nothing to say (?)

i need to write more than i have been. i have things to say and they don't want to come out. i feel so dull sometimes, because i'm never comfortable enough to spew out the things i'm really thinking and feeling. if i write something here, i'm not erasing it. so i'm kinda picky about what i post.

i could write about the irritation i'm having right now at the little girl from across the street. davey plays with her and her brother and sister all the time, and generally they're good kids. polite. davey gets angry at them a lot, but he's still learning to share and such, plus he's an only child so he's not as used to it. but today i swear, that little girl has rang my doorbell a dozen times asking if she can bring this toy or that toy out, poking her head into the house and looking for a toy of davey's she wants to play with. next time the doorbell rings, i'll tell her to ask davey if he wants her to play with his toys, because i am not to be bothered with such nonsense. i like kids, but other people's kids annoy me sometimes.

i could write about dragging my feet when it comes to seeing a doctor. i thought that once i got medicaid, i'd be calling the doctor immediately and setting up an appointment, getting this depression nonsense straightened out. i keep telling myself that maybe it's going away. but i know it's not, because once i'm by myself it's the same ol' deal. i can fake that i'm ok around other people but once it's just me i'm a mess again. i know i need to see a doctor, i know i need medication. i'm done trying to talk myself out of it just because other people tell me that i'm fine and i just need to get out more, it's all in my head, yada yada yada. funk dat. i need to stop listening to them and go with my instincts. i know me. i know when things are seriously amiss and right now they are.

ok, that was kinda personal, but there ya go. my fucking blog, writing what i want.

dammit, that little girl better not have just walked into my house without ringing the doorbell.....FUCK, there's the doorbell, i swear that girl is gonna wear it out...

*answering door*

"can i bring out just one more toy pleeeeeease???" as she stares around my living room at davey's toys. damn other people's kids. if i ever caught davey doing that to someone else's parents, he'd be grounded. that's just fucking annoying. i can deal with davey's whining, but any other kid tries that with me and they have a death wish. i can't handle that. they did not come out of my womb, they do not deserve my patience.

i just wish it would start raining or something so all the kids would have to go play in their own houses.

i'm wigging out over this bird flu thing. i heard once on the news, don't mess with dead or injured birds. and now davey's out playing and telling me about this dead bird, or that sick bird he found, and i run out there like a maniac shouting to the neighbor kids, DON'T MESS WITH THE BIRDS, THEY HAVE GERMS, THEY CAN GET YOU SICK! they probably think i'm insane. i did help one of the birds, against my better judgement. it was just a baby and sitting there all pathetic. i hate that i care. so i picked it up with a giant wad of paper towels, stuck it in a shoebox and let it watch the final episode of Will & Grace with me. i let it go in the grass after that and it was gone an hour later. i don't know if an animal got to it or no, but i told davey that it got better and left to find it's family.

that's enough writing for now. apparently i did have something to say.

farting preacher

my brother sent me the link for this. sure, fart jokes are rather juvenile, but when have i ever worried about being immature. charlie and i watched this video and others similar to it (there are five different farting preacher videos), laughing to tears for at least an hour...

sick of the clutter

ok, i've been sick of all the clutter on this blog for months now and have finally decided to do something about it. i've taken away a lot from the sidebars, things i didn't have any real reason to have there in the first place other than to take up space. pictures, links, blogrolls, blinkies, games, even my shoutbox is gone. it took too long to load and annoyed the crap out of me.

and i've added something. a feed from my poetry blog, which is off to the right. i figured i may as well have something useful there, and seeing as how i post on that blog half the time, it seemed important.

i think i still like the way my blog looks at the moment, but if i ever get sick of this layout and want to make a complete do-over, i may also consider moving my blog to wordpress, which is where i have already moved my poetry. but this wouldn't happen for awhile, if that even happens at all.

so enjoy the slightly tidied up version of the Noodle. now i'm going to bed.

weekend whatnot

i've been offline a lot lately. lots to do, socializing being done, groceries being bought, bills being paid, an unnatural amount of time curled up in bed... anywho, so what did i do this weekend...

i went to a mother-daughter banquet on saturday. this is the second year i've went to this thing with my mom and other family. last year was a nightmare. i had nothing nice to wear then, so i just wore jeans and a shirt and stuck out like a big fat sore thumb. the women in my family make me feel like the jolly green giant. i'm at least a good five inches taller than all of them, so when pictures are taken of us, i'm towering over them like an amazon woman.

also last year, the food sucked, the coffee sucked, and the guest speaker was a freak dressed as the virgin mary. it was in a small room crowded with little old church ladies and their families. the floral pattern on the walls only made the room seem smaller than it was, and there i was all claustrophobic and wigging out. i was bad times.

this year, however, was completely different. it was held at the same place, only in a different, much bigger room. the food was awesome and this time i had a skirt, so everyone wasn't staring at the underdressed mammoth. the guest speaker sat with us while we ate and she was awesome.

anyways, sunday i went up to my parents' house and dragged charlie along with me. good times playing trivial pursuit with my momma and watching tv with my dad. my brother never showed, but he sent me this disturbing yet funny video of dogs doing the nasty chacha.

okey dokey, i think that's about it. gawd, i feel so much better, having time to finally sit and write a post and check email and such. i hate being away from my laptop for too long, i can't handle it, man!

gray day

i want to sleep. i want to cry. i want to scream and throw things and whine and growl and let everyone stare, fuck em.

but i'll just sit here and wait for life to go by. i'm so...numb. i don't want to do anything, i don't want to eat...i really just would like to disappear until...i don't know. until life decides it likes me again. i just can't do anything right. every time i roll the dice it's a zero. life, you fucker, you gave me a blank dice.

what's funny is that i'll probably be wicked happy and bouncing off the walls here in a few hours. i dunno what's up with me, but i'm quite sure i need mind altering drugs.

andrea's dead

oh HELL no, that did not just happen.

andrea is a huge part of ghost whisperer, and she died. i did NOT see that one coming, i thought her brother had died in the plane crash. it never dawned on me that she had died. i mean, when she left the store before the plane crashed, the thought occured to me that she COULD die, but when i saw her show up later, i thought she was alive.

i love this show. almost every episode makes me cry like a retard, but this episode, the finale, made me bawl like a baby. whaaaaaaa....ok, i'm a nerd.

wacky movies of the subconscious

i remember my dream from last night in GREAT DETAIL, so i figured i'd share it...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was outside a deserted roller rink. it was on the edge of the campus of my old high school. my old friend, michelle, was sitting on a bench with me, and both of us were dressed very goth. some guy came over to talk to us about being goth, he said he was from the newspaper. we agreed to talk to him, but he said he had things to do at the moment, but could we meet him there at that bench at midnight. we agreed.

i think we sat there the whole day, until this other dude showed up (i recognized him in the dream, but now i don't remember who it was) and apparently this was michelle's boyfriend. he had a couple other people with him, with which it seemed we were all friends, and we went into the roller rink. instead of a wood floor, there was ice down, so we all put on ice skates and little ice-skater outfits and went at it (i have never ice skated in my life, yet i was twirling around on the ice like a pro).

after awhile the random friends left and it was just michelle skating with her boyfriend, and me, the third wheel. i was getting all bummed and then this guy that i used to work with walked in and popped on some ice skates and started skating with me. it was like some kind of weird competition between michelle and i, like a skate-off, haha. it was just more awkward with me because i was taller than my skating partner.

then i guess the rink was closing and they forced us out really fast (there was just the four of us there, plus the guy working there) and i never got a chance to get dressed, i was still in my ice skating outfit, but everyone else was dressed and walking back out to the bench outside. my normal clothes were still inside the building as they were locking it up, so i was stuck looking like a fruitcake.

i tried calling the newspaper dude on my cell and didn't get an answer, and by then it seemed to be really late, like 3am of something. everyone else started to go home, and i started freaking out and crying for some reason. i hopped in a convertable and started driving like a drunk. somehow i turned into Elton John...i mean, i was still ME, i just looked like him...and i was still wearing the ice skating outfit. i wrecked the car down this steep hill beside the road somewhere. people heard it and came running saying, "look, it's elton john," i was so relieved that no one would know it was really me.

:: end of dream sequence ::

what's weird is that i woke up very bummed and upset. the whole dream just had this depressing tone to it. i just tried to dye my hair dark brown again, and once again it came out black, so that may account for the whole "goth" thing. i dunno. oddness.