...or, That Time I Made a Human
July 15, 2000. the
Hanford fires were put out by then, which was a relief, because on top of having to have my overnight bag for the hospital ready, just in case, i had the extra worry, for awhile at least, of possibly having to evacuate my home.
my contractions had been mild and far apart for four days. the journal that i had always kept nearby me for spur of the moment poetry, was now being used to record how long, how far between these discomforts were becoming. i had become a clock watching, heavy breathing, roly poly nervous wreck. hee hee hee wheeeeew. i still do my lamaz breathing when i need to calm myself down.
to speed up my contractions, my parents decided to take me on a bumpy car ride through the burned areas of town, just to see what damage had been done. i don't know if it was the rollercoaster roads or the smell of charred sagebrush that that made the munchkin in my womb decide, "hey, i think it's time to pop out," because as soon as we arrived home, it was time to hit the hospital.
my mother was my labor coach. she was the one that held my hand through my childbirth classes, helped me remember my breathing, reassured me that it wasn't so unnatural to push something that huge out of...well, yeah. i heard the story of my own birth about a kajillion times. "when i had you, we all called you the KY Kid, because you just flew out so faaaast." i had heard that story all my life, and when i finally found out what KY was, when i was in junior high, i was mortified.
in childbirth classes, they stressed the importance of a focal point, an object to stare intently at while going through contractions. i brought with me a sock monkey. because sock monkeys are badASS. of course, focal points only tend to work if you're actually looking at them. sock monkey got lost somewhere in the sheets of the FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE hospital bed with me, but i think just knowing my little socky friend was there with me made a difference.
"are you sure you're having contractions? this stupid machine doesn't even work!" instead of breathing with me, my mother was bitching about the hospital equipment. i sat panting in the...did i say this already...FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE hospital bed, on the verge of hyperventilating myself and passing out (well, if it weren't for the frequent and painful spasms in my midsection, ha). they had yet to decide if it was necessary for me to actually stay in the hospital, or go home and wait.
after it was decided that, yes, something was likely to pop out of me, and soon, i settled into my nightie and prepared for the worste pain of my life. my doula (or, my other labor coach) showed up and insisted i walk around. there's nothing worse than having to endure that kind of pain, other than waddling around in the hall in my nightie in that kind of pain. all the while trying to smile and be nice, because this wonderful strange lady just drove to the hospital in the middle of the night to help me. like hell i was going to say what was on my mind.
"you're being so quiet," she observed, as if it were expected of me to let loose a string of profanity between each hee-hee-hee-hoooo. it's funny that the one time i hold my tongue is the one time i'm expected to swear like a sailor. "Shit," i mumbled, halfheartedly. i mean, really. what fun is letting loose a good 'muthafuck' if it's expected?
after i laid back down for awhile, i realized i was not going to be wonder woman after all, and some serious drugs were in order. in fact...that sounds good now, hmm... anyways, what was i saying? oh! yes. drugs. i got me an epidural (which looks like
this, eeks) and withstood some embarrassing checks by the midwife to see how far along i was.
what happened during the last check, it's somewhat hard to remember, it all went so fast. i heard, "there's the cord," and, "honey, you're going to have to have a cesarean," and, "drink this," all while a kajillion nurses rush in, lay me back, and start wheeling me down the hall. my mother freaking out, "what's happening, what's happening." it took all of 60 seconds.
i didn't realize at first that they were going to knock me out for this. this wasn't covered in childbirth class. it was skimmed over a little in the, "things sometimes go wrong" talk, but was not really discussed in depth. the man talking to me held a mask to my face and told me to count backwards. the last sound i heard was a huge crash and a hissing sound (which i was to learn later, was an oxygen tank falling down) before the blackness closed in and i was blissfully unaware of the madness surrounding me.
i woke up a few hours later. alone. confused. i didn't know whether i had a child or not. i mean...did it come out alive? i decided to assume the best and waited for the nurse to come by (or just anyone, considering my contacts were taken out and i couldn't see anything but shapes moving by me). "was it a boy or a girl?" i was told i had a boy. oh well, 'Lucy Jane' would have to be for the next one.
when i was awake enough and at least semi-coherent, someone popped my glasses on me, and i was wheeled down the hall. please say that's not mine screaming bloody murder. please say i didn't produce anything that loud. i entered the room to see my parents holding a perfect miniature human. letting loose an ear piercing shriek that would have made Jamie Lee Curtis jealous.
i reached down in the bed to see WTF that lump was in my blanket and found sock monkey. had he been there for the whole thing? had the doctors and nurses been in such a hurry to get this banshee out of me that they let my smiling monkey friend stay for the show? i know the answer is, 'probably not,' but i like to think it was, just because i'm silly and irrational.
and the point of this story is this.
sock monkeys are badASS.
poltergeist. "they're heeeeere." this is the movie that started my fear of clowns. and dolls. and clown dolls. it was back when "built over an old indian burial ground," didn't sound so cliched. i love everything about the movie, and i'm sure i know it word for word. "the swimming pool, THE SWIMMING POOL!!"
the exorcist. this was the first horror movie i ever watched. i might have been five. as scary as it seemed then, it's twice as frightening to me now. the scene that makes me cringe every time is the first time Regan's head turns backwards. "Do you know what she did, your cunting daughter?" *shiver* creepy. i've got the newer version now, with the scenes that had been cut from the original. best cut scene: regan's upside-down crabwalk down the stairs. it is oh-so-spooky.
halloween. my favorite slasher series. um. except for the last few, those suck. and not the third one either, that has nothing to do with michael myers. the first two are classics. i'm not a huge slasher flick fan anymore, now that my movie tastes have (for the most part) matured, but these never get old. jamie lee curtis is the scream queen.
pet sematary. another movie i know word for word. "sometimes, dead is bettah." it's the best stephen king movie ever. Zelda gave me nightmares. and daymares. the death scene where Gage (the little boy) gets hit by a truck always makes me bawl like a retard, but i have to say, Gage is the cutest dead kid ever. "First I played with Jud and then mommy came and I played with mommy. We had an awful good time. Now I want to play with yoooooooou."
the ring. when i first saw this movie, i was alone in the dark. when the dead chick popped out of the dude's TV, it scared the beejeezus out of me. i had gotten a movie poster of it from my work and had stuck it up in my bedroom prior to watching it, just because it looked cool. it was just a well. after seeing the movie, i had to take it down because i couldn't sleep with it up. i was convinced that creepy little chick was going to hop on out of the poster when i was sleeping. any movie that can do that to me, it's worth watching.
white noise. immediately after seeing this movie in theaters, i went out and got myself a digital voice recorder to try to collect my own EVPs (electronic voice phenomena). never got any, but anyways, the movie still slays. plus michael keaton is beautiful. when his wife died in the movie, i just wanted to jump through the screen and hug him. on top of being a really creepy ghost story, it's also got a kinda sweet love story in it, too. it's just a really awesome, haunting movie.
the amityville horror. it's the classic haunted house flick. i love the original, because it's what i grew up watching. i love the newer remake because of the wicked effects (for example, there is a baby sitter's finger poking in a dead girl's brain-hole effect, who couldn't love that). i've seen mass amounts of documentaries on the "true" story behind it all and it is utterly fascinating. for more about the amityville horror, go to the Amityville Horror Official Website, or go to The Amityville Murders for more information about the DeFeo murders. once you see the truth behind this movie, it makes it all the creepier.
love object. this isn't exactly the scariest movie, but it is damn strange, and definitely worth watching. it's a horror movie about a socially inept man and his relationship with his jealous, anatomically accurate silicone sex doll. if that doesn't make you want to watch it...then you are lame.
signs. three things that slay in one movie. aliens, destiny/fate, and of course, joaquin phoenix. they don't show much of the aliens, which, IMO is awesome because they don't overdo it. there is a lot of illogical whatnot where the aliens are concerned, but it doesn't really matter to me (since i'm not a logical person, anyway) plus the aliens are not even the point of the movie. it's got all these odd coincidental occurrences all throughout the movie and they all have purpose. and if that's not enough, there's joaquin phoenix's scar. good times.
silence of the lambs. this movie has some of my favorite lines. "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again. Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!" buffalo bill slays. literally ;) the movie doesn't scare me near as much as it used to, since i've seen it a kajillion times. i watch it now to see buffalo bill dancing around with his whatnot tucked in (to the song ''Goodbye Horses'' by Q. Lazzarus, it took me forever to find the name of that song) pretending to be a woman.
the entity. based on a "true" story. a woman getting raped by a ghost. or demon, or whatever. at times, i think it's more funny than scary, but i've got a pretty twisted sense of humor. all i can say, is that the whole movie is worth watching just for the boob scene alone. there's supposed to be a remake of this one coming out next year, so i've heard, so i am hoping it is more graphic. *ahem* i mean better.
and, on a slightly different note, i thought my most favorite halloween show ever was worth mentioning. Garfield's Halloween Adventure. sure, i know it seems childish, but go fuck yourself, i love this show. more than any scary movie ever made, this gets me into the halloween spirit. and it's where i first heard one of my most favorite words to say: flibberdegibbet. i just realized it's a real word, BTW, stupid me thought it was nonsense all this time, but it's in the dictionary. it means, "a flighty person." i learn a new bit of useless trivia every day.
first dream: chillin on the beach with Daniel...and one of the giant fruit guys from the Fruit of the Loom commercials. the sky looked all fake. we were all trying to think up something to dream about. i think i realized it was a dream, but i don't recall any more of it.
in childbirth classes, they stressed the importance of a focal point, an object to stare intently at while going through contractions. i brought with me a sock monkey. because sock monkeys are badASS. of course, focal points only tend to work if you're actually looking at them. sock monkey got lost somewhere in the sheets of the FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE hospital bed with me, but i think just knowing my little socky friend was there with me made a difference.
when i was awake enough and at least semi-coherent, someone popped my glasses on me, and i was wheeled down the hall. please say that's not mine screaming bloody murder. please say i didn't produce anything that loud. i entered the room to see my parents holding a perfect miniature human. letting loose an ear piercing shriek that would have made Jamie Lee Curtis jealous.
