**WARNING: this post is not entertaining. it is boring and pathetic**
i feel so bland lately. i'm not sure why, i mean, my situation here hasn't much changed. i still don't have a job, i still don't have a direction. i don't even know what direction i want to go and that's a little unsettling. i feel like i'm not doing enough for davey because my energy level is like ZERO lately. sure, i'll take him outside, i'll take him shopping and i'll play star wars with him, but it never feels like enough. it feels like i should be doing so much more.
it doesn't help that i feel so oppressed here. weighed down. i wake up in the morning and hear arguing. i have a family member that likes to call me a loser and an idiot whenever he sees that my guard is down. i hate that. why do people have to rip others down in order to build themselves up? it's never made any sense to me. and as little attention as i try to pay to my brother, those little comments day after day do have an effect on me. i dunno if i actually start to believe it, since i still think i SLAY, but...i don't like the fact that the people around me feel so negative about my presence in this house.
it just brings me down.
add all this to the fact that my ONE FREAKING EMOTIONAL OUTLET, my poetry, has stopped. the creative flow has been dammed by my numbness and i really dunno what i can do about it. i still FEEL all the emotions that i've been writing about, but none of them want to come through in words. i tense up when i see the blank screen. it's easy enough to type this, sit and whine about my life, my problems (sorry about that, but remember, it IS my fucking blog after all), but to condense these feelings down and make them sound pretty...i can't, i just can't.
davey's starting school around the end of the month. that's a little frightening for me. i know he's growing up, but i'm freaked out about just sticking my baby on a bus and sending him to a bunch of strangers. i know. parents go through this. it will be alright. it's just that it's never happened to me, so it's a little scary. i think i'm more nervous than davey. i almost cried when i took him to buy his backpack and school supplies. how retarded is that. i was like, "crayons... *sniffle* ...elmer's glue... *choke* ...backpack... *WHAAAAAAAA*" haha. yeah, people, i'm a freak.
i know, it sucks reading about my problems. not very entertaining, but as long as the poetry in my head is on strike, whining is the only relief i get.