Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Sunday, November 24, 2013

More of the same.

I've been like this all day. Terrible. No sense of humor about anything. All outside stimuli too irritating for words. I have the urge to throw, smash, scream. I'm vaguely nauseated. I'm cold. I know I'm not sick, it's just really fucking cold out today and I've had too much coffee and not much to eat. I feel ugly. Stupid. Worthless. The madder I get, the stupider I feel, and the stupider I feel, the madder I get. I'm trying not to show how bad I'm feeling to the kids. Everything my daughter does makes me want to scream, though.

I have things to look forward to. Why do I feel like this?? It's not FUCKING FAIR. I can't cry because it would confuse or upset the kids. I need something but I don't know what. I don't want anything specific. Not even a drink. Maybe a cigarette, I don't know. I haven't smoked in 6 years, but a well timed cigarette always used to help me before. I'd slip outside by myself, look at the sky, smoke and think dark thoughts. Daydream. I was escaping.

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