Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Saturday, September 07, 2013

No good.

How can such a sunshiney day feel so gray? People are out and walking, kids are playing, whatever. I heard some sort of sports game going on down the road at the college. People are having fun all around me. It's a nice seventy-something degrees. I think I'd prefer a storm. I hate this numb, especially during nice weather. It feels like I'm wasting something. Like my life.

Food isn't doing it for me. I'm having a beer, I can hardly taste it. I tried reading and couldn't concentrate. I'd read a bit, then my mind would wander to what I should be doing, or the stupid things that I've said or done. I thought I'd watch a movie, but I just couldn't find anything other than horror movies that I'd want to watch. Scary movies need to be watched at night, not at three o'clock in the afternoon with the sun glaring off the screen.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm lost. I want to go back to bed, but that would feel like I've given up. Writing this feels like whining. What I don't understand is how can I feel so happy and euphoric sometimes? Doing some of the same things that I just can't get into today? What is different today? Sure, I've got a bit of a cold, but that shouldn't make a difference. I feel this way when I'm perfectly (physically) healthy...or as healthy as I get.

Writing is at least something I can focus on. That's more than I can say for anything else I've tried to do today. Even if it is self-absorbed bitching. It's nice to get it out. In a non-destructive way (as opposed to screaming and breaking dishes, which I unfortunately tried this morning).

There are times I feel like I am part of a collective consciousness and on the same channel as the rest of the world. I love that feeling. But then there are times like now, when I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like I'm making everyone else up in my mind and dreaming it all.

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