Melancholia

Paired with intoxication and piano, melancholia can be both beautiful and horrible at the same goddamn time. Tell me how that's even fucking possible.

Possibly the rum is disguising the shit I'm feeling as art? Probably.

FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK.

I'm awake when I shouldn't be. I have to take the kids to the dentist in the morning and then work in the evening. It's 3:30am. All I'm doing is reading news articles, taking online quizzes to see what mental disorder I might have (tonight it's BPD), listening to sad piano music and feeling mopey. I'm afraid of having another of those Supernightmares tonight. It wasn't horror movie terrifying. It played off my emotions. I was a disaster this morning. I ached in my chest. My heart had taken a beating (no pun intended) all fucking night.

I feel stupid and fragile. I'd like to just not give a fuck. I'd like to sleep soundly and wake up normal. I want the dreams back that used to play out happy fantasies.

On another note, I found out this evening that my grandpa is dying. Probably quite soon. I haven't seen him in something like 12 years. It makes me feel shitty.

Nightmare

I'm lying in bed, fresh from sleep, already feeling low. My dreams from last night and this morning all seemed to play out my worst fears. Not death or spiders or clowns. None of these compare to rejection. Humiliation. Loneliness. Why does my brain have to be so terribly cruel? It's a sick joke, to do this to me when it knows how much I look forward to the relief of sleep, where I can dream and temporary let go of all this crippling insecurity.

I'm not even going to post these dreams, because hell, they're much too embarrassing. The problem is, now that I'm awake, my mind is trying to convince me that the underlying theme of the nightmares are true for my waking life. All along, it's been telling me that no one really cares about me and I've been trying so hard to ignore it. But to have an entire dream, what feels like the equivalent of a three hour long movie, dedicated to showing me that I'm worthless, and that the people I care about don't give a shit about me or my stupid little feelings (it gave many examples, worst case scenario of this)... it's hard not to give my asshole brain the benefit of the doubt.

I'm groggy and torn apart when I'm supposed to be fresh and ready for a new day.

Fuck. Me.

Happy time. Instance #1.

It was late evening, winter, so all was dark. 1993 probably. Richland, WA. I was with Mandy, Leah, and (I think) Colleen. We were at the Uptown Mall, which was a strip mall, and we were all slowly trickling out of an antique store. I was first out, sitting on the curb out front in the cold, waiting for the others to make their purchases. I wore a long black puffy coat (no, not for stealing anything). My pockets were filled with CDs for my Discman. I was always wearing headphones. It was also shortly after I started smoking cigarettes, and I had a Camel Wide dangling "sexily" from my awkward mouth. I felt amazingly cool.

In those days, for reasons I have long since forgotten, I wanted to be called Robin, although I was instead dubbed "Roy," which has stuck with me to this day. We were all young and ready to reinvent ourselves, and then the next week we would re-reinvent ourselves. Because we still could.

We were waiting for one of our mothers (not mine) to come pick us all up and cart us to one of our houses (also not mine) where we would babble to each other and listen to records. None of us drove yet, as were all Freshmen in high school. Sitting on that curb, smoking, waiting for my favorite people in the world to join me, after sifting through vintage toys, books, and records and deciding not be buy anything (because I probably had no money)...I felt perfect. It was one of those rare moments in my life where I felt no worry, just love and contentment. All was right. I was with the few people in the world who understood me.

And I'm pretty sure I had an entire boxed set of Journey CDs stuffed in my coat.

I delete half the posts I write.

I start to write something and then erase. I change my mind and assume no one will care to read it because none of it really matters. Sometimes everything seems better off not said. Someone else has already said it, probably more eloquently than I, and it's useless to add my dull take on the matter. I'm too tired not to give up on my silly ideas and daydreams right now. The physical life around me is too full, time is short, I just need to let the current carry me along and stop dragging my feet every time I see something shiny.

Odd

I'm odd. I suppose everyone is odd, they just seem to be odd in a more acceptable way than I am. I'm an antisocial snobbish sort of strange. I don't trust, unless I see the same sort of strangeness in someone else. Right now, well, I've been drinking quite a bit. So I'm going to be a bit stream-of-thought nonsensical. I think about small things and frozen moments. Things that have happened where my memory has saved so much detail, yet I have comfortably filed it all away as unimportant. Until I hear a song, or smell something forgotten, and I'm there again. Cringing. There are past situations that I haven't really analyzed until now, moments and relationships that could have turned out better given some more age and time. People that seemed so strange and...less, in that moment, but it just took a decade of growing for me to realize their beauty and genuineness. I've fucked up a lot of friendships with people that are the same sort of strange as I am. I wonder if I could travel through time and meet my younger self, whether young Jenny would give older Jenny the time of day. What am I going to be regretting ten more years from now?

Falling apart.

Sitting here at work, I've started getting this weird shitty burning sensation on the top of my toes. I took my shoe off, not so bad but still hurts a bit. Put my shoe on and stood up, DAMMIT, I JUST WANT TO DIP MY FOOT IN ICE WATER. I have no idea what's wrong with it. It's not red. There's no rash. It can't be athlete's foot. I didn't do anything to it, although it did ache earlier around the base of my toes.

I overreact whenever my body does something unexpected. The older I get, the more surprise aches and pains I get. I google symptoms and find the worst possible scenario, then I start picturing my funeral. Never once do I entertain the idea of seeing a doctor. I'm hopeless.

Giving up vs. Giving in

It's been a peaceful few months. A bit too comfortable, superficial. I'm surrounded by Good but can't feel much, aside from aloofness. I'm lazily letting go of the sparse social interaction I had been mustering. Which was primarily online. I don't get out. Not much. Not at all, really, unless it's with my kids. I don't know if an evening spent at the grocery store with my family really counts as "out." I'm in a cozy rut. Not sure if I'm giving up on things that seemed to be so important just a few months ago, or whether I'm just accepting my life as it is, myself as I am, and such whatnot.

Nonsense and Garbage.

I miss the days when I used to sit down and write a blog about nothing. I didn't need anything gnawing on me. I waste all my nonsense on Facebook, man. People read that shit. Who reads this anymore? Pffft. Barely anyone.

Pffft. I actually made that noise. With my mouth. So yeah, that was sincere.

This is the second or third time now I've slept through thrash morning. I heard the truck coming as I was waking up, groaned and fell back into bed (notices the amazing typo I just made and leaves it -- but I would totally wake the fuck up for THRASH MORNING). *ahem* Trash morning. I find myself ridiculously amusing sometimes. Anyhow, now I feel guilty. The garbage is piling up by the side of the house. I said I'd do it. But instead, I had blissful dreams about Christmas and doorways. Was re-entering the dream after the kids left for school worth missing the trash truck? Yeah, I'd say so.

I'm in an okay mood, aside from the garbage mishap. I hopped up on the scale upon waking to find I have now officially lost *drum roll please* 35 lbs. I like this. I have more to lose, but damn, that's a nice number. So how am I celebrating? By...not...exercising. That's probably a bad idea, but I slept late and I work soon, so I am going to spend the afternoon drinking coffee and daydreaming.

I miss a lot of things this morning (well, this afternoon...I slept through "morning"). I miss the way my brain would conjure great things and fixate intently on them. Unfortunately, this would also trigger the bad feelings, so it's odd to miss that. But today I am feeling good. Not particularly deep, but peaceful. Why can't I have the deep emotions and the peaceful feelings at the same time? I think whenever I let myself feel something too deeply, it hurts a little. And sometimes I want it to hurt a little. But right now, I'm okay just whistling and enjoying my coffee, so fuggit.

And Boom. Just because.

Speaking to other humans about depression.

I tend not to share my feelings with anyone that doesn't understand what having depression is like. Well, aside from spelling it out here, for all to read.

Those who haven't experienced it sometimes want to listen. Mostly not. Most pretend to be interested, ask if I'm really okay or what's bothering me, but then get uncomfortable and tune out when I start to describe my Blah. And when they do listen, they sometimes want to "fix" me. Get more exercise. Read a book. Go out in nature. Spend time with your family. Just get out of the house more. *sigh* I know they mean well, and those are all great things to do. But none of that will cure me. I'm not a sulking teenager. I don't just snap out of it. When I am down and go for a walk, I am still down when I come home. The chirping birds mock me.

Then there are those who have experienced depression and anxiety to varying degrees, from seasonal to chronic to debilitating. I feel for them all, yet again, I don't share my feelings with a lot of them. There are those who seem to want to turn it into a Who's More Depressed contest. I'm not trying to win anything, I just thought, I don't know, maybe a little empathy? I'm not looking for pity, goddammit, and I'm certainly not about to give any out. People want to be listened to and understood, not outdone.

This. This is why I just write it here. Hardly anyone comments. Just reads, or clicks away. But if someone reads this horribly depressing blog and relates...*hug*

Fighting the creeping numb. That creep.

I don't feel part of a collective consciousness anymore. I'm here, moving among bodies, flesh and meat and hot air, not minds or souls. My thoughts aren't shared. My thoughts aren't worth sharing. I'm moving. I'm living. I'm wishing I was either a part of it all and apart from it all. Not hovering here in between.

Hic...hic...

It's almost four in the morning and I don't feel like sleeping. I don't want to give up my time alone in the living room with no kids or phone calls to bother me. I tried to get myself drunk, infuse my mind with unrestricted creativity. Now I just have the hiccups and the need to pee. Fuck it.

Silence

Sometimes I need to quiet my mind and quit talking to myself. My head is clearing, I'm getting things done, cleaning and all that nonsense. Domestic shit. I'm also thinking about writing something that isn't so trite/whiny/self-centered. I don't know what and I don't want to force it, but I feel a need for something specific and creative to concentrate on. When I'm creating, pouring myself into something, I have something to look forward to. When I am endlessly perusing Facebook and see the same shit over and over, the same cutesy inspirational quotes, the same politics on both sides bashing each other, everything starts to feel a little pointless. Nothing seems real. As if no one has actual thoughts anymore, they're all swallowing and regurgitating the same information. It's all a little false. It's where all of my friends and family are (I do not have the convenience of living close to or seeing most of my friends in person anymore), so I still gravitate to Facebook daily. But maybe some time away. Get some perspective. There is this real world around me.

Thoughts

I should not be allowed online whilst drunk. That is all.

Almost nothing

Oh, I give up. Fuck. I have no words. Not really. I'll try to describe this but I don't know why I'm bothering. Maybe I'm keeping track of my thoughts so I can tell the doctor. But the doctor won't want to hear all this, they'll just ask me questions and give me a fucking prescription. I'll just write this for me, then.

I feel an almost-nothing. I don't like to feel emotionless, but a full-on nothing would be better than what I've got now. It's a numb lined with frustration tinged with sadness and pent up rage. And a hopelessness. I'm a dumb pathetic creature sometimes and I hate it. I want to rip things apart. I want to sleep. I want to get in my car and drive. Throw away my cell phone and computer. Cut off contact with the world. Live in a cave. I'm not doing any of those things, though. Instead, I'm curled up in bed feeling miserable and blogging from my phone. The end.

Oh, the dreadful wind and rain

Okay, you beautiful Spitnoodle, I know I said I'd found another but I just can't resist you, my lovely.

Like I said yesterday, I woke up with a feeling of dread. It never went away. I carried it with me all day yesterday, waiting for the worst. I took it to bed with me and let it invade my dreams (I had a very hazy dream about working for a hotel/bookstore and my employer hating all my ideas, and a girl asked me to come to WA with her for New Years). I felt this tense waiting when I woke up and got the kids off to school. Went back to bed and the wind made it sound as if the house is about to cave in, which is fitting, as it feels like the world is about to cave in.

Alien me

So tired. I feel like I'm on another planet. There's a slight shift in everything, enough that the world seems foreign now. Things are not quite right. Everything is awkward and strange and wrong. It's like I'm Sam from Quantum Leap. I've jumped into this body, into this life and I'm only pretending to know what I'm doing or why I'm here. Hoping next time...will be the leap home. Pshhhh, whatever that means, I just really like Quantum Leap. ;)

I felt so great yesterday, but I stupidly drank a pot and a half of coffee in the afternoon and evening. So subsequently, I barely slept. I had a dread feeling before going to sleep and then the same after waking up. No dreams. None that I can remember. Damn. Hoping for some good ones tonight. I'm watching Delicatessen, and it's shaping up to be a very strange and (hopefully) wild dream-inducing movie.

Good day. Good ideas.

Feel amazing today. Had loads of very vivid and fascinating dreams last night and now I've got the idea that I'd like to learn to draw or paint so I can make a dream book or stories or poems based on my dreams complete with illustrations by me (that felt like a run-on sentence...oh, well, fuck it). I thought maybe I'd never be able to learn to draw, I'm so horrible at it, but a couple people recommended a book (very highly) to help me learn. I will try it out, and if said book helps, I will write a post about it.

I'm so excited about this idea, I don't care how silly it sounds. I have a strange preoccupation with dreams. I don't care if they're the feel-good sort or nightmares (I have and recall plenty of both, normally a few per night), I love them all. It seems like the more vivid my dreams are, the better and more creative I feel the day(s) after. It's like it all comes in waves or cycles. But anyways, I've always had that wish that I could record my dreams and replay them for myself and other people after I wake up. The closest way to do this (that is reasonably within my power to do) is to write it out, either in story form or poetry or both, and illustrate it with the same emotion from my dreams. I know I can do this.

Wow, I have more energy than I can believe today. I get these days where I wake up and I just feel super creative and happy, like I can do anything. I look back over my old posts and can't understand how I ever felt so down. I know it's going to happen again, but I'm going to take advantage of this good day and write as much non-whiny bullshit as possible. :)

Enough

I've started posting my personal whatnot somewhere else, where I can pour it all out and not censor it for my family (who I know can see this, I just sort of stopped caring). Not that I've been censoring much, but I still have things I need to get out in writing or I will burst. Hopefully I will start posting here again soon, when my head is free of ghosts.

Bad.

Same SHIT, same SHIT, same SHIT. I feel like nothing, I can't control my irritated reactions to everything going on around me. I don't want to do this anymore. I am fine and then I'm suddenly really not fucking fine. If I was alone, I could cry. I can't cry around anyone. I cried on my drive home from work. I cried in the bathroom. It's all I feel like doing. I just want to let myself feel something, but when I get the chance, it's always shit. I'm terrible to everyone around me. It's pure hell trying so hard to keep this under control around my kids when I want to scream and cry and I don't even know, I just can't handle living like this. I'm waiting on my boyfriend to run out and get some whiskey so I can just quiet my brain and relax. I can't fucking do this, I just want to hide. I don't want to talk to someone who is just going to wonder when in the hell I'm going to stop talking and crying and making them uncomfortable. Or someone who will tell me I just need to get out more and get more exercise. Fuck that. FUCK. THAT. I need realness, and there is almost none of that left in my world. Everything is just superficial bullshit and complaining and shouting. My soul is a train wreck. What the fuck am I even talking about. My head is so full of nonsense right now. Merry Fucking Christmas.