Odd

I'm odd. I suppose everyone is odd, they just seem to be odd in a more acceptable way than I am. I'm an antisocial snobbish sort of strange. I don't trust, unless I see the same sort of strangeness in someone else. Right now, well, I've been drinking quite a bit. So I'm going to be a bit stream-of-thought nonsensical. I think about small things and frozen moments. Things that have happened where my memory has saved so much detail, yet I have comfortably filed it all away as unimportant. Until I hear a song, or smell something forgotten, and I'm there again. Cringing. There are past situations that I haven't really analyzed until now, moments and relationships that could have turned out better given some more age and time. People that seemed so strange and...less, in that moment, but it just took a decade of growing for me to realize their beauty and genuineness. I've fucked up a lot of friendships with people that are the same sort of strange as I am. I wonder if I could travel through time and meet my younger self, whether young Jenny would give older Jenny the time of day. What am I going to be regretting ten more years from now?

Falling apart.

Sitting here at work, I've started getting this weird shitty burning sensation on the top of my toes. I took my shoe off, not so bad but still hurts a bit. Put my shoe on and stood up, DAMMIT, I JUST WANT TO DIP MY FOOT IN ICE WATER. I have no idea what's wrong with it. It's not red. There's no rash. It can't be athlete's foot. I didn't do anything to it, although it did ache earlier around the base of my toes.

I overreact whenever my body does something unexpected. The older I get, the more surprise aches and pains I get. I google symptoms and find the worst possible scenario, then I start picturing my funeral. Never once do I entertain the idea of seeing a doctor. I'm hopeless.

Giving up vs. Giving in

It's been a peaceful few months. A bit too comfortable, superficial. I'm surrounded by Good but can't feel much, aside from aloofness. I'm lazily letting go of the sparse social interaction I had been mustering. Which was primarily online. I don't get out. Not much. Not at all, really, unless it's with my kids. I don't know if an evening spent at the grocery store with my family really counts as "out." I'm in a cozy rut. Not sure if I'm giving up on things that seemed to be so important just a few months ago, or whether I'm just accepting my life as it is, myself as I am, and such whatnot.