son of spitnoodle

i went to a parent/teacher conference today. my first. i worried. would the teacher tell me that davey's been acting up? that he's too hyperactive? that he's the most obnoxious kid in the class? any criticism directed toward davey, i naturally blame myself for. after all, i'm his mom. i assume if there's anything the matter with him, it is the result of my dysfunctional parenting skills.

i got to the school early. had a cigarette in my car. blasted my tunes. other parents stared as they walked hand in hand into the school, ready to hear wonderful things about their perfect, well-adjusted children. i drummed on my leopard print steering wheel, filled the car with smoke, adjusted my pigtails a few times in the rearview, and headed on in.

i dropped by the bathroom to adjust my pigtails again. must... look... perfect... in my ratty jeans and Beatles t-shirt and earth shoes...and, aw fuck it, i look like me. who am i kidding. there was no 'perfect' to be had.

waited in the hallway for 15 minutes, waiting waiting waiting...what the fuck is taking so long...oh it's the retarded looking family that's holding up the works. the ones that brought their retarded looking kids. maybe the teacher just had to speak v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y for them.

checked out the walls in the hallway. i saw davey's picture up on the "KINDERGARTENERS ARE 'T' RIFFIC!" wall, on a little construction paper t-shirt with his name on it. i noticed he was the only David in the entire kindergarten class. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, HAHAHA!

anyways, finally got to talk to the teacher. she's short and petite with short hair and glasses and wearing one of those long denim dresses and...everything a kindergarten teacher should be. there is only one profession for someone who looks like that. we sat down at one of the low tables and perused davey's drawings and classwork for a bit. very good, very good.

then BOOM.

"now there is something i'm concerned about..."

i froze. aw, gawd, what is it? does he ask the teacher to wipe his butt? does he talk about blood and dying like he does at home?? IS MY BOY ON DRUGS??? WHAT????

she finally came out with it, that he's got some, "social issues," or rather, as i see it, antisocial issues. doesn't play with the other kids. likes to be alone. i mean...are these really problems? that was me at that age. that's me now. and i slay. is it really so bad if he grows up to be just like me?

ok, maybe.

other than his loner tendencies and his quietness...oh and he daydreams during class (he is my CLONE), he is doing great. no behavioral problems. no problems with his work. he is perfect. i trotted out of that elementary school whistling.

i almost skipped.

but that would've looked totally lame.