog and WHATEVAH! I DO WHAT I WANT! i guess the upside is i have lost 2 more pounds this week, it seems to be slowly dropping. doesn't really feel like it, though, but i guess the scales don't lie. must be all those hot dogs and sausage biscuits. HA! life will be good when my hair grows back out and i can fit into my old levi's. i guess a job and a place to live should be in there, too, haha. OH FUCK, I'M A MESS. NYAAAA.

what i need is a break from life. what i need is to go to the zoo and see some badass giraffes. i was told that sometimes they spit on you. how exciting! haha. i was reading lewie's blog, though, and saw his post about going to the DC zoo, saw all the awesome pics and got jealous when i saw the pics of the giraffes.

here is what i need right now:
  • longer hair
  • less weight
  • a job
  • a place to live that isn't overrun with rednecks
  • a life (HAHA)
  • giraffes
  • a zen micro
  • chinese food

is this so much to ask??

Friday, August 05, 2005

new car, cosmic forces

so i got another car. a red '88 chevy beretta. it's UBER CUTE and drives perfect. the last one i bought had so many problems with it i ended up selling it back to the dealer. which is fine by me, as it never really felt like my car in the first place. i knew there was crap wrong with it, and that made me not trust it. as soon as it started puttering on the freeway, i lost faith in the buick. the moment i saw this new car (well, used, haha), however, i knew it was mine. before i even test drove it, it was mine. that's the way fate works, i guess.

the first song that played when i turned on the car radio was by Jimmy Eat World, which is my favorite band. i took it as a sign. silly? maybe. i'm silly, and, at times, overly optimistic. i take lots of weird little things as signs all the time. but get this...i was whistling a Sublime song in the dealer's office while filling out the paperwork and whatnot, and what do you think i heard as soon as i got in the car to drive it home? no. not the Bee Gees. it was the Sublime song. boo ya! that car is MINE.

life is full of signs. dreams, coincidences, those random thoughts that pop into your head that make you wonder WTF, why did i just think that...i believe they are little messages, maybe from whatever higher power there may be, helping us figure out what the hell we're doing here. i'm not a christian, i don't believe in religion, so i don't see this as "god," but who's to say. i don't rule anything out. maybe it's aliens. who knows.

like, i got this weird thought while driving to strasburg the other day. the thought was simply "mohawk". WTF?? i had no reason to think that, but later on, when coming back home, i saw a teenager cross the street with a mohawk. he crossed right in front of me. i should've been angry, like, "stupid teenager, why don't you look where you're going, do you think you're invincible?" but instead, all i could think was, "mohawk." maybe, had the mohawk not caught my attention because of my previous random thought, i might have run him over.

i think about these things a lot. for the longest time, i felt like i was shut off from the world. not the people, but the workings of the world behind the scenes. the stuff you don't see. i felt alone, not in the social sense, but the spiritual sense. now...i dunno, i sense that there's more to everything, like there's some sort of cosmic forces at work. sure, it might seem silly, but so does every religion i've ever heard of. so nyaaaa.

man, i'm in a weird mood.

Monday, August 01, 2005

viva la butt rock

for the past couple weeks, i've been listening to a new radio station (well, not new, but new to me since i just discovered that this place actually has a decent rock station) that plays a lot of what my brother calls "butt rock." this is the 80's and early 90's hair bands that i used to listen to in junior high.

now, as much as i resisted listening to this music ever since i discovered grunge when i was 13,'s like i'm going through the phase all over again. of course, these bands don't seem as cool now, and i can most definitely recognize the cheesiness in their lyrics and images, but i know all the words to all the songs. this was my music from the period of my life when i was just starting to define my musical tastes. rock. this was when i first starting buying my own cassettes instead of listening to my older brothers' music.

take guns 'n' roses, for example. i listened to them incessantly when i was in...say, the 5th grade. i was a tiny nerdy little girl jamming out to Welcome to Jungle on the school bus. i was still wearing glittery pink shirts with unicorns or some shit on it, pink minnie mouse glasses (with bifocals), neon pink scrunchies in my hair, and *shuddering with disgust* a fanny pack. the female equivalent to Napoleon Dynamite? maybe. but i was ROCK inside, maaaan. i would sit alone in the back of the school bus, listening to my walkman, quietly mouthing, "Welcome to the jungle, feel my, my, my serpentine, I, I wanna hear you scream."

my favorite band in 6th grade was Poison. i say this now, a little ashamed, sure, but at the same time, as i type this, i'm downloading Nuthin But a Good Time. i can still watch their music videos and act them out. i don't, but i can. it takes me back to the good old days, where i was ignorant to the fact that men shouldn't wear makeup and smell like Aqua Net. back when i didn't know that C.C.'s voice sounded like a gremlin taking a shit. i had a VHS tape of their videos and i watched it til i wore it out. this was before i had MTV. that didn't come til later, til i was 13 and being introduced to the wonder that was Nirvana.

there were a slew of these bands that i couldn't get enough of, like Whitesnake, White Lion, Slaughter, Warrant, Firehouse, Skid Row, Scorpions (i actually never stopped listening to them), Motley Crue, Ratt, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Extreme, Nelson, Mr. Big, the list could go on for miles. i'm not saying this is my favorite genre of music now, far from it. it's just stuff i can sing along with and giggle to myself, remembering how idiotic and brilliant the whole scene was. remembering my transition from from little girl to rock bitch. from pink glitter sweaters to black band t-shirts. from purple pants to ripped jeans.

from little nerd to... um... bigger nerd.