lappy crappity

as soon as my good laptop...broke, i started getting Dell catalogs. it's as if the technology gods are trying to tell me something. the first two laptops i've had were gifts from my parents. the next one i get, i want to pick out myself. i figure since i use my computers so much now, i should be picky about what i get.

so i think the next laptop i get will be a Dell. i'm taking the catalogs as a sign. and really, they look nice. and for a nice price, although i won't be able to afford anything until i get working again (of course). what i've been salivating over today has been the Dell Inspiron E1505. compared to what i've owned, it's just so much better. not the best, but i don't need the best for what i use my computers for. plus i need something affordable.

i've never owned a Dell. i've never used a Dell. but from what i hear, they're pretty good computers and for the prices, i think they should be worth it. good gawd, compared to my old Compaq Presario (what i'm using now, 2GB hard drive and still with Windows Frickin 95 on it), anything would be better.

the jumble that is the jenny

i've been reading and chatting all day. annoyed at my laptop for being old, annoyed at myself for not having a job yet and the money to replace it. i called social services and asked what i needed to do to get child care assistance. first, it seems, i need to apply for something else called TANF that no one even bothered to explain (and, by the sound of the woman's tone, they should have talked to me about it when i applied for my other assistance whatnot). so this is what i think their deal is. they are deliberatly putting me through all these applications and waiting so it takes me longer to get assistance, therefore, they give me less assistance. the fuckers.

i think i won't buy any more soda. i've hooked myself on cherry coke and my weight is...well, it's the reason i need to stop drinking so much of it. less soda, more coffee. or water. soda is too expensive anyhow. i need to lose all this weight. i've grown comfortable with all the extra jenny over the years, but now i think it's high time i get rid of it and become the normal me again. i know i'm under all this fat...somewhere.

i need to pick up a little notebook. this has been my diary...sort of, for awhile now but there's so much i can't write here and i'm sick of keeping up private blogs. it's such a pain, getting online now, anyway. AOL keeps booting me offline, it takes forever to do anything, so back to pen and paper for awhile, aside from the occasional post here now and then. but yeah *writing it down* buy one small journal-type notebook from walmart. and not one with kittens on it or other such nonsense. just a plain black notebook. yeah.

i feel things changing. i WILL see the doctor and get a job and a laptop and a couch soon. how simple that sounds, it's not as if i want the moon. i'm a simple girl, i just want a damn couch and laptop. a cozy place to sit in my own living room and do my online whatnot without my computer being an ASSHOLE. GHAAA. why have these simple things seemed so difficult for me? am i really so stupid and lazy and inept? i managed fine before, on my own.

oh my fuck, you stupid computer, can't you just stop being an asshole long enough for me to finish one post...i wish y'all could see this, i barely even touch the screen and i get these ugly purple and turquoise stripes on the top half of the screen. only ugly because they are covering up what i'm trying to write. DAMNNESS!! *smack* aaaaaaand it's back to normal.

yeah, i have the feeling the screen is about to go.

i can't charge my zen micro now that my other laptop is dead, and this old one i'm on now, it's so ancient it still has Windows 95 on it. so forget installing anything on it, including my zen software. so i've whipped out all the old CD's that i've burned over the years.

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream, you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem, this mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what i told you, don't come around, i got my own hell to raise..."

hah, fiona apple. i haven't listened to her in forever. it's kinda nice. i feel so femenist and rebellious. rawr!

ooooh, and Interpol. i haven't listened to them in about a year. 'Obstacle 1' is a very awesome song, it never fails to put me in a mood. what kind of mood, though. i won't describe it, because fuck, i don't know, haha.

and this song...'Laid' by James. very good. i can listen to it over and over and over (etc) and not get sick of it. "dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me prettyyyyyyy...."

this post has become very stream-of-thought.

and long.

*sigh* ok, i'll spare y'all from more distractedness. and made up words like 'distractedness.' did i even make that up, or is that a real word?

whatever.

my dream...

so, yeah, i realize i just said that i probably wouldn't be posting much lately, but i had a very...long...detailed dream last night and i remember most of it. still, after being awake for hours, i still remember the tiny details, so i might as well write it down...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was at a high school photo shoot for their graduation. i was with my friend (who was only my friend in the dream, i never knew anyone like that in real life) and we were helping out. guys that i remember from high school were hanging out and hitting on the high school girls and getting their pictures taken with them.

after the photo shoot thing, i fell asleep at this house and had a dream about a cowboy trying to sleep in the woods and hide himself so he wouldn't get scalped by an indian (ahem...native american). one found him, but instead of being scared, the cowboy handed the indian a magic sledgehammer and he turned into the tin man from the wizard of oz. then the two of them played hide and seek.

i woke up...and then i don't remember much til i'm on this bus with my aforementioned friend and jared leto (although it wasn't actually jared leto in the dream, it just looked like him). it was like airplane seating, with three across and i was sitting in between the two of them. we all had headphones on and were listening to music. the bus driver stopped the bus and told everyone that she wasn't going anywhere until someone stopped tossing cans of green beans around. i caught some of the cans and stuffed them in my knapsack. jared leto was holding a kitten, and he was moving in all close to me so he could hear what music i was listening to. then i was like, "OH WOW, i just had the weirdest dream last night," and proceeded to tell them the dream about the cowboy and indian.

then we were all at my friends house, i guess she lived with her mom. she was telling leto and i all about her dad, he was a drug dealer and into gangs and all that. her mom pulled up to the house and told her that her dad had just been murdered. she seemed to be relieved and wanted to move away. so the three of us decided to move into the house that i had fallen asleep in earlier.

this was a house that i had dreamed of before, it was three stories, had a giant playroom and the upstairs bedroom was haunted. for some reason i thought it was my grandma's old house even though now that i'm awake i know it's not. i was terrified of the upstairs bedroom, it was evil. i had flashbacks of opening the door and things were flying aroud the room and the lights were really dim. the only light, actually, came from the bathroom at the far end of it.

and that's about all i remember as of yet.

:: end of dream sequence ::

disaster strikes

so my regular laptop (IBM Thinkpad) is dead. officially DEAD and now i'm stuck with just my old one to use until i can afford to buy a new one, and that might be awhile. i started it up the other day and all it did was make this grinding noise and gave me an error message over and over. i could do NOTHING.

my old laptop (Compaq Presario, which i am using now) has SO many problems, and i'm surprised it's stayed on long enough for me to write this and go online to post it. it shuts off at random and freezes like a sunnabitch. i've had it since i graduated high school, so it's pretty old. but at least it's something i can check my email with.

so sad. i live on the computer, so this is uber inconvenient for me, but at least i have this crappy backup for the time being. it's doubtful i'll be online much, other than to check my mail (and even that takes forever, because i'm using dialup w/ AOL and half the time AOL stops responding) so i doubt i'll be updating my blogs much, until i get a nifty new lappy.
blahs.

uptight and antisocial, ughs

i've been in the weirdest moods. up and down, back and forth and sometimes sideways. i think sometimes that i should start drinking again, at least once in awhile. i so miss that happy buzz. and i'd stop being so uptight. i can't stand uptight people. y'all get the corndogs out off your ass and be zen. and when my son accidentally bumps into you while doing spiderman moves in Food Lion, please do not look at me as if i were trash. none of that 'control your child' look, unless you want that 'you need to get laid, old bitch' look.

you got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away, we gotta make a decision, we leave tonight or live and die this way...

i like that song. tracy chapman, i think it's by.

part of my horoscope today says, "Be extra nice to yourself today, even if you feel isolated from others." and i do feel pretty isolated today. i hate being alone. how silly is that. i consider myself antisocial, maybe i'm not so much. man oh man i need to find a job and soon before i go bonkers. i'd rather be surrounded by people and wish i were alone than be all alone and lonely.

like a movie

i feel like i'm someone else watching a movie of some chick with my face, but who is acting like a character in a movie, set in what looks like my life. almost dream-like. i feel a bit removed from things. i want to be more immediate but i live so much in my head, sometimes it's difficult. i've been losing time. i notice there are whole weeks that are like "WTF, where did that time go." it's not that i black out or anything, or forget. i remember everything but...i dunno, i feel like i'm going bonkers sometimes. time is passing way too fast for comfort, maybe that's something that starts happening to everyone as they grow older. it just feels so sudden.

i've decided to have different soundtracks for my different moods. here's the soundtrack for this mood i'm in now:

A Lack of Color by Death Cab For Cutie
City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie
One by U2
Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice
Foolish Games by Jewel
Aint No Sunshine by Bill Withers
April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel

mm hmm. like anyone was interested enough to read that. of course, i don't really care, but i do try to stay somewhat entertaining. doubt it's working, but fuggit.

i think the sexiest word for the butt is "fart box."

nothing to say (?)

i need to write more than i have been. i have things to say and they don't want to come out. i feel so dull sometimes, because i'm never comfortable enough to spew out the things i'm really thinking and feeling. if i write something here, i'm not erasing it. so i'm kinda picky about what i post.

i could write about the irritation i'm having right now at the little girl from across the street. davey plays with her and her brother and sister all the time, and generally they're good kids. polite. davey gets angry at them a lot, but he's still learning to share and such, plus he's an only child so he's not as used to it. but today i swear, that little girl has rang my doorbell a dozen times asking if she can bring this toy or that toy out, poking her head into the house and looking for a toy of davey's she wants to play with. next time the doorbell rings, i'll tell her to ask davey if he wants her to play with his toys, because i am not to be bothered with such nonsense. i like kids, but other people's kids annoy me sometimes.

i could write about dragging my feet when it comes to seeing a doctor. i thought that once i got medicaid, i'd be calling the doctor immediately and setting up an appointment, getting this depression nonsense straightened out. i keep telling myself that maybe it's going away. but i know it's not, because once i'm by myself it's the same ol' deal. i can fake that i'm ok around other people but once it's just me i'm a mess again. i know i need to see a doctor, i know i need medication. i'm done trying to talk myself out of it just because other people tell me that i'm fine and i just need to get out more, it's all in my head, yada yada yada. funk dat. i need to stop listening to them and go with my instincts. i know me. i know when things are seriously amiss and right now they are.

ok, that was kinda personal, but there ya go. my fucking blog, writing what i want.

dammit, that little girl better not have just walked into my house without ringing the doorbell.....FUCK, there's the doorbell, i swear that girl is gonna wear it out...

*answering door*

"can i bring out just one more toy pleeeeeease???" as she stares around my living room at davey's toys. damn other people's kids. if i ever caught davey doing that to someone else's parents, he'd be grounded. that's just fucking annoying. i can deal with davey's whining, but any other kid tries that with me and they have a death wish. i can't handle that. they did not come out of my womb, they do not deserve my patience.

i just wish it would start raining or something so all the kids would have to go play in their own houses.

i'm wigging out over this bird flu thing. i heard once on the news, don't mess with dead or injured birds. and now davey's out playing and telling me about this dead bird, or that sick bird he found, and i run out there like a maniac shouting to the neighbor kids, DON'T MESS WITH THE BIRDS, THEY HAVE GERMS, THEY CAN GET YOU SICK! they probably think i'm insane. i did help one of the birds, against my better judgement. it was just a baby and sitting there all pathetic. i hate that i care. so i picked it up with a giant wad of paper towels, stuck it in a shoebox and let it watch the final episode of Will & Grace with me. i let it go in the grass after that and it was gone an hour later. i don't know if an animal got to it or no, but i told davey that it got better and left to find it's family.

that's enough writing for now. apparently i did have something to say.

farting preacher

my brother sent me the link for this. sure, fart jokes are rather juvenile, but when have i ever worried about being immature. charlie and i watched this video and others similar to it (there are five different farting preacher videos), laughing to tears for at least an hour...

sick of the clutter

ok, i've been sick of all the clutter on this blog for months now and have finally decided to do something about it. i've taken away a lot from the sidebars, things i didn't have any real reason to have there in the first place other than to take up space. pictures, links, blogrolls, blinkies, games, even my shoutbox is gone. it took too long to load and annoyed the crap out of me.

and i've added something. a feed from my poetry blog, which is off to the right. i figured i may as well have something useful there, and seeing as how i post on that blog half the time, it seemed important.

i think i still like the way my blog looks at the moment, but if i ever get sick of this layout and want to make a complete do-over, i may also consider moving my blog to wordpress, which is where i have already moved my poetry. but this wouldn't happen for awhile, if that even happens at all.

so enjoy the slightly tidied up version of the Noodle. now i'm going to bed.

weekend whatnot

i've been offline a lot lately. lots to do, socializing being done, groceries being bought, bills being paid, an unnatural amount of time curled up in bed... anywho, so what did i do this weekend...

i went to a mother-daughter banquet on saturday. this is the second year i've went to this thing with my mom and other family. last year was a nightmare. i had nothing nice to wear then, so i just wore jeans and a shirt and stuck out like a big fat sore thumb. the women in my family make me feel like the jolly green giant. i'm at least a good five inches taller than all of them, so when pictures are taken of us, i'm towering over them like an amazon woman.

also last year, the food sucked, the coffee sucked, and the guest speaker was a freak dressed as the virgin mary. it was in a small room crowded with little old church ladies and their families. the floral pattern on the walls only made the room seem smaller than it was, and there i was all claustrophobic and wigging out. i was bad times.

this year, however, was completely different. it was held at the same place, only in a different, much bigger room. the food was awesome and this time i had a skirt, so everyone wasn't staring at the underdressed mammoth. the guest speaker sat with us while we ate and she was awesome.

anyways, sunday i went up to my parents' house and dragged charlie along with me. good times playing trivial pursuit with my momma and watching tv with my dad. my brother never showed, but he sent me this disturbing yet funny video of dogs doing the nasty chacha.

okey dokey, i think that's about it. gawd, i feel so much better, having time to finally sit and write a post and check email and such. i hate being away from my laptop for too long, i can't handle it, man!

gray day

i want to sleep. i want to cry. i want to scream and throw things and whine and growl and let everyone stare, fuck em.

but i'll just sit here and wait for life to go by. i'm so...numb. i don't want to do anything, i don't want to eat...i really just would like to disappear until...i don't know. until life decides it likes me again. i just can't do anything right. every time i roll the dice it's a zero. life, you fucker, you gave me a blank dice.

what's funny is that i'll probably be wicked happy and bouncing off the walls here in a few hours. i dunno what's up with me, but i'm quite sure i need mind altering drugs.

andrea's dead

oh HELL no, that did not just happen.

andrea is a huge part of ghost whisperer, and she died. i did NOT see that one coming, i thought her brother had died in the plane crash. it never dawned on me that she had died. i mean, when she left the store before the plane crashed, the thought occured to me that she COULD die, but when i saw her show up later, i thought she was alive.

i love this show. almost every episode makes me cry like a retard, but this episode, the finale, made me bawl like a baby. whaaaaaaa....ok, i'm a nerd.

wacky movies of the subconscious

i remember my dream from last night in GREAT DETAIL, so i figured i'd share it...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was outside a deserted roller rink. it was on the edge of the campus of my old high school. my old friend, michelle, was sitting on a bench with me, and both of us were dressed very goth. some guy came over to talk to us about being goth, he said he was from the newspaper. we agreed to talk to him, but he said he had things to do at the moment, but could we meet him there at that bench at midnight. we agreed.

i think we sat there the whole day, until this other dude showed up (i recognized him in the dream, but now i don't remember who it was) and apparently this was michelle's boyfriend. he had a couple other people with him, with which it seemed we were all friends, and we went into the roller rink. instead of a wood floor, there was ice down, so we all put on ice skates and little ice-skater outfits and went at it (i have never ice skated in my life, yet i was twirling around on the ice like a pro).

after awhile the random friends left and it was just michelle skating with her boyfriend, and me, the third wheel. i was getting all bummed and then this guy that i used to work with walked in and popped on some ice skates and started skating with me. it was like some kind of weird competition between michelle and i, like a skate-off, haha. it was just more awkward with me because i was taller than my skating partner.

then i guess the rink was closing and they forced us out really fast (there was just the four of us there, plus the guy working there) and i never got a chance to get dressed, i was still in my ice skating outfit, but everyone else was dressed and walking back out to the bench outside. my normal clothes were still inside the building as they were locking it up, so i was stuck looking like a fruitcake.

i tried calling the newspaper dude on my cell and didn't get an answer, and by then it seemed to be really late, like 3am of something. everyone else started to go home, and i started freaking out and crying for some reason. i hopped in a convertable and started driving like a drunk. somehow i turned into Elton John...i mean, i was still ME, i just looked like him...and i was still wearing the ice skating outfit. i wrecked the car down this steep hill beside the road somewhere. people heard it and came running saying, "look, it's elton john," i was so relieved that no one would know it was really me.

:: end of dream sequence ::

what's weird is that i woke up very bummed and upset. the whole dream just had this depressing tone to it. i just tried to dye my hair dark brown again, and once again it came out black, so that may account for the whole "goth" thing. i dunno. oddness.

weird rollercoaster jenny

yesterday i was about as down as i get. well, close to it. it's weird looking at thursday's post knowing i felt that bad less than 24 hours ago. i feel amazing today. it's one of those fluke good days where i don't much worry about anything and everything feels right. i wish these kinds of days weren't just flukes, but ah well, i'm grateful for what good days i have and everything else...well, fuggit.

davey came home with his report card today. my boy's a friggin genius, i knew that already, but it's nice to have that idea reinforced by his teacher. this was his best report card yet and he knew it. the minute he stepped off the school bus, he started digging around in his backpack to show it to me. stopped right there in the middle of the street to do that, hah, i had to drag him over to the sidewalk so the school bus could drive away.

he's out playing in the front yard now. i'm so happy i actually have a place with a yard now, instead of being in an apartment surrounded by creeps. i was afraid to be outside myself there, in my old apartment, with all the drug busts and shootings, it was rough. but now i'm in my awesome little townhouse with a happy little mini-yard (that i don't have to mow) and a big tree out front (that some dude comes and cuts back every once in awhile). i feel like a spoiled brat. ahhhhhh.

cake

feeling rather yucks. very cranky and nervy. my stomach hurts and everything i've got to do seems like too much for me to handle. i want to crawl in a hole. and i want some chocolate cake. bad.

as soon as i think i'm feeling better, some gray creeps back in and i'm back to where i started. this sucks. i don't even want to think, i just want to shut my brain off and crawl into bed and sleep for a week. but then the more i sit around and mope, the more things pile up around me. i feel like i'm being buried in to-do's that i never have the energy or willpower to get done.

and dammit, i want some cake.

davey's losing his patience with me and vice versa. i say things and hurt his feelings and i don't even realize it, he's such a sensitive kid. and then when i try to apologize, he doesn't want to listen. sometimes he just wants to be mad at me and i don't blame him. if i were him, if i had me for a mom, i'd be pretty mad, too.

*sulking*

i want some cake...

my new label

after a recent discussion with the diggity-dan-man about spirituality, i have decided to look around for a better label for my beliefs (because people seem to like labels). the confusion came in when i stated that i believed in an "afterlife" and the idea that there was more to humans than just the physical. i mean, how could i believe in ghosts if i didn't believe that?

so he asked, "So, how does that fit in with being agnostic?"

and i thought about that. it seemed clear enough to me, but i figured my label of being "agnostic" might be a little confusing. i tried to explain what i believed, but all in all i think i just ended up confusing myself. so i looked to trusty wikipedia for some insight on how to better explain myself next time that question came up, and i believe i found it.

Agnostic spiritualism: the view that there may or may not be a god (or gods), while maintaining a general personal belief in a spiritual aspect of reality, particularly without distinct religious basis, or adherence to any established doctrine or dogma.

so i am an "agnostic spiritualist" now. i mean, i always was, i just didn't have a proper label for it til now. although IMO, it's not as good as the term i came up with yesterday, "optimistic confusion," but it will have to do.

sleepless me & radio.blog updates

i hate this. i thought i was tired, so i real quick-like jotted down whatever poetry was bouncing around in my head, then got ready to go to bed. and man, now i'm wide awake. this happens to me quite often, it's maddening.

so anyways, i figured i had neglected my radio.blog long enough and decided to add a few songs i've been listening to a lot lately. i've just started listening to Death Cab For Cutie and have decided that this is my new happy-music. you know, the kind of stuff that makes you want to hop around and shoot rainbows out of your fingers. i can't get their song 'Soul Meets Body' out of my head..."so brown eyes I hold you near, cause you're the only song I want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere" so go have a listen, it's good stuff.

my grandma's day & other things

went to my nanny's (grandma's) birthday celebration at her church today. i was told, "it won't be a service," but it was, so i was tricked into going to church (i'm agnostic and get a bit annoyed when preached at). ah, well, half of it was people talking about my nanny, so i can overlook having to stand there among the hymn singers and trying not to yawn too loudly.

my nanny is 80 and she's been the organist at her church for 71 years. since she was 9. that's an insane amount of time, also that she's been at the same job at a music store for something like 44 years, and is still working there. it blows my mind, seeing as how nowadays that kind of thing is almost unheard of, with people switching careers at least 2 or 3 times in their lifetime (i think i read that statistic somewhere, i could be way off, but if i'm wrong, feel free not to correct me). and it's such a cool job, working at a music store, surrounded by pianos and guitars and sheet music and such.

ok, onto other things...

i've been feeling rather good lately. like time is reversing itself and i'm regaining my nerve. after i had lived in WA for awhile, i had almost completely climbed out of my shell and overcome most of my shyness and childhood anxieties. but then after moving back here (virginia) two years ago, i started retreating back into myself again. like i had been turned back in to the quiet, friendless 11-year-old version of myself. only this time i have a kid and am expected to act like a responsible adult.

but, anyway, i think things may be a-changin. although, i still think i need to talk to a doctor about it, because depression does run in my family. i need me some drugs. anything that will get rid of that urge to stay in bed all day and cry would be a good thing.

Meh

finding other people's poetry

i found a poem in one of my old books, a love poem, that i did not write. nor do i know who wrote it. i only know that it was written on a page from one of my old notebooks, and the book was bought while i was living in my apartment in WA, so i assume that was where it was written. who was it for? i don't know that either. i don't recognize the handwriting. i had people living with me or over all the time then, occasionally leaving their mental droppings in my poetry notebooks or random scrap papers, so it's really hard to tell. but geez it's intriguing. whoever wrote it was either drunk or completely smitten with someone or both. i have more than a few drunken infatuation poems that i myself have written over the years. but i know 200% that i did not write this one, because...well, i just don't write like that.

i just rediscovered the near-empty journal that dani gave to me before i left WA, with her "love poem for gwyn" on the first few pages. gwyn was one of my nicknames, the poem is for me, and it makes me a little teary because it's so sweet. i feel like i should start carrying this notebook around, now is the time to start filling it up with poems. i feel like i need to live up to her words for me. which feels impossible now, but i think i'll at least try. the journal's got little random quotes on each page, like, "let's ignore our mothers' well-meant advice," and, "she refused to let common sense cloud her judgement." i like that.