bad brain

Feeling as if I've fallen down a deep hole and no one can see me. I realize this isn't the fault of other people. I'm not being purposely ignored by the world. I mean, right now I'm not seeing past the end of my own nose, so I'm inadvertently doing this to others. Sometimes I feel pretty positive, I'm starting to get my shit figured out, I'm getting out of my own way and things will be better. But at the first unexpected obstacle, I'm immediately buried and see life as this unbearable sisyphean cycle.

There, I feel a little lighter now, at least. That's the point of these posts -- to pull the heavy thoughts out and release them to the void.

storms

I have to keep reminding myself, no matter what happens, I have friends and family who love me and I am worth more than I think. The weather (inside & out) has been pretty oppressive these last few days. I get caught up with my emotions too hard and quickly, it takes time after the storm to find my balance again. My even keel. 

I need to stop crashing through doors that aren't open to me. Granted, this time it really felt as if I were invited, but the door was still shut. I am okay, got a good night's sleep, didn't drink away the emotions (sitting sober with them is very uncomfortable, but necessary). There's a calm today, and I can see that there's never going to be clear skies for long. But weathering these storms and coming back out (mostly) unscathed, it just toughens me up to survive the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Bring it.

Fierce morning brain stuff

Feeling pretty free lately, despite the occasional head storm (which is inevitable for me). Feeling fierce, actually. Fine time for list making. What to list...ah, how about Things I'm Letting Go: 

• The idea that I need to censor parts of myself to make others comfortable. If I make someone uncomfortable by being myself, that's probably not the company I need to be keeping. 

• The need to be alone to wallow in my thoughts. This never ends well, usually with me overthinking and imagining, writing needy pathetic poetry. Funk dat, I have my tribe of weirdos that love me and who also need another human to pull them back out of themselves. With hugs. Real squeezy hugs. Human physical contact helps keep me grounded.

• Alcohol as a form of medication. I have writing, art, music, books, films, friends, family, cats, laughter, nature, ALL THIS FUCKING WORLD as medication, I don't need to tamp myself down with booze. Not saying I've stopped altogether, but not drinking alone anymore. A few drinks always helps connect my brain to my mouth, though.

• The need to self diagnose myself with bullshit. I have an imbalance. Every fucking person has some sort of imbalance. There is no grown adult who is 100% sane. I don't need to hyper focus on what's wrong with me, or label it. As long as it stays within the realm of neurosis, I'm cool. 

yeah, I'm tired of this list already. It's not even 9am, for fuck's sake.

some happy words

dealing with my hills and dips, some higher and lower than others. I've had a bright shiny light lately, I just have to wait and see how that plays out. optimistic though (which, I realize, doesn't appear to be my norm, given everything I write, but know that I write more of my lows than of my highs -- the highs are a far more frequent occurance). drinking has definitely been under control for awhile now, which makes life so so much easier. trying hard not to internalize the stress of others and make it my own. 

just thought I'd write something positive here, so I don't appear to be this pit of despair.

life is lovely.