Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Friday, January 09, 2015


My world is so incredibly tiny. I normally stay within the same three towns, doing the same things, in the same places, with the same people. My mind is rarely forced to deal with new experiences. I don't know what to do about that. So I keep running on my wheel, in my cage, making half-assed plans for the day when I finally have the nerve to break out and explore. I don't know other people. I hardly know myself. I know my role, but that feels like a small part of a bigger picture. I'm untapped potential. I need to expand (not physically, I'm working on contracting in that regard).

It's January. I always get so optimistic this time of year. Like I will Change Everything. And I can, I totally have the power to change myself for the better. Eventually, it always feels like the top of the roller coaster. I am at a high point where I can see everything clearly. It's somewhere around the end of summer when I start to feel that this is just the same stupid loop every year and that I'll be climbing back up to that same high point every January, only to plummet into lows and be jerked around until it starts all over again. And then again. And then again.

I need to change my roller coaster. I want a new ride every year. I want more high points. I want water splashed on me and see wild animals and fire and lasers. Dammit.