Hic...hic...

It's almost four in the morning and I don't feel like sleeping. I don't want to give up my time alone in the living room with no kids or phone calls to bother me. I tried to get myself drunk, infuse my mind with unrestricted creativity. Now I just have the hiccups and the need to pee. Fuck it.

Silence

Sometimes I need to quiet my mind and quit talking to myself. My head is clearing, I'm getting things done, cleaning and all that nonsense. Domestic shit. I'm also thinking about writing something that isn't so trite/whiny/self-centered. I don't know what and I don't want to force it, but I feel a need for something specific and creative to concentrate on. When I'm creating, pouring myself into something, I have something to look forward to. When I am endlessly perusing Facebook and see the same shit over and over, the same cutesy inspirational quotes, the same politics on both sides bashing each other, everything starts to feel a little pointless. Nothing seems real. As if no one has actual thoughts anymore, they're all swallowing and regurgitating the same information. It's all a little false. It's where all of my friends and family are (I do not have the convenience of living close to or seeing most of my friends in person anymore), so I still gravitate to Facebook daily. But maybe some time away. Get some perspective. There is this real world around me.

Thoughts

I should not be allowed online whilst drunk. That is all.

Almost nothing

Oh, I give up. Fuck. I have no words. Not really. I'll try to describe this but I don't know why I'm bothering. Maybe I'm keeping track of my thoughts so I can tell the doctor. But the doctor won't want to hear all this, they'll just ask me questions and give me a fucking prescription. I'll just write this for me, then.

I feel an almost-nothing. I don't like to feel emotionless, but a full-on nothing would be better than what I've got now. It's a numb lined with frustration tinged with sadness and pent up rage. And a hopelessness. I'm a dumb pathetic creature sometimes and I hate it. I want to rip things apart. I want to sleep. I want to get in my car and drive. Throw away my cell phone and computer. Cut off contact with the world. Live in a cave. I'm not doing any of those things, though. Instead, I'm curled up in bed feeling miserable and blogging from my phone. The end.

Oh, the dreadful wind and rain

Okay, you beautiful Spitnoodle, I know I said I'd found another but I just can't resist you, my lovely.

Like I said yesterday, I woke up with a feeling of dread. It never went away. I carried it with me all day yesterday, waiting for the worst. I took it to bed with me and let it invade my dreams (I had a very hazy dream about working for a hotel/bookstore and my employer hating all my ideas, and a girl asked me to come to WA with her for New Years). I felt this tense waiting when I woke up and got the kids off to school. Went back to bed and the wind made it sound as if the house is about to cave in, which is fitting, as it feels like the world is about to cave in.

Alien me

So tired. I feel like I'm on another planet. There's a slight shift in everything, enough that the world seems foreign now. Things are not quite right. Everything is awkward and strange and wrong. It's like I'm Sam from Quantum Leap. I've jumped into this body, into this life and I'm only pretending to know what I'm doing or why I'm here. Hoping next time...will be the leap home. Pshhhh, whatever that means, I just really like Quantum Leap. ;)

I felt so great yesterday, but I stupidly drank a pot and a half of coffee in the afternoon and evening. So subsequently, I barely slept. I had a dread feeling before going to sleep and then the same after waking up. No dreams. None that I can remember. Damn. Hoping for some good ones tonight. I'm watching Delicatessen, and it's shaping up to be a very strange and (hopefully) wild dream-inducing movie.

Good day. Good ideas.

Feel amazing today. Had loads of very vivid and fascinating dreams last night and now I've got the idea that I'd like to learn to draw or paint so I can make a dream book or stories or poems based on my dreams complete with illustrations by me (that felt like a run-on sentence...oh, well, fuck it). I thought maybe I'd never be able to learn to draw, I'm so horrible at it, but a couple people recommended a book (very highly) to help me learn. I will try it out, and if said book helps, I will write a post about it.

I'm so excited about this idea, I don't care how silly it sounds. I have a strange preoccupation with dreams. I don't care if they're the feel-good sort or nightmares (I have and recall plenty of both, normally a few per night), I love them all. It seems like the more vivid my dreams are, the better and more creative I feel the day(s) after. It's like it all comes in waves or cycles. But anyways, I've always had that wish that I could record my dreams and replay them for myself and other people after I wake up. The closest way to do this (that is reasonably within my power to do) is to write it out, either in story form or poetry or both, and illustrate it with the same emotion from my dreams. I know I can do this.

Wow, I have more energy than I can believe today. I get these days where I wake up and I just feel super creative and happy, like I can do anything. I look back over my old posts and can't understand how I ever felt so down. I know it's going to happen again, but I'm going to take advantage of this good day and write as much non-whiny bullshit as possible. :)