Just not my night.

I can't form a fucking thought with this kid constantly talking and jumping around. I just want some time to myself where I don't have to listen to a four year old's stream of thought or have someone bugging me to look at this, look at this, looooooook. My patience is wearing VERY FUCKING THIN.

I just need time to think. I get time to do that on the treadmill, which is why I treasure my time on it. That or in the shower or car -- no one interrupting my thoughts. I feel selfish. I'm a mom, I'm supposed to put my kids before myself.

I just want my writing back. I write a little, but not nearly everything that I need to. When I have something like a feeling/poem that needs to get out, but I'm not in a situation where I feel like I can write, it's like being constipated.  I can't write until everyone in this family is in bed, I'm just completely uninspired until then. I need to drink to get all this tension out, all this anger I have about...life.

I thought I would quit drinking (it's hell for trying to lose weight), but I can't. When I'm sober, I feel that sort of numb, much like when I was on Celexa but none of the calm. I couldn't write then, either. I want to cry and scream and throw things and curl up into a ball and escape from the world.

time passes...

Nevermind. Kids in bed, amazing smiles now. Drink is good. Laughs to be had. Whooda thunk. It's turning into a better night.