50 little things that make me happy

1. the smell of sunblock
2. the sound of heeled shoes walking across a hard floor
3. popping bubble wrap
4. biting a goldfish cracker perfectly in half
5. coloring with a brand new crayon
6. amazon.com deliveries
7. remembering the name of an actor without having to look it up
8. singing along word for word alone in the car
9. free popcorn coupon when buying movie tickets with regal card
10. catching the clock at 11:11
11. getting 8 hours of sleep
12. catching the perfect, "that's what she said."
13. writing a poem
14. finishing a crossword puzzle
15. the sound of the river
16. star watching on a clear night
17. the moment the food arrives at a restaurant
18. when Lucy falls asleep an hour before her bedtime
19. rehydrating in the morning after a night of drinking
20. making lists
21. blowing a bubble, catching it on the wand, then using that bubble to blow another bubble
22. buying the perfect gift for someone weeks or months before their birthday or Christmas
23. sucking coffee through a Twix like a straw, then eating the melty coffee-soaked Twix
24. making the perfect scrambled eggs
25. driving past willow trees
26. whistling using a blade of grass
27. being the first one awake in the morning when no one has work or school to get ready for
28. getting into the car after work
29. singing the guitar solo
30. finding money (paper, not coin)
31. robot dancing
32. being alone in a swimming pool
33. facebook comment getting more likes than original post
34. heavy black rotary telephones
35. foot rub
36. tangerine colored cars
37. the sound of popping incandescent light bulbs when I don't have to clean it up
38. taking my shoes off after i've been on my feet all day
39. a cold beer after a job well done
40. starting a new book
41. saying something strange at the same time as someone else
42. zoning out to music over headphones
43. waking up at 5:30 in the morning long enough to remember it's my day off and I can fall back asleep
44. the first snow of winter
45. jacket weather
46. successfully hanging a spoon on my nose in front of witnesses
47. the word "pouch"
48. saying something abnormally honest while drunk
49. inside jokes
50. retracing a rambling conversation backwards to figure out what I was trying to talk about in the first place

How am I not myself?

Wow. I don't feel like me. I feel like a distracted potential. I can be more ME if I just (fill in the blank). How can I not be me?

This is worrying me stupid. It doesn't feel like a valid question, especially when I have other things, expected things, that I need to be doing rather than figuring out how I feel. I have a family to take care of, a new house to try and unpack. Stuff, man. Real stuff. The more of this "real" stuff, expected stuff, that I do, the less I feel like me. I am becoming what is expected of me. I've been Me before, and I felt right. All the right things are happening, I should feel right. Why don't I feel right?

I am going to have a drink, stand out on the deck and look at the stars...

Hardly any stars, but there was some heat lightning. I can't feel anything but confusion, annoyance, and that I'm not doing something that I should be doing. I'm uneasy and restless. I want to feel something else. I'm in a pretty house with a pretty yard across from an awesome river with plenty of trees around. This is what I want. Why can't I feel anything??? I keep myself busy, but when I have some down time, I feel like I'm grasping for some elusive emotion that I can never find. I don't even know what.

(an hour passes)

I just unpacked and set up Charlie's computer and cut my foot on some random broken glass on the kitchen floor. His computer is set up, so I know he'll be happy. But I couldn't care less. I'm such a shit.

Going to bed. Disgruntled. Pretty sure I need medication and I'm not happy about it.