A Tuesday

"Give me one more medicated peaceful moment...I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility..."

Today was almost beautiful. I woke up during an amazing dream, the kind that leaves you feeling just nice all morning and, if you're lucky, that feeling bleeds into the afternoon and evening. I had a quiet empty house and so I read. I felt optimistic. Or, what's the word... transcendent? I don't know if that's quite right. To put it plainly, I felt GOOD.

I've been eating better (and less, as my appetite has been mostly gone for the past month or so), and when I weighed myself I was down five pounds. This meant something great to me. I was uplifted. I was happy with me.

I don't want this to be my Depression Blog. Really, I want to be interesting and fun like I seem to remember being. But this doesn't feel like me anymore. This goodness is always short lived lately, as it was today. It's like a switch in my brain that flips. Eventually I pass my image in the mirror and see someone else. Someone not as good. I don't live up to my own standards. I'm not talking about my outward appearance. I accept that I'm not physically perfect, no one is. That's nothing to me. I can see the change in my eyes, in the way I look back at myself. I lose my shine.

I'm angry with myself. I don't want to talk with anyone about this, I just want someone to understand, to just know. Stop so much with the well meaning advice. I'm angry that everyone else is living their meaningful lives and I can't find the meaning in mine anymore. The uglier and stupider I feel, the more brilliant and beautiful everyone else seems. The gap between myself and the rest of the world keeps widening and there's nothing I can do.

That's all. My highs are more exhilarating and my lows are ever deepening. I'm going to write something of meaning here soon. I swear. Until then...I'm so sorry.