random memory: spontaneous combustion

...or, "that time i found out i was human".

January 2000. i woke up and ate the KFC leftover in my parents' refridgerator from the night before. i believe it was a leg. extra crispy, if you really want me to get specific (though i'm not sure why anyone would need to know). but a leg it was, nonetheless.

the chickie leg was then rejected by my digestive system. blech.

checked my temperature before i headed off for my morning community college classes. all was normal. i felt fine. where is this headed? why am i rehashing a lame story about urping up KFC over 5 years ago? well...

i got to the college, all a-tremble, checking myself for morals or any sign of responsibility. i realized i had very little of both, which made me nauseous all over again. what did i do, what did i do, what did i do.....ghaaa.

i caught my bestest friend, mandy, in the HUB and confided in her my panic over pizza and an espresso.

"You're not pregnant, Roy."

"But what if--"

"You're overreacting, Roy."

she offered to stop by Rite Aid with me anyway and buy me one of those EPT things (it is the Error Proof Test, after all), just to shut me up. just so i'd quit wigging out. this was to be a secret strictly between she and i.

getting off the city bus next to Rite Aid that afternoon, we were greeted by michelle. she would not leave. i didn't have the heart to tell her to scram, so she followed us to Rite Aid.

michelle: "Whatcha getting at Rite Aid?"

mandy: "Oh, just a PREGNANCY TEST for ROY."

fuck.

this was to be a secret strictly between mandy and i...and michelle.

bought the EPT, in line i remember pointing to my tummy and whispering, "better not be anyone in there, you hear me??" this being the mutterings of one of the most childish, irresponsible 20 year old girls on the planet.

walking back to the city bus transit center to wait for the next load of busses, up drives rob. hi rob. join the party.

rob: "Where are you guys going?"

michelle: "Oh, JENNY'S going to take a PREGNANCY TEST."

my...gawd...

so said adieu to mandy, and rob drives michelle and i to michelle's house. lock myself in the bathroom, and..well...yeah. michelle's parents were home, so i hear her telling them that i just had a stomach ache, while she and rob stood outside the bathroom door saying, "Well? Well? What happened?" i'm sure her parents were quite baffled.

i stared at the test for a few seconds. i had a minute or so to go, so i was hoping it would just change back. "Wait a minute, guys, i don't know yet."

but i knew. the test didn't change back, and of course i knew that it wouldn't. i trudged out of that bathroom, all i could do was laugh. that's all i could think of doing, my natural reaction to everything. i broke the news while michelle's parents were in earshot, and i didn't care. here, everyone, here's hard evidence of jenny's irresponsibility!

rob: "So, if you don't mind my asking...how did you get pregnant?"

there are no such things as stupid questions. only stupid people.

ready with a stupid answer, i searched in my head for the term 'immaculate conception' (which is, for those of you who don't know, that's saying God's my baby daddy), but my mind was completely full of other useless nonsense, like, "what am i gonna tell my parents? what am i gonna tell...uh...what's-his-name? am i ready for this? what makes the Teflon stick to the pan?"

me: "Spontaneous combustion."

close enough.