I don't know what. Really, I'm sitting here feeling things and not feeling anything. I am down. I am really fucking down. I'm going through motions, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it that will really hear me and care. Everyone has their own shit going on, I understand that, so I write it down to feel some temporary relief. Things are happening that should make me happy, but instead I can't feel anything but confusion and indifference. The only things I do that hold any meaning for me is reading and writing. And maybe music and movies...by myself. I just can't force myself to enjoy doing things. I turn all of my limited energy inwards. I try to keep myself moving along, doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, trying to feel busy and efficient. It's like being on a treadmill. I put in some effort, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Several times today, I've felt as if I was the only person alive. As if everyone I see are ghosts, figments, flat characters. They talk, they interact, but there is nothing said with meaning. I can agree with them, talk to them, but it's almost as if I'm talking to myself. I feel like life is a dream sometimes, like I'm going to wake up anytime and say, "None of that shit made any sense."