nothing to say (?)

i need to write more than i have been. i have things to say and they don't want to come out. i feel so dull sometimes, because i'm never comfortable enough to spew out the things i'm really thinking and feeling. if i write something here, i'm not erasing it. so i'm kinda picky about what i post.

i could write about the irritation i'm having right now at the little girl from across the street. davey plays with her and her brother and sister all the time, and generally they're good kids. polite. davey gets angry at them a lot, but he's still learning to share and such, plus he's an only child so he's not as used to it. but today i swear, that little girl has rang my doorbell a dozen times asking if she can bring this toy or that toy out, poking her head into the house and looking for a toy of davey's she wants to play with. next time the doorbell rings, i'll tell her to ask davey if he wants her to play with his toys, because i am not to be bothered with such nonsense. i like kids, but other people's kids annoy me sometimes.

i could write about dragging my feet when it comes to seeing a doctor. i thought that once i got medicaid, i'd be calling the doctor immediately and setting up an appointment, getting this depression nonsense straightened out. i keep telling myself that maybe it's going away. but i know it's not, because once i'm by myself it's the same ol' deal. i can fake that i'm ok around other people but once it's just me i'm a mess again. i know i need to see a doctor, i know i need medication. i'm done trying to talk myself out of it just because other people tell me that i'm fine and i just need to get out more, it's all in my head, yada yada yada. funk dat. i need to stop listening to them and go with my instincts. i know me. i know when things are seriously amiss and right now they are.

ok, that was kinda personal, but there ya go. my fucking blog, writing what i want.

dammit, that little girl better not have just walked into my house without ringing the doorbell.....FUCK, there's the doorbell, i swear that girl is gonna wear it out...

*answering door*

"can i bring out just one more toy pleeeeeease???" as she stares around my living room at davey's toys. damn other people's kids. if i ever caught davey doing that to someone else's parents, he'd be grounded. that's just fucking annoying. i can deal with davey's whining, but any other kid tries that with me and they have a death wish. i can't handle that. they did not come out of my womb, they do not deserve my patience.

i just wish it would start raining or something so all the kids would have to go play in their own houses.

i'm wigging out over this bird flu thing. i heard once on the news, don't mess with dead or injured birds. and now davey's out playing and telling me about this dead bird, or that sick bird he found, and i run out there like a maniac shouting to the neighbor kids, DON'T MESS WITH THE BIRDS, THEY HAVE GERMS, THEY CAN GET YOU SICK! they probably think i'm insane. i did help one of the birds, against my better judgement. it was just a baby and sitting there all pathetic. i hate that i care. so i picked it up with a giant wad of paper towels, stuck it in a shoebox and let it watch the final episode of Will & Grace with me. i let it go in the grass after that and it was gone an hour later. i don't know if an animal got to it or no, but i told davey that it got better and left to find it's family.

that's enough writing for now. apparently i did have something to say.