Thanksgiving

Sometimes I just wish my holidays could be spent drinking and eating mashed potatoes and watching horror movies at home. Not that I don't like spending time with family.  But this Thanksgiving feels different. I can't seem to get into it today. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to go back to sleep. Or get drunk and write bad poetry. Or curl up with some coffee by myself and read. With no one talking to me or asking me if I'm okay or wanting me to do something for them.

I'm sitting in the bedroom of my boyfriend's mom's house waiting for my turn to take a shower. Then I will go downstairs, be the fattest person in the house, be ultra self conscious while I'm eating, get a stomach ache from the anxiety, then drive the two hours home. Repeat every year.

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.

More of the same.

I've been like this all day. Terrible. No sense of humor about anything. All outside stimuli too irritating for words. I have the urge to throw, smash, scream. I'm vaguely nauseated. I'm cold. I know I'm not sick, it's just really fucking cold out today and I've had too much coffee and not much to eat. I feel ugly. Stupid. Worthless. The madder I get, the stupider I feel, and the stupider I feel, the madder I get. I'm trying not to show how bad I'm feeling to the kids. Everything my daughter does makes me want to scream, though.

I have things to look forward to. Why do I feel like this?? It's not FUCKING FAIR. I can't cry because it would confuse or upset the kids. I need something but I don't know what. I don't want anything specific. Not even a drink. Maybe a cigarette, I don't know. I haven't smoked in 6 years, but a well timed cigarette always used to help me before. I'd slip outside by myself, look at the sky, smoke and think dark thoughts. Daydream. I was escaping.

Test

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Blah blah blah. I have a new phone. New blogger app. Just wondering if it actually works or if all the terrible reviews were right. I repeat. This is only a test.

Stupid Parents

I've been reading through comments on a parenting site regarding the "ridiculously high" expectations placed on kindergartners nowadays. The interesting thing is, every parent that complained that their kindergartner was under too much pressure at school made comments that were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. The parents who believed that the expectations were fair and that sounded as if they spend a lot of time working with their child at home, they not only provided lots of helpful information about activities and websites that can improve a child's reading skills, they also had comments that were free of errors.

Coincidence? I think not.