Meditation Technique

"Shoving a butt plug in the asshole of your mind."

Sorry... watching Midnight Gospel and couldn't get that phrase out of my head until I wrote it down. Next time I attempt to meditate, this will be the visual. 

List: Reasons why Jenny is losing her damn mind

• I stopped drinking (more or less). I've had exactly one beer in the span of seven weeks. I had basically been drinking to self medicate my depression, so now I'm just stuck... dealing with it. Unfortunately, so is everyone around me. 
• I just ended a 15 year relationship, which has basically been most of my adult life. It's the right decision, but it's hard thinking about the aftereffects and what the future's going to be like. We're also still going to be living together for quite awhile until we get everything sorted out, so...yeah.
• I might be going through early perimenopause. I dunno, I've been having pretty big mood swings and what might be small hot flashes, and it's around the age mom started going through it.
• I'm at long last trying to finalize a divorce that should've happened 18 years ago and realizing how much of a mess I am at an age when I should have my shit together.
• There are adorable hyperactive kittens getting into everything in my house. 
• (there are more reasons, but I think I've unpacked enough for now, thank you) 

big feelings

I know by my peace that I've made the right decision. I'm ending a 15 year long relationship and that's so fucking scary. Especially because it's with someone I still deeply care about and always will. But I also know that the feelings I've held and kept secret were slowly eating away at me and would have destroyed everything around me, anyway. I don't feel like an imposter anymore. I feel like I can slowly find myself again.

From here on out, I'm going to try harder to make my feelings clear to the people I care about. I've gotten very skilled at guarding myself and speaking in cryptic ways. I need to face it, I can't expect everyone to know my heart's language. I always thought... if they cared, they'd learn. But that's not being fair. Also, I realize that's a very unhealthy way to go through life, alienating and testing people. I have to accept that, at times, I'm going to hurt people with the truth and I will also be hurt, that's just part of being human. I don't need to live on the defensive.

Anyways, I saw this picture on FB from a movie I've yet to watch, and it made me feel alright this morning. Hence this post. 

*side note: I just watched this movie, Coco, this quote is nowhere in it. FB is full of lies lol

I got this

It's morning. I'm starting to like the morning. My head finally feels clear in what feels like forever. I can see what I had been feeling in a different light. 

It was just loneliness and insecurity. That's it. Just two silly fucking emotions amplified from isolating myself. Those feelings build exponentially when I leave them unchecked until I feel crushed under them. I stupidly start assuming other people's thoughts instead of just talking. I don't look at my own thought processes for what they are, but instead see it as my failure as a human being. As if it's me, I'm the problem. I'm not enough, or I'm too (fill in the blank). I am my own worst enemy and biggest critic. 

But, nah... fuck that. I am enough. I am a fucking badass. I think it took being actively judged by someone else (and she can piss right the fuck off) to finally stand up and defend myself. I am a grown ass woman, I live my life however the fuck I want, and no, I don't have it all figured out yet, but no one really does.

Nah. I got this. 

Feelings suck. Also, no feelings suck.

I've gotta get out of the loop I'm stuck in. I can't think, I can't speak, I can't feel. I'm deadened by the thought of the unknown. I'm mind reading instead of communicating. I'm folding inward. I feel I can't improve upon the silence. Whatever spark I had is smoldering. It hasn't gone out, but I'm just so tired and confused. I'm not propping myself up with alcohol like I've done for so long, so I'm just... floundering. 

I don't know how to do this.