Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Saturday, May 07, 2005

the mother-daughter banquet

if there is a such place as hell, i'm sure it will be filled with little old ladies wearing pastel colors and lilac perfume and chronically happy nut jobs dressed up as the virgin mary. it will look like a cramped methodist banquet hall. and they will serve dry chicken.

i didn't want to go. i have a religious family. i'm dragged out to these church events all the time, and only my mom and aunt know i'm not religious. i'm afraid of telling my grandma, because she's older than the pope and i'm sure she'd have a stroke or something. so i endure it all.

i'm pretty claustrophobic. i mean, i wig out in wal mart sometimes if it's really crowded. the place was pretty small, lined with this horrendous floral wallpaper that gave the illusion that it was smaller than it really was, and was filled with little old church ladies. to top it off, they seemed to each be wearing about a quart of perfume that burned my nose. ugh.

and the food was...well, it was a methodist banquet. which means they found unimaginable ways to ruin perfectly normal foods. and the coffee tasted like dirty water.

when they went around the room asking people to introduce their guests (most of the people either didn't know me or didn't recognize me from when i was little), my grandma couldn't even remember my name. i felt so special.

and the final straw. a chick dressed as the virgin mary (i was told about 3 times that she was a "social pastor" but for some reason, everytime i was told, i thought they said "sociopath") walked around giving this half hour skit, in character, talking about raising the baby jesus. at one point she said "oh, jesus, why?" and i turned to my mom and said "my exact words when i found out i was pregnant." didn't go over too well, and i got some sideways glares from the next table over. blah.

well, at least it's over. hopefully by next year i can get far enough away from here so i won't be invited. but i doubt it.

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