rotten mood

whaaat is going on with me, i can't focus on anything and i'm constantly irritated unless i'm drinking. i don't get out and do enough, but when i'm off work, i'll make any excuse not to go out and do something. i'm paranoid about driving because i need to get my car inspected and i've already been ticketed once for it. everytime i get the time to do that, i either don't have the money or the place is closed (i need to go to the place that originally did my inspection -- which is like an hour away, but i know any other place will fail it, and i can't afford to get my brakes totally fixed right now).

it's october, the weather is beautiful and i feel this antsy feeling when i'm just sitting around, like i'm a caged animal. charlie is normally at work all day (on my days off). i want to get out of the house, but then getting all of us ready (lucy, david and myself) is normally a pain in the ass and just doesn't seem worth it since i don't have money to do anything other than go to the park and last time i was there the gnats were so thick, i was inhaling them. plus not every place i feel like going is kid friendly.

i need more adult company. charlie and i don't get out enough, just the two of us. i only see mandy once in awhile, and then the neighbor across the street chitchats me when i go check the mail. other than that and family, i've got nonstop baby-crying and children's programming and toys that play the same song over and over and mom-look-at-this and mom-can-i-?? it's part of being a mother, so just suck it up and deal with it. if that's all the advice i get from people, who do i even have to talk to anymore. aaaaurgh.

want to cry and scream and pull my hair out and drink and start smoking again and throw things and eat an entire tub of ice cream and kick people in the eye just for looking at me funny. dammit dammit dammit.

these people are damn assholes

i work at a hotel. i'm there right now, actually. it would be a great job if i could avoid all contact with the customers. i like the work, i like all of my coworkers, i'm treated well and, though it doesn't pay as much as i'd like, i'm comfortable here. but FUUUUCK, i want to punch every self absorbed asshole that comes in here or calls demanding the moon on a silver fucking platter for 50 bucks less than the going rate. rude, arrogent, condescending pricks that think that they can bully me into doing something against what i'm told and risk my getting fired just so they can save twenty bucks. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES. the more you try pushing me around, the less likely i am to cut you a break. i'm not some teenage kid that you can intimidate with your gross old-man breath and beer gut. if you want something for nothing, go to the filthy motel down the hill, because that's where the fucking cockroaches belong.

ok, i think i'm done.

what a day for a daydream

i used to daydream a lot. in school, at home, on mass transit, while showering, while doing pretty much anything. i would imagine what i would be like 10 years in the future. i would think about how i would die and what my funeral would be like. i would daydream about what other people might be doing behind closed doors. i would sit around and stare into space and go into this spaced out coma, oblivious to anything around me. i was physically on autopilot.

this is something i had assumed i had grown out of.

i went to a parent-teacher conference at dave's school last week. for the most part, my son is a genius. he gets all A's and B's and is in the advanced reading group. however, it was mentioned that he sometimes zones out and doesn't finish his classwork on time. i could certainly relate to that, but i still had to have a talk with dave about staying on task. it's good to have an active imagination, but there are times when it's not appropriate to crawl back comfortably in your mind and daydream. i gave this talk thinking that this is something he's going to grow out of. because hey, i did.

no. no, i didn't.

i'm here at work right now and realized after not hearing a damn word that my boss was saying to me that i was off in my own little world. come to think of it, i hear myself saying, "i'm sorry, what? i wasn't listening," a lot. just about every day, in fact. i'm a space cadet.

i stay focused for short bursts of time. if i'm at work, give me 20 minutes and i can finish almost anything with intense concentration and speed. but after 20 minutes, distraction sets in. i think that the only reason i've learned to work so fast is to make more time to daydream. as soon as i have any down time, i tune out at least 50% of what is going on around me and start imagining what is going on at home or conjuring up the beginning to my epic novel. i'll people watch and think, "boxers of briefs," or "i wonder what they're doing once their door closes?" what i imagine people doing after i check them in is probably much juicier than what actually goes on, but i can't help but picture the strangest scenarios.

i think i've worked at a hotel so long because it keeps my sick imagination working overdrive. inspiration for a novel, maybe?

but now i feel like a hypocrite for telling dave to FOCUS.

hamsters

ah, the power of negative thoughts.

if you think it, eventually it will come to pass. all the things we can't do. all the holes that are poked in the optimism of others but no solution to plug them with, every snide remark to cut down other people's hope only digs the hole further.

what we all need to do is just think positive and united and it will translate into action which in turn produces results. and i think it's...

...i just realized whenhamstersattack.com is actually a site...

what was i saying?

hm.

lately...

i've been exhausted. lucy alone takes up most of my time. but then i have david to take care of, i'm working outside the home, i've started babysitting a neighbor's son on weekdays and on top of that, i'm trying to keep the dishes and everybody's laundry done and the house clean.

it seems that any time i even think about blogging, lucy starts screaming or somebody needs me to do this or that or AAAAAAUGH, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. but i'm a mom, so i suppose that's way too much to ask. if something needs to be done, i'm the only one that can do it and it has to be done now.

even now, i'm trying to type one-handed with a fussy baby in the other arm. and i'm sadly watching my abandoned coffee getting cold.

life is FRUSTRATING.

let me finish this when the lucy-goose falls asleep...

*******

okay, well, i had her asleep. as soon as i put her in her playpen she woke up and squealed at me, but she's playing quietly, so i guess that works.

things always seem more hopeless with a screaming baby in your arms.

i made two resolutions this year. one is to lose hella weight. the other is to get back in touch with everyone i unintentionally shut out of my life for a year. as soon as my life started getting hectic, what with new baby and moving and surgery and family tragedies and on and on and on, i just either didn't have the time or patience to get online. which meant i left some people hanging that i didn't want to.

ok, i guess my time is up, lucy's crying.