lappy crappity

as soon as my good laptop...broke, i started getting Dell catalogs. it's as if the technology gods are trying to tell me something. the first two laptops i've had were gifts from my parents. the next one i get, i want to pick out myself. i figure since i use my computers so much now, i should be picky about what i get.

so i think the next laptop i get will be a Dell. i'm taking the catalogs as a sign. and really, they look nice. and for a nice price, although i won't be able to afford anything until i get working again (of course). what i've been salivating over today has been the Dell Inspiron E1505. compared to what i've owned, it's just so much better. not the best, but i don't need the best for what i use my computers for. plus i need something affordable.

i've never owned a Dell. i've never used a Dell. but from what i hear, they're pretty good computers and for the prices, i think they should be worth it. good gawd, compared to my old Compaq Presario (what i'm using now, 2GB hard drive and still with Windows Frickin 95 on it), anything would be better.

the jumble that is the jenny

i've been reading and chatting all day. annoyed at my laptop for being old, annoyed at myself for not having a job yet and the money to replace it. i called social services and asked what i needed to do to get child care assistance. first, it seems, i need to apply for something else called TANF that no one even bothered to explain (and, by the sound of the woman's tone, they should have talked to me about it when i applied for my other assistance whatnot). so this is what i think their deal is. they are deliberatly putting me through all these applications and waiting so it takes me longer to get assistance, therefore, they give me less assistance. the fuckers.

i think i won't buy any more soda. i've hooked myself on cherry coke and my weight is...well, it's the reason i need to stop drinking so much of it. less soda, more coffee. or water. soda is too expensive anyhow. i need to lose all this weight. i've grown comfortable with all the extra jenny over the years, but now i think it's high time i get rid of it and become the normal me again. i know i'm under all this fat...somewhere.

i need to pick up a little notebook. this has been my diary...sort of, for awhile now but there's so much i can't write here and i'm sick of keeping up private blogs. it's such a pain, getting online now, anyway. AOL keeps booting me offline, it takes forever to do anything, so back to pen and paper for awhile, aside from the occasional post here now and then. but yeah *writing it down* buy one small journal-type notebook from walmart. and not one with kittens on it or other such nonsense. just a plain black notebook. yeah.

i feel things changing. i WILL see the doctor and get a job and a laptop and a couch soon. how simple that sounds, it's not as if i want the moon. i'm a simple girl, i just want a damn couch and laptop. a cozy place to sit in my own living room and do my online whatnot without my computer being an ASSHOLE. GHAAA. why have these simple things seemed so difficult for me? am i really so stupid and lazy and inept? i managed fine before, on my own.

oh my fuck, you stupid computer, can't you just stop being an asshole long enough for me to finish one post...i wish y'all could see this, i barely even touch the screen and i get these ugly purple and turquoise stripes on the top half of the screen. only ugly because they are covering up what i'm trying to write. DAMNNESS!! *smack* aaaaaaand it's back to normal.

yeah, i have the feeling the screen is about to go.

i can't charge my zen micro now that my other laptop is dead, and this old one i'm on now, it's so ancient it still has Windows 95 on it. so forget installing anything on it, including my zen software. so i've whipped out all the old CD's that i've burned over the years.

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream, you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem, this mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what i told you, don't come around, i got my own hell to raise..."

hah, fiona apple. i haven't listened to her in forever. it's kinda nice. i feel so femenist and rebellious. rawr!

ooooh, and Interpol. i haven't listened to them in about a year. 'Obstacle 1' is a very awesome song, it never fails to put me in a mood. what kind of mood, though. i won't describe it, because fuck, i don't know, haha.

and this song...'Laid' by James. very good. i can listen to it over and over and over (etc) and not get sick of it. "dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me prettyyyyyyy...."

this post has become very stream-of-thought.

and long.

*sigh* ok, i'll spare y'all from more distractedness. and made up words like 'distractedness.' did i even make that up, or is that a real word?

whatever.

my dream...

so, yeah, i realize i just said that i probably wouldn't be posting much lately, but i had a very...long...detailed dream last night and i remember most of it. still, after being awake for hours, i still remember the tiny details, so i might as well write it down...

:: jenny's dream sequence ::

i was at a high school photo shoot for their graduation. i was with my friend (who was only my friend in the dream, i never knew anyone like that in real life) and we were helping out. guys that i remember from high school were hanging out and hitting on the high school girls and getting their pictures taken with them.

after the photo shoot thing, i fell asleep at this house and had a dream about a cowboy trying to sleep in the woods and hide himself so he wouldn't get scalped by an indian (ahem...native american). one found him, but instead of being scared, the cowboy handed the indian a magic sledgehammer and he turned into the tin man from the wizard of oz. then the two of them played hide and seek.

i woke up...and then i don't remember much til i'm on this bus with my aforementioned friend and jared leto (although it wasn't actually jared leto in the dream, it just looked like him). it was like airplane seating, with three across and i was sitting in between the two of them. we all had headphones on and were listening to music. the bus driver stopped the bus and told everyone that she wasn't going anywhere until someone stopped tossing cans of green beans around. i caught some of the cans and stuffed them in my knapsack. jared leto was holding a kitten, and he was moving in all close to me so he could hear what music i was listening to. then i was like, "OH WOW, i just had the weirdest dream last night," and proceeded to tell them the dream about the cowboy and indian.

then we were all at my friends house, i guess she lived with her mom. she was telling leto and i all about her dad, he was a drug dealer and into gangs and all that. her mom pulled up to the house and told her that her dad had just been murdered. she seemed to be relieved and wanted to move away. so the three of us decided to move into the house that i had fallen asleep in earlier.

this was a house that i had dreamed of before, it was three stories, had a giant playroom and the upstairs bedroom was haunted. for some reason i thought it was my grandma's old house even though now that i'm awake i know it's not. i was terrified of the upstairs bedroom, it was evil. i had flashbacks of opening the door and things were flying aroud the room and the lights were really dim. the only light, actually, came from the bathroom at the far end of it.

and that's about all i remember as of yet.

:: end of dream sequence ::

disaster strikes

so my regular laptop (IBM Thinkpad) is dead. officially DEAD and now i'm stuck with just my old one to use until i can afford to buy a new one, and that might be awhile. i started it up the other day and all it did was make this grinding noise and gave me an error message over and over. i could do NOTHING.

my old laptop (Compaq Presario, which i am using now) has SO many problems, and i'm surprised it's stayed on long enough for me to write this and go online to post it. it shuts off at random and freezes like a sunnabitch. i've had it since i graduated high school, so it's pretty old. but at least it's something i can check my email with.

so sad. i live on the computer, so this is uber inconvenient for me, but at least i have this crappy backup for the time being. it's doubtful i'll be online much, other than to check my mail (and even that takes forever, because i'm using dialup w/ AOL and half the time AOL stops responding) so i doubt i'll be updating my blogs much, until i get a nifty new lappy.
blahs.

uptight and antisocial, ughs

i've been in the weirdest moods. up and down, back and forth and sometimes sideways. i think sometimes that i should start drinking again, at least once in awhile. i so miss that happy buzz. and i'd stop being so uptight. i can't stand uptight people. y'all get the corndogs out off your ass and be zen. and when my son accidentally bumps into you while doing spiderman moves in Food Lion, please do not look at me as if i were trash. none of that 'control your child' look, unless you want that 'you need to get laid, old bitch' look.

you got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away, we gotta make a decision, we leave tonight or live and die this way...

i like that song. tracy chapman, i think it's by.

part of my horoscope today says, "Be extra nice to yourself today, even if you feel isolated from others." and i do feel pretty isolated today. i hate being alone. how silly is that. i consider myself antisocial, maybe i'm not so much. man oh man i need to find a job and soon before i go bonkers. i'd rather be surrounded by people and wish i were alone than be all alone and lonely.

like a movie

i feel like i'm someone else watching a movie of some chick with my face, but who is acting like a character in a movie, set in what looks like my life. almost dream-like. i feel a bit removed from things. i want to be more immediate but i live so much in my head, sometimes it's difficult. i've been losing time. i notice there are whole weeks that are like "WTF, where did that time go." it's not that i black out or anything, or forget. i remember everything but...i dunno, i feel like i'm going bonkers sometimes. time is passing way too fast for comfort, maybe that's something that starts happening to everyone as they grow older. it just feels so sudden.

i've decided to have different soundtracks for my different moods. here's the soundtrack for this mood i'm in now:

A Lack of Color by Death Cab For Cutie
City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie
One by U2
Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice
Foolish Games by Jewel
Aint No Sunshine by Bill Withers
April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel

mm hmm. like anyone was interested enough to read that. of course, i don't really care, but i do try to stay somewhat entertaining. doubt it's working, but fuggit.

i think the sexiest word for the butt is "fart box."