Two Movies and My Sober Opinions.

I haven't been drinking. The past many times I've blogged, I haven't been sober, so this feels strange. I watched two movies tonight and now it's 3:30am and I am not tired. I'm not anything. Possibly a little down. Maybe it was the movies?

I finally decided to watch Human Centipede. I had this feeling I wouldn't like it, and it had been sitting un-watched in my Netflix queue for over a year. I have no problem with horror and disturbing movies, I love them actually. I think I was hoping for more with this movie but somehow knew I wasn't going to get it. But a girl can hope. Anyhow, Charlie was working night shift so I decided to get it over with, because I had to watch it. Much like with a train wreck, I couldn't help myself. I was curious.

It was terrible. I couldn't stand any of the characters. I couldn't root for the victims because they were terribly irritating and dull. I couldn't side with the crazy doctor because his character lacked any hint of depth. He was weird, yeah. Had the creepy look down alright, but beyond that he was nothing. I couldn't even laugh at this movie, it wasn't even, "so bad it was good." If they couldn't have made it more disturbing, the least they could have done was make it corny or funny. This movie offered nothing, I wasn't shocked or disturbed in the least. I was bored as fuck.

Next movie, I Am Dina. Great movie, albeit a bit depressing. I love the main character, though. Dina. Crazy and wild and broken. Strong and vulnerable. This character was all depth. Of course, it had Christopher Eccleston in it as well, and I am a rabid fan of his, so that could only help it. For some reason, any time I see him even almost smile, my eyes water a little. Le sigh.

A dark patch on a rainy day.

Today, I am void of emotion. I have no energy, no will to do anything. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to be. I don't want to...not be. I don't know. Everything feels wrong today. It's like a dream, where I'm standing in a fog and feeling uneasy, not knowing if it's supposed to be a nightmare. Maybe a drink will help me feel something, jump start my soul. I feel like a shell, a husk. A...husky husk. Oh, that was mildly funny.

Nothing I write feels sincere enough. This is the way I am today, in the words that I know, but the words that accurately describe my mind today have not been invented. I will read this tomorrow and it will seem like a lie. Like a melodramatic whine. I write these things down because I want to let myself know how bad it can feel. Because when I'm feeling good, I can't remember what bad feels like. When I actually have the energy and will to do something about it, I block it out and my mind pretends that everything's fine. Reading these words once I bounce out of a dark patch, they don't describe it well enough. I'll think, I couldn't have been feeling THAT down, I was just being silly.