i feel like i could start over. given i find a better paying job w/ more hours (i have my eye on one) and decent child care for davey, i'm sure i could find myself an apartment...around here *shudder* and live my quiet little life without constant worry of being booted out and living on the streets. it sounds so clear cut and simple. yes. yes, it does.
yet when i think about it...i mean picture it...it's slightly terrifying. i don't like people. i don't like being alone. this is a dilemma. i know i have davey, so i'm not technically alone, and he's good company. but when it's just he and i, and especially when he's acting up, i feel more alone than when it's just me. maybe i'm mildly autophobic? i dunno.
ok, enough of my trite problems...
no, fuck it, i started bitching, i think i should finish.
worked today. i'm a cashier, so i was doing my cashiering and answering phones and miscellaneous other little whatnot. i don't like working, but normally i can deal. maybe today was just a bad day for me, though. i dunno. i hope it was a fluke. the store was somewhat busy, but not too bad. i, on the other hand, was flipping. i tried not to show it, but on the inside, i was wigging out. my heart sped up. i was breathing heavier. i could think of nothing but getting outside and having a cigarette. i had my cigarette, settled down a smidge, but the second i stepped back through the door, i was back to wigging.
WTF?? what's wrong with me, has my claustrophobia really gotten that bad? pacing around behind the register, i felt like a caged animal, for serious. i mean, i've had this phobia for as long as i can remember, but it's the only irrational fear that seems to be getting worse rather than fading away...or lessening. it's surpassed my fear of spiders. this scares me...dammit! now i have an irrational fear of my phobias! i'm phobaphobic.
ghaa, i think i just need a cigarette. and some coffee. and some tunes...
well, i can't end yet another post on a sour note, so here's some awesomeness from exploding dog for your entertainment: