new year's resolutions...

...or as my son calls them, new year's restitutions.

1. keep smoking.
2. keep drinking coffee.
3. keep watching the pilates video in fast forward (while sitting on couch)
4. eat a few more eggrolls
5. make fun of a redneck
6. lose some eyelashes
7. practice singing in the shower
8. say BOOM at inappropriate times


wow.

i know, i know. it seems like a lot. but i think i can manage.

nightmares.

not sure why it is, but i've had some pretty fucked up, violent dreams the past few nights.

sunday night:
in this dream, i was coming out of 7-11 with some nachoes and a surge (remember surge? i miss those). as i was coming out, two wild jungle-looking dudes with bloody machetes were going in (apparently they didn't see me coming out). they killed everyone inside. i could see body parts flying around and blood squirting from decapitated heads. the whole works. i stood there frozen, clutching my nachoes and surge, staring in the front window. as soon as they were done, they looked up and saw me. one pointed his machete at me and mouthed "you're dead." then i woke up.

monday night:
in my dream, i was in the bathroom at night, drying off from a shower. i heard some crazy noises out in the hall. my son screaming (he screams sometimes when he's happy). my dad shouting. things hitting the walls. i was in the bathroom for a half hour hearing all this while i got dressed and put on makeup. when i finally poked my head out to see what the fuck was going on -- my dad's decapitated head rolled down the hall. i looked down the hall into the living room and saw the two men with machetes. there was a pile of bloody body parts behind them. then i woke up.

last night:
i dreamt i was a bird! this one started off great. i was flying through clouds with everyone else i have ever known. we were all magically transformed into birds and all of us were having the times of our lives. apparently, however, there was a trick to landing that none of us knew about, and the clouds were a lot lower than we thought. most of us hit the ground and died. i survived, but my family didn't. when we hit the ground, we were turned back into humans, and from the twisted mass of bodies, i'd say only 10% of us survived. out of thousands of people. then i woke up.

what the fuck?? i'm not a violent person, this is not what i'm thinking about before i go to sleep, so why am i dreaming it??

anyone do dream interpretations? if someone can find some sort of meaning for these, i'd love to hear it.

annoyance.

i was surfing around other people's blogs in blog explosion the other day and noticed something that pissed me off...

i was sitting listening to depeche mode on my stereo, when my computer started making this horrible noise. it took me a second to realize it was britney spears.

if you are going to put music on your blog, please don't autostart it. give people the choice whether they want to hear your music or not, because chances are, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS.

the oracle book.

i just found a book i bought a few years ago and haven't seen since, till now. it's called the oracle book: answers to life's questions by georgia routsis savas (so mystical sounding, wooooo). what you do is, ask the book a question, concentrate VERY HARD, and flip through the pages, randomly stopping at one of the "answers." it's the literary version of an 8 ball. don't get me wrong, i'm not into all the psychic fortune telling bullshit (well, i assume it's bullshit), it just seemed mildly amusing when i was flipping though it at work (a few years ago, i worked at a book store/music store/video store/software store/spongebob paraphernalia store). here are a few of my very important questions. finally. ANSWERED!

Q: will i get the furniture-staining job?
A: "yes, but only with the assistance of a loved one."
~~~ok, then I am bringing my son to the interview. BOOM~~~

Q: will my son become a ROCK STAR when he grows up?
A: "the answer is yes, but only if you get to it immediately."

~~~BOOM! DONE!~~~


Q: will i become a rock star when i grow up? (haha)
A: "the psychic's answer is plain and simple: no."
~~~well...fuck the psychic, what does she know~~~

Q: will i win millions of dollars in this lifetime?
A: "act as if it's already happened."
~~~*blink* oh, well sure. then i'm going to the mall. BOOM~~~




BOOM count = 3

bouncing off the walls

i've had waaaay too many cookies. aah, christmas.

the best (possibly the BESTEST) song i've heard all week: Gay Bar by Electric 6.
it goes well with sugar. *bounce bounce bounce*

so, we're getting all these xmas cards, "welcome back to virginia," blah blah, and they're sending pictures, people i havn't seen in close to 15 years. they're getting old. when did that happen? i still look like i'm 16.

i'm glad i didn't send out pictures of me. i'd ruin christmas with my big ol face. BOOM!

The Crucifix

If the Christians' "savior" was born in modern times, and was shot instead of crucified, would people be wearing guns around their necks 2000 years later?

And maybe he would be named Frank instead of Jesus.

HAHA. What Would Frank Do?

My Christmas Decorations

Please leave me a comment if the above Christmas decorations offend anyone. I don't really care, but if there's any crazy jesus freaks that start crying when they see jesus done up like a Christmas tree, it would give me a good laugh to know about it.

I am the anti-Christmas. HAHAHA.

AAAGH, COOL!

Your Christmas is Most Like: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas is a big, boisterous event at your place. And no matter what, something hilarious usually happens.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

AWESOME! I watch that movie EVERY CHRISTMAS!!!

Things I Miss From Childhood

just a random list pulled out of nowhere:

1. Digging -- for no reason
2. Original Nintendo -- Duck Hunt and Bubble Bobble
3. Pee Wee's Playhouse
4. Climbing trees -- the dangerous non-climbing type of trees
5. Being un-self conscious
6. Lawnchair forts
7. Bedspread forts
8. The ability to fit inside a lawnchair/bedspread fort
9. No responsibility
10. Jelly shoes
11. Trick or treating
12. The Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny/Santa Claus
13. TV shows (Cosby Show, Small Wonder, Mr. Belvedere, all that crap)

might be more, but i really don't think so. childhood sucked, now that i think about it.

Hey, it's true...

Agnostic
You've probably studied loads of different religions, but you're just not sure if any of it is true. Evolution makes some sense to you, but it doesn't satisfy you. Lastly, your personality is one of question, but you won't go out of your way to find -The Truth- It's more of a hobby.

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

I QUIT! I AM FREE! AND I'M...uh...broke.

well, i finally quit my temp job. yesterday. i have a job possibly lined up for after the first of the year. it's temp to hire, but i hear that people don't really get laid off/fired too often so BOOM! i'd be sanding/staining/inspecting high end furniture.
hopefully i'll meet people who DON'T:

1. talk about their hunting trips in great detail
2. bitch about their alcoholic husbands
3. try and force me to join their avon cult
4. have big hairspray-plastered bangs
5. wear nascar jackets

it seems this is too much to ask around these parts. yikes.

Techno SB Email

this has been my long-standing favorite strong bad email

and funny, no one around here (of the small percentage of locals that i talk to) seems to know what a rave is. not that i care, i never went to them. i just love to see the cheat twirling a glo stick. BOOM!



i think the sb "guitar" email comes in at a close second...

mortification.

so i went to a buffet restaurant with my son, davey, today for lunch. the waitress came over to ask us if we wanted dinner rolls and was immediately enchanted with my little one (aren't they all). he was flirting. he's a flirt and always will be. it's genetic.

well, just as she was laughing over him telling her about santa and how he's going to bring him ninja turtles, david looked at her and said, "PIMP MY MOM!"

okay, let me explain...heh...

he's not trying to find me a job or anything. he watches the MTV with my brother (i don't watch it since they took the M out of MTV -- where's the music??) and sees the dumb shows like Pimp My Ride and Date My Mom and mixes them up.

the waitress looked a bit shocked, and as i was trying to crawl under the table, she politely told davey she wasn't in that business. and was probably wondering why a 4 year old would have the word PIMP in his vocabulary.

gawd...

This would be creepy if there was a such thing as Hell. HAHAHA

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

sheesh, i'm not that bad, am i? malicious and violent????
WHATEVAH! I DO WHAT I WANT!

Resignation (A Poem)

Slumber eyes
Eyes that fly through
Windows

And pound the earth with
Screams, Lungs that
Refuse to lie, don’t

Speak at all through
Their smog, Poisons
Never want to let go

Left tonguing the tomb
Of her verse, loiter in
Limbo, Already feeling

The worms getting in

a poem i wrote...um, ok, i don't remember when i wrote it.

Just the mention of your name
I'm fruit loops giggles
pigtails and
twirling gum round my finger
waiting for you
in a field of cotton candy
but you're gone
Kool-aid tears
turn to acid, burn a hole
in the world
and I jump out

the most romantic lyrics ever.

"...if a double decker bus crashes into us,
to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
to die by your side, well the pleasure, the privilege is mine..."
-There Is a Light That Never Goes Out ~ The Smiths

now to find someone to get hit by a bus with. *sigh*

Dull monotonous drudge.

My life has taken a veer towards incredibly boring. My dreams, however, have gotten stranger and more vivid. Maybe my mind is making up for my lack of activity. My lack of living. I'm not living, really. I work. I come home. I curl up and listen to The Cure.

Maybe I should write more poetry. But even then, I don't have anything incredibly sad to write about, which seems to be my spark for writing. I could sit around and sigh.

Yeah. I could do that.

No, I saw something incredibly sad today. A deer head poking out of the wall at the music shop. It had that "What the--" look on it's little deer face. The fuckers. It's creepy that there are so many people out there who brag about murdering for sport. They need to watch a little something called...

Sorry there, bloggy, I have a job now.

so i'm still at GE plugging away the hours staring at light bulbs. it's so sad, i know it's only a temporary job so i don't even half try. it's so boring and half the time i'm wondering that if i do a half assed job inspecting the fuckers on the line, maybe i'm making more work for me later having to re-inspect them. then possibly the job could be lasting that much longer. but i'm probably just wrong.

i took davey to see polar express. it was cute. a little dizzying. it felt like a roller coaster ride half the time, but davey and the other kids in the theater seemed to like it, so i guess i have to buy it for him when it comes out on dvd.

thanksgiving was strange. being around so much family that i've been away from for so long. i was a little stand offish, it's my way in...uncomfortable situations. davey tried dropping spongebob action figures into the saltwater aquarium. he said it wanted to play with "Dorey." i guess from nemo. keeping up with him lately is exhausting. i'm tempted to invest in a cage.

i made a gingerbread house. BOOM.

hmm..i've a few new favorite songs:
Coming Up by Ani Difranco
Rush and a Push and the Land Is Ours by The Smiths
Falling From Grace by Gentle Waves
Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying by Belle and Sebastian
Protect Me From What I Want by Placebo
Jenny by Jimmy Eat World
Memphis by PJ Harvey


and i like to sniff pine.
but enough for now.

horsey 

Sickness. It's a bad thing.

I only have a cold. Maybe bronchitis. As long as I don't die from it, I'm good.

I start (hopefully) at GE next week(through Manpower), as long as I passed their silly little test (which of these things is not like the others) and the UA. So for $9/hr, I get to inspect LIGHT BULBS! A step up from boxes, I should say. Yet another job where I can wear whatever I want and not look at stinky customers.

Here's a sheep on a motorcycle.

I MAKE BOXES.

So my brother went to Manpower yesterday and this thought...this voice in my head told me HEY YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB EITHER YOU BUM and I was like "oh yeah." So I went in with him and filled out my life story. Well, I went back today (with brother) to interview and now...
TA DA! I am going to "make boxes" tomorrow in some warehouse for 10 hours (with brother) for (and this is good, haha) MORE money than I made at my last job with a management position.

Plus I watched 2 hours of Unsolved Mysteries ghost stories tonight, so I am floating on a cloud.

Jimmy, the Hideous Penguin Boy

from The Melencholy Death of Oyster Boy & Other Stories by Tim Burton.

POUCH

For some reason, I laugh at that word. Even if used in a ordinary, not-funny sentence.

Here's a few more words that make me giggle:

Proboscis

Hacienda

LUMBER

*sigh* what kind of craziness is that.

Lunar Assholes

Man. That Lunar Lander game CHEATS.

I mean, I didn't win, so something must be wrong with it.

Mount St. Helens and PAC MAN

Washington is SO going to blow up. See, I had this dream where I MYSELF discovered (scientifically, I suppose) that the entire state of Washington was, in fact, a giant volcano. I stand by my findings. Unless it turns out that I'm wrong.

So, anyways, I was trying to get onto Myspace but they were...I don't know, it wouldn't let me on, but provided me old school Pac Man to play (for my inconvenience) and suddenly my violent rage dissipated. And I figured I would link old school Pac Man and some other randomness here (well, not HERE, to the left) just in case anyone gets bored (as if) reading my nonsense. So, yeah, have fun with that (assuming anyone reads this).

Favorite song. At least for the next hour or so.

I just heard Weird Friendless Kid by Emiliana Torrini. She has an adorable voice and sounds a little like Bjork (I love Bjork). A lot like Bjork, really, but without all the electronic whatnot sounding...music. I heard her first when I was watching the movie Pumpkin, she did a cover of If You Go Away, which I adore but cannot find anywhere. It's not on the Pumkin Soundtrack, which makes me spastic with anger (grrr!!), and apparently not on an album I'm likely to find in the near future. BLAH. GAWD.

I have trouble conveying any real meaning in what I say.
Apparently.

No, wait, I meant one more...

You are Skszp!
You are an AWSOME guitarist and keyboardist. You
should really persue that. You have a group of
tight friends, you may not always get along but
you definatly love one another.


What character from Hedwig and the Angry Inch are you MOST like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ok, no more quizzes.

You are Lucy!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

BOOM! I am awesome!

You're so depressed... but why? Some people might
call you whiny and annoying, and you are, to
them. You still have people that are willing
to listen to you... right after they've been
dumped.


What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is the end...

So I had to spend an hour and a half in a closet under the stairs yesterday. What the shit. Since when does Virginia have tornados? I don't remember one in the 10 years I spent here growing up. And there was not only one. There were eight. Eight goddam tornados swirling all the hell around us. The world is coming to an end, folks.

Patience, Yeeeeahhhh.....

I think I am boring my mother (yes, I am still living with parents until I get my life back together and get another apartment). She and I (and Hurricane Davey) are stuck in the house all day and here I am, on the computer all the time. I saw this cartoon on Exploding Dog and labeled it.

Once I find a car to buy I'll get out more. But hey, who needs to go out when there's a whole world in my Thinkpad?
Hey, here's a song I haven't heard in awhile (I just dug out my old CDs). Patience by Guns n' Roses. I feel like I'm in junior high again. "Said woman, take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine, all we need is just a little paatience. Ohhhhhhhh, yeah...." Haha. AWESOME.

Out of touch

It seems just a little funny. While the rest of the world (meaning the U.S., my mind doesn't reach very far) is blogging about politics and current events, I talk about children's shows. I feel a bit removed from the world. My life is: computer, Legos, computer, grocery shopping, computer, making dinner, computer, telling davey to put his underwear back on dammit, computer, children's programming, computer... well, it goes like that. I've yet to get a car in this strange new place, Virginia (that, funny enough, I was BORN IN), so I am suffering from a serious lack of karaoke.

On a completely different note, I just purchased a copy of Willard (2003 version) on DVD. It's got the music video of Ben, directed by the awesomeness of Crispin Hellion Glover.

It's especially nice with his commentary, in which Mr. Glover spews forth the entire thing in one breath, with plenty of plugs for his own CD and films he is directing. Love it. Love it.

Blue's Clues Rant

Man, Blue's Clues has really gone to shit since they replaced Steve.

I mean, at least Steve's real name was Steve. The new guy, "Joe" or whatever, his real name is, like, Donovan or some nonsense.

And he tries way too hard. He's dumber and not as silly, if that makes any sense. He's a pretty-boy in such a Backstreet Boys way it makes me want to puke. He sings better than Steve, which I absolutely hate, because what the fuck is this, American Idol or some shit?
Am I taking children's shows too seriously??
But Noggin has been playing reruns of the old ones, so I'm good to go.
Uh...not that I, uh...watch it or anything. heh.

Yeah, I think we're both pretty damn cute. I'm the one on the left. 

Davey, my clone.

I'm slowly turning my son into a smaller version of me.

And now we both have matching Yellow Submarine shirts and he calls me David. *sigh* Gotta love him...or me...if you can tell the difference.

Def Poetry

Just saw Ani Difranco on Def Poetry, she rocked!! I have a few of her songs burned on a CD somewhere, but I think I prefer her poetry. I don't know. Maybe I'm saying that because it's so new in my head. I guess it's a tossup.

Every time I watch that show, I feel as though I don't spend enough time on my own poetry. That and I feel whiter than white, like I don't have this whole ethnic history behind me to inspire me. It's like seeing this awesome banana split sundae with whipped cream and cherries, then realizing I'm just a small scoop of vanilla. And not even in a waffle cone. *sigh* Am I really that boring?

What am I saying?!! I ROCK!
HAHA, what was I thinking?

Yeah, about the rabbit...

That last pic was from The Book of Bunny Suicides.

Do you mind if I expose you to 200 known cancer causing agents? 

YAY ME

I've finally made your blog viewing prettier (and easier to read).
And check out my picture!
Aint I cute.

I now have a new printer/scanner/copier, which means now I can post some of my random artworks. If I feel like it. Maybe I won't. I'm crazy like that sometimes.

I've started my new life.......and so far....geeeeezus

I'm here in Virginia. Starting over. A new life. I've managed to spend most of it watching cable TV. Not bad, but I will eventually be expected to get a job and move out of my parents' house. Hahaha....heh...ok, I'm lame.

Um...uh oh

I've moved recently in with my parents. I'm on my mom's computer now and realize this goddam blog is really hard to see...

And it was perfectly visible on my laptop...

Oh well, just deal with it.

A joke

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

Inspired

Okay, here is Jenny's instructions.

Send a saltine cracker through the mail.

Go to multiple bars.
Play darts for an hour.
Take the darts with you when you
leave only if they are orange or yellow.

Make up your own ritual using sugar packets.

Drink 2 bottles of Boone's Farm Melon Ball.
Go to Denny's.
Stay only if they are playing oldies on radio.
Sing loudly and make up your own words.

Lean in closely to someone as if you're about
to whisper a secret.
Wait for them to lean in also.
Don't say anything, then back away after 3 seconds.

Write a poem from the point of view of a diaper.

Instructions

I recently purchased a book of instructions.

By Yoko Ono.

It's called 'grapefruit'.
If you never thought Yoko One was a genius....this won't change your mind:

"Smoke everything you can.
Including your pubic hair."

"Imagine your head filled with pencil leads.
Imagine one of them broken.
Show a pencil lead to your friend and tell
him that it came out of your head."

"Hide in the cupboard
a) until your family starts to wonder
b) until your family forgets you
(make choice)"

Enlightening.
Geeeeezus...

Jenny the Drunken DumDum

I really need to start following through on some of these violent impulses I've been having. But instead I vent my frustrations here, directing my anger at anyone who might be reading.
Well, this is for you:
AAAAUGH!

I'm so ferocious...

New Year's Eve was the biggest drunken emotional mess...sheesh. I've spent the last 12 hours thinking about what a spongey squishey dumdum I am. I need to stop looking for this abuse.
But hey, there was free beer....