Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Optimism on my night alone.

I need to find me. Somewhere along the line, in the last ten years or more, I've lost almost everything I used to be, everything I liked about myself. I suppose this happens to people as they grow older, take on adult responsibilities. I'm a mom, I have to be mommish. Pshhh. Whatever.

I don't know if these problems I have with depression would have overtaken me no matter what, or if they appeared due to life changes (divorce, having kids, moving away from every friend I had, moving again, and again, and again). But I want to think about something other than the workings of my brain. I am going to see a doctor sometime after Christmas and hopefully I can be properly medicated. I want to move on from this shit, I'm tired of it. I want to live, have adventures, be me again. I don't want to be forced to take on a role that I hate, or allow others to make me into someone that I don't want to be. Fuck it. I will do what I want.

First thing: make more time to be alone, while losing all this fucking weight. I will start jogging or some shit, I don't know. I will be Me Independent. In touch with my own mind while not being distracted by others. I don't need anyone else around for me to feel like me. I need the opposite. I need freedom and to do things for myself without feeling guilty. The freedom of not having to stick around listening to people being miserable assholes. To not allow myself to feel guilty for my feelings. I can't let that shit get to me, I have my own whatnot to work on.

I think I may have just made a New Year's resolution. Only I can't call it that, or I will fuck it up immediately.


Tim Sharp said...

Hey, I am sorry you are sad. Your blog is pretty depressing, but it is good that it is a place for you to vent there's not many people on here anyways. You should check out The Joe Rogan Experience. He's the former host of Fear Factor, but he is super fucking badass. He has a free podcast on iTunes that you can download. Its my favorite thing to listen to. The shit that he says is totally unfiltered, funny, and sometimes inspirational. He is really into psychedelics and is very open-minded. I'm not trying to convert you to Christianity or any of that shit. Also, you might want to take up Yoga instead of running. Every time I run I get super depressed later in the day. Also, start with your diet. Eating right makes you so much more happy. Try reading too. It stimulates your brain and can alleviate your boredom. I don't know if you are really in bad shape, but I would look into trying to improve your life through other means as I just stated rather than turning to medication right away. You won't be able to go on all of those fun adventures you said you wanted to! You're just going to be a zombie that is able to zone out and deal with the boredom, ew. Hope this helps.

Jenny said...

Thanks, I appreciate your advice. I have dealt with depression un-medicated for years now. In that time I have had periods where my diet has been very healthy and I exercised regularly. I felt physically better, but mentally, I have always been a mess. It's also hard to keep up the motivation to stay healthy while my brain is trying to sabotage me. I understand that food can be the best medicine, and I agree with that. My diet now isn't terrible but it could be better. Medication is not something I am turning to "right away" though, I have tried for years to control my depression and anxiety on my own and I am just exhausted by it. I'm sure my family is quite sick of it as well. Medication is a last resort to get my life back to something resembling normal. I feel I am a zombie now, so I don't believe it can get any worse. I do read when I get the chance, it's hard to do sometimes with kids fussing around me or when I get brain fog. It's taken me years to come to the decision that I probably need medication. Writing it out here on this blog has helped me vent when I have no one else to talk to about it. It also shows me how big the problem has become, as I can't ignore the way I feel when my lows are spelled out here in black and white for the world to see. Sorry if it's depressing, but it's a form of therapy for me. Thanks for reading my disasterpiece of a blog. :)