Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Monday, October 05, 2009

rotten mood

whaaat is going on with me, i can't focus on anything and i'm constantly irritated unless i'm drinking. i don't get out and do enough, but when i'm off work, i'll make any excuse not to go out and do something. i'm paranoid about driving because i need to get my car inspected and i've already been ticketed once for it. everytime i get the time to do that, i either don't have the money or the place is closed (i need to go to the place that originally did my inspection -- which is like an hour away, but i know any other place will fail it, and i can't afford to get my brakes totally fixed right now).

it's october, the weather is beautiful and i feel this antsy feeling when i'm just sitting around, like i'm a caged animal. charlie is normally at work all day (on my days off). i want to get out of the house, but then getting all of us ready (lucy, david and myself) is normally a pain in the ass and just doesn't seem worth it since i don't have money to do anything other than go to the park and last time i was there the gnats were so thick, i was inhaling them. plus not every place i feel like going is kid friendly.

i need more adult company. charlie and i don't get out enough, just the two of us. i only see mandy once in awhile, and then the neighbor across the street chitchats me when i go check the mail. other than that and family, i've got nonstop baby-crying and children's programming and toys that play the same song over and over and mom-look-at-this and mom-can-i-?? it's part of being a mother, so just suck it up and deal with it. if that's all the advice i get from people, who do i even have to talk to anymore. aaaaurgh.

want to cry and scream and pull my hair out and drink and start smoking again and throw things and eat an entire tub of ice cream and kick people in the eye just for looking at me funny. dammit dammit dammit.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

these people are damn assholes

i work at a hotel. i'm there right now, actually. it would be a great job if i could avoid all contact with the customers. i like the work, i like all of my coworkers, i'm treated well and, though it doesn't pay as much as i'd like, i'm comfortable here. but FUUUUCK, i want to punch every self absorbed asshole that comes in here or calls demanding the moon on a silver fucking platter for 50 bucks less than the going rate. rude, arrogent, condescending pricks that think that they can bully me into doing something against what i'm told and risk my getting fired just so they can save twenty bucks. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES. the more you try pushing me around, the less likely i am to cut you a break. i'm not some teenage kid that you can intimidate with your gross old-man breath and beer gut. if you want something for nothing, go to the filthy motel down the hill, because that's where the fucking cockroaches belong.

ok, i think i'm done.

Monday, April 27, 2009

yet ANOTHER hundred things about me (PART 3)

because i can't get enough of myself, and therefore neither can you.
(this is an addition to lists from 2004 and 2006)

201. i have two kids
202. and they're 8 years apart
203. i detest "macho men"
204. but seeing an unmacho man do a random, very manly act is SEXY
205. i just saw charlie do push-ups for the first time ever..ooooh
206. i have really unattached myself from the internet over the past 3 years
207. i haven't written any poetry (well, not much) since i got pregnant with lucy (November 2007)
208. i am trying to lose 80 lbs or more by the end of the year
209. i am listening to bob marley
210. my son is in the gifted program at school
211. i have 11 surgery scars on my midsection
212. i don't plan to have any more children
213. but sometimes plans change (but in this case, i really hope not)
214. my favorite word is BOOM, so much so that i'm getting this on my license plate (only with a few more o's for emphasis)
215. i've recently discovered that i am a WICKED cook
216. but my son, dave still won't eat 80% of what i cook
217. i secretly think i am a better parent than...every other parent in existance
218. except for my own parents, because they produced amazing me.
219. i finally got into the habit of cleaning up my house every day...although my bedroom is still a disaster
220. i'm going to be 30 in august (gasp!)
221. i had a guest at work ask me if i was 21 yet...this was last week.
222. i will always look like i'm 20. BOOM!
223. i've been with charlie almost exactly 3 years now. we met online in 2005 before i even moved to Harrisonburg and met in person in april, 2006
224. and the first time he invited me over to his apartment, he gave me a lightsaber (hey, it beats flowers)
225. my favorite sesame street character is and always has been grover
226. i just bought my first pair of Earth shoes with the negative heal and GAWD, they are the best shoes ever...even better than crocs
227. i've kept this same blog for about 6 years, since i lived in WA
228. but i don't update it nearly as much now
229. i refuse to get remarried until i am at my ideal weight
230. the night i had Lucy, when my water broke, i had a dream about my water breaking about a half hour before it actually happened. how's that for psychic.
231. i used to bellydance (when i was younger and skinnier)
232. i was in drama club in high school, and was in one play where i sang and danced.
233. when i was little, i wanted to be a dancer when i grew up.
234. but instead, now i work at a fucking hotel. oh well.
235. my 6 year old self would be disappointed in the way i turned out.
236. so would my 16 year old self.
237. so would my 23 year old self.
238. i'm not disappointed now, though. i'm quite happy with my life.
239. i write more poetry when i'm unhappy.
240. i still plan on writing a novel...someday.
241. i can't eat at mcdonalds ever since finding a dead beetle in my breakfast meal (under the eggs) when i was pregnant.
242. speaking of dead beatles, john is my favorite beatle
243. i am HUGE packrat and have a basement full of boxes of things i knew i should have gotten rid of a long time ago but...WHAT IF I NEED THEM??? GHAAA.
244. the smell of incense makes me want to write angsty poetry
245. when i was young (about 10ish) i had this paranoia that my bed would float off into space while i was sleeping and i would have to survive off of just the things i had in my bed
246. so i would stock my bed with snacks, drinks and books just in case.
247. i continued to keep provisions in my bed until i was a teenager, just out of habit.
248. i used to rollerskate every friday night when i was in high school

ok...stopping for now, i'll finish later. i know you are QUIVERING with anticipation. pshhh.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

my fitness


or as i say it, "mah fitneth." so i'm starting on my new year's resolution a little late. i signed up for netflix and rented Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred because i'm going to Virginia Beach for a weekend in June without the kids and DAMMIT, i want to be at least a size smaller. my goal is to lose all the extra weight by the end of the year and i think maybe this time i can do it. as long as i don't get pregnant again (i'm done with all that forever) and don't have to have any other form of surgery, that is.

it's a 20 minute workout. i thought 20 minutes can't kill me, even if it is jillian (from Biggest Loser), so i hauled my chunky ass down to the basement with my laptop and the DVD and got to it. FUUUUUUUCK. the first day was so uncool. i mean, i know it's for my own good, but OW! i'm very out of shape. my entire body shook and ached, my head hurt and i felt like throwing up. i had to lie down for an hour after, and then coming down the stairs was a bitch. the tops of my legs hurt very bad. i had to go out for a walk just to loosen them up so i wasn't in constant pain.

i did it again this morning (today is only day 2) and i had a shorter recovery time afterword (maybe 5 minutes) and my head didn't ache at all (although my legs have not really stopped hurting since yesterday afternoon). there is a lot of jumping (jumping jacks, jumping imaginary rope, running in place) and gravity and i are mortal enemies, so yeah, it's damn hard. but...i can do this.

my next update on the situation will either come after i've lost 20 lbs (BOOOOOM) or when i've given up completely (PSHHHHH). so stick around...

Monday, February 09, 2009

what a day for a daydream

i used to daydream a lot. in school, at home, on mass transit, while showering, while doing pretty much anything. i would imagine what i would be like 10 years in the future. i would think about how i would die and what my funeral would be like. i would daydream about what other people might be doing behind closed doors. i would sit around and stare into space and go into this spaced out coma, oblivious to anything around me. i was physically on autopilot.

this is something i had assumed i had grown out of.

i went to a parent-teacher conference at dave's school last week. for the most part, my son is a genius. he gets all A's and B's and is in the advanced reading group. however, it was mentioned that he sometimes zones out and doesn't finish his classwork on time. i could certainly relate to that, but i still had to have a talk with dave about staying on task. it's good to have an active imagination, but there are times when it's not appropriate to crawl back comfortably in your mind and daydream. i gave this talk thinking that this is something he's going to grow out of. because hey, i did.

no. no, i didn't.

i'm here at work right now and realized after not hearing a damn word that my boss was saying to me that i was off in my own little world. come to think of it, i hear myself saying, "i'm sorry, what? i wasn't listening," a lot. just about every day, in fact. i'm a space cadet.

i stay focused for short bursts of time. if i'm at work, give me 20 minutes and i can finish almost anything with intense concentration and speed. but after 20 minutes, distraction sets in. i think that the only reason i've learned to work so fast is to make more time to daydream. as soon as i have any down time, i tune out at least 50% of what is going on around me and start imagining what is going on at home or conjuring up the beginning to my epic novel. i'll people watch and think, "boxers of briefs," or "i wonder what they're doing once their door closes?" what i imagine people doing after i check them in is probably much juicier than what actually goes on, but i can't help but picture the strangest scenarios.

i think i've worked at a hotel so long because it keeps my sick imagination working overdrive. inspiration for a novel, maybe?

but now i feel like a hypocrite for telling dave to FOCUS.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

hamsters

ah, the power of negative thoughts.

if you think it, eventually it will come to pass. all the things we can't do. all the holes that are poked in the optimism of others but no solution to plug them with, every snide remark to cut down other people's hope only digs the hole further.

what we all need to do is just think positive and united and it will translate into action which in turn produces results. and i think it's...

...i just realized whenhamstersattack.com is actually a site...

what was i saying?

hm.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

lately...

i've been exhausted. lucy alone takes up most of my time. but then i have david to take care of, i'm working outside the home, i've started babysitting a neighbor's son on weekdays and on top of that, i'm trying to keep the dishes and everybody's laundry done and the house clean.

it seems that any time i even think about blogging, lucy starts screaming or somebody needs me to do this or that or AAAAAAUGH, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. but i'm a mom, so i suppose that's way too much to ask. if something needs to be done, i'm the only one that can do it and it has to be done now.

even now, i'm trying to type one-handed with a fussy baby in the other arm. and i'm sadly watching my abandoned coffee getting cold.

life is FRUSTRATING.

let me finish this when the lucy-goose falls asleep...

*******

okay, well, i had her asleep. as soon as i put her in her playpen she woke up and squealed at me, but she's playing quietly, so i guess that works.

things always seem more hopeless with a screaming baby in your arms.

i made two resolutions this year. one is to lose hella weight. the other is to get back in touch with everyone i unintentionally shut out of my life for a year. as soon as my life started getting hectic, what with new baby and moving and surgery and family tragedies and on and on and on, i just either didn't have the time or patience to get online. which meant i left some people hanging that i didn't want to.

ok, i guess my time is up, lucy's crying.