worry

i worry about some people. i can't do anything about their situation, and if i tell them i'm worried without offering to help (because really, in this situation, there really is nothing i can personally do for them), they would resent me. it may just be my perception of a situation i know nothing about (i have lost much contact and haven't seen them in over eight years), but said person really does not seem...lucid anymore.

i miss you, friend, and i hope your situation turns around. i hope people stop praying for you and do something that actually yields results. i will not pray for you, but you are in my thoughts. i know that really doesn't help you, though.

happy fucking holiday

i'm an atheist. i also LOVE christmas. i don't celebrate it as the birth of jesus, because it isn't. the celebration is much older than christianity and pulls from other cultures and religions (largely from pagans). but whatever, that's a well known fact and i'm sure i'm not the first person you've heard this from.

whatever the origins, i love it. it's a good time to be with family, watch corny movies, eat cookies and buy shit for people. it's the happy warm place during a time when it's cold and dark and depressing outside (i'm not a huge fan of winter weather). it's a good excuse to celebrate and drink (not that i need an excuse for that), and it makes my kids happy.

but if i have to continue to endure this, "he's the reason for the season," or, "keep CHRIST in christmas," or worse yet, the idea that saying, "Happy Holidays," is somehow offensive and part of a war on christmas, i might just snap. it's almost funny that people who have no problem with telling me that i'm going to burn in hell can't handle the words, "happy holidays." i have very little patience for religious people, especially that annoying habit that most of them have of trying to shove their make-believe god down everyone else's throats. so if one more of these flag waving ultra-american redneck bible lovers that think they own this holiday try to impose their ridiculous beliefs on me or my family, i'm afraid i may have to tell them where they can shove their god.

BOOM!

too much wine = silly nonsense blog post

i'm still the same girl that projected herself into the future when she was 9. i remember vividly, standing at the top of the street by myself waiting for the school bus, trying to picture it. i wondered then if i would be the same person when i was a teenager...in college...a mom. and yes, it's still me. i have had a very definite sense of ME for my entire life, and i am proud and appalled to say i don't change much. i have the same imagination and insecurities as i had when i was a kid, yet i now seem to hide...both. the imagination comes out a lot when i'm drinking, though. like now. but i try to hide that hope that someday i will be "very important." as in famous for something. i suppose i am important to my kids and family. that's enough. i guess.

fruit fly holocaust

look at the little bastards. muahaha!

i had a problem. i refuse to stop buying bananas and apples, but a tribe of fruit flies have begun to make our kitchen their home. not just a few. for some reason, they've been really thick. i've searched around to make sure something hadn't gone bad, and removed some things (a bag of potatoes, some tomatoes from my cousin's garden), but we've always had bananas and apples on the counter and have never had this bad a problem with the fruit flies.

i had tried clapping them in my hands or smacking them on the walls and kitchen counters. didn't work. i tried following them around the kitchen with lysol (i don't want to taint everything in the kitchen with Raid). didn't work. i got the vacuum out and sucked up a whole bunch of them, but that was more fun than effective, as i just temporarily scared most of them away. so i googled a solution. and i found it.

i got a clear cup and put a little apple cider vinegar in the bottom. then i made a paper cone with a tiny opening at the tip a little larger than a fruit fly. then, i put the cone into the cup with the tip pointing down (making sure it didn't dip into the vinegar) and taped the top to the cup to seal it. i left the room for about 5 minutes, came back and BOOM! i had caught exactly six. it's now been about an hour and there's a bunch.

yesssss.

sunday night

it's never okay to mix cheap wine with jenny at 2am. or feed the mogwai after midnight.

it's one of those nights where i know i need to get things done and i know i need to wake up early and be coherent, yet at the same time, the notion of sleep seems absurd. sleep?? i'm too busy drinking and listening to moody music, man! i'm the only person awake in the world right now. never mind time zones, i am IT. me, myself and i. the rest of the human race will not exist until...say...about 7am.

i want to go sleep and have one of those very consuming dreams that will set my mood for the rest of the day. the sort that has me pissing and moaning about having to wake up and interrupt it. normally they are extremely bizarre, so if i happen to have that dream and remember it tomorrow, i'll be sure and post the details.

good night, all you nonexistent people.

after watching Walking and Talking. by myself.

i'm a little...drunk? maybe. but i just finished a romantic comedy from...i suppose from the mid 90's, i dunno. there's nothing like drinking and being absorbed into a movie. living someone else's life for a change. not that i don't like my own (i do), but it feels so fresh, feeling someone else's feelings. mine feel so stale and predictable. i miss newness and skinny dipping. i need some shaking up is all. it's all become monotonous. i think charlie and i need a vacation. just us. i adore our kids, but i feel i'm becoming boring. that is the thing i have always feared most. that and clowns. and spiders.

antsies in me pantsies

it's the day before easter. i'm restless. want to do something. i feel like i'm getting too comfortable with doing my boring ordinary things and i need to do something loud and obnoxious. i can't sit still. i find myself pacing. i need a little more messiness in my life. the good kind. the kind that leaves me happy and out of breath and looking around for more shit to get into. maybe today. i think i'll go ghost hunting.

dreaming

had a weird dream last night about a diseased pregnant woman, the housewares section of JC Penney, beautiful old friends, used lord of the rings books, an old movie theater...i can't remember anything but snippets of it. and locations. but there was part of it that seemed, when i woke up, to be of great importance. it was imperative that i remember it.

it probably just felt that way in the dream. everything in dreams seems like a big deal until i wake up. but sometimes that feeling bleeds out into my awake mind and i struggle to remember what was so meaningful about it. last night's dream was so wonderful and horrible and heavy. i want it back.