weird rollercoaster jenny

yesterday i was about as down as i get. well, close to it. it's weird looking at thursday's post knowing i felt that bad less than 24 hours ago. i feel amazing today. it's one of those fluke good days where i don't much worry about anything and everything feels right. i wish these kinds of days weren't just flukes, but ah well, i'm grateful for what good days i have and everything else...well, fuggit.

davey came home with his report card today. my boy's a friggin genius, i knew that already, but it's nice to have that idea reinforced by his teacher. this was his best report card yet and he knew it. the minute he stepped off the school bus, he started digging around in his backpack to show it to me. stopped right there in the middle of the street to do that, hah, i had to drag him over to the sidewalk so the school bus could drive away.

he's out playing in the front yard now. i'm so happy i actually have a place with a yard now, instead of being in an apartment surrounded by creeps. i was afraid to be outside myself there, in my old apartment, with all the drug busts and shootings, it was rough. but now i'm in my awesome little townhouse with a happy little mini-yard (that i don't have to mow) and a big tree out front (that some dude comes and cuts back every once in awhile). i feel like a spoiled brat. ahhhhhh.

cake

feeling rather yucks. very cranky and nervy. my stomach hurts and everything i've got to do seems like too much for me to handle. i want to crawl in a hole. and i want some chocolate cake. bad.

as soon as i think i'm feeling better, some gray creeps back in and i'm back to where i started. this sucks. i don't even want to think, i just want to shut my brain off and crawl into bed and sleep for a week. but then the more i sit around and mope, the more things pile up around me. i feel like i'm being buried in to-do's that i never have the energy or willpower to get done.

and dammit, i want some cake.

davey's losing his patience with me and vice versa. i say things and hurt his feelings and i don't even realize it, he's such a sensitive kid. and then when i try to apologize, he doesn't want to listen. sometimes he just wants to be mad at me and i don't blame him. if i were him, if i had me for a mom, i'd be pretty mad, too.

*sulking*

i want some cake...

my new label

after a recent discussion with the diggity-dan-man about spirituality, i have decided to look around for a better label for my beliefs (because people seem to like labels). the confusion came in when i stated that i believed in an "afterlife" and the idea that there was more to humans than just the physical. i mean, how could i believe in ghosts if i didn't believe that?

so he asked, "So, how does that fit in with being agnostic?"

and i thought about that. it seemed clear enough to me, but i figured my label of being "agnostic" might be a little confusing. i tried to explain what i believed, but all in all i think i just ended up confusing myself. so i looked to trusty wikipedia for some insight on how to better explain myself next time that question came up, and i believe i found it.

Agnostic spiritualism: the view that there may or may not be a god (or gods), while maintaining a general personal belief in a spiritual aspect of reality, particularly without distinct religious basis, or adherence to any established doctrine or dogma.

so i am an "agnostic spiritualist" now. i mean, i always was, i just didn't have a proper label for it til now. although IMO, it's not as good as the term i came up with yesterday, "optimistic confusion," but it will have to do.

sleepless me & radio.blog updates

i hate this. i thought i was tired, so i real quick-like jotted down whatever poetry was bouncing around in my head, then got ready to go to bed. and man, now i'm wide awake. this happens to me quite often, it's maddening.

so anyways, i figured i had neglected my radio.blog long enough and decided to add a few songs i've been listening to a lot lately. i've just started listening to Death Cab For Cutie and have decided that this is my new happy-music. you know, the kind of stuff that makes you want to hop around and shoot rainbows out of your fingers. i can't get their song 'Soul Meets Body' out of my head..."so brown eyes I hold you near, cause you're the only song I want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere" so go have a listen, it's good stuff.

my grandma's day & other things

went to my nanny's (grandma's) birthday celebration at her church today. i was told, "it won't be a service," but it was, so i was tricked into going to church (i'm agnostic and get a bit annoyed when preached at). ah, well, half of it was people talking about my nanny, so i can overlook having to stand there among the hymn singers and trying not to yawn too loudly.

my nanny is 80 and she's been the organist at her church for 71 years. since she was 9. that's an insane amount of time, also that she's been at the same job at a music store for something like 44 years, and is still working there. it blows my mind, seeing as how nowadays that kind of thing is almost unheard of, with people switching careers at least 2 or 3 times in their lifetime (i think i read that statistic somewhere, i could be way off, but if i'm wrong, feel free not to correct me). and it's such a cool job, working at a music store, surrounded by pianos and guitars and sheet music and such.

ok, onto other things...

i've been feeling rather good lately. like time is reversing itself and i'm regaining my nerve. after i had lived in WA for awhile, i had almost completely climbed out of my shell and overcome most of my shyness and childhood anxieties. but then after moving back here (virginia) two years ago, i started retreating back into myself again. like i had been turned back in to the quiet, friendless 11-year-old version of myself. only this time i have a kid and am expected to act like a responsible adult.

but, anyway, i think things may be a-changin. although, i still think i need to talk to a doctor about it, because depression does run in my family. i need me some drugs. anything that will get rid of that urge to stay in bed all day and cry would be a good thing.

Meh

finding other people's poetry

i found a poem in one of my old books, a love poem, that i did not write. nor do i know who wrote it. i only know that it was written on a page from one of my old notebooks, and the book was bought while i was living in my apartment in WA, so i assume that was where it was written. who was it for? i don't know that either. i don't recognize the handwriting. i had people living with me or over all the time then, occasionally leaving their mental droppings in my poetry notebooks or random scrap papers, so it's really hard to tell. but geez it's intriguing. whoever wrote it was either drunk or completely smitten with someone or both. i have more than a few drunken infatuation poems that i myself have written over the years. but i know 200% that i did not write this one, because...well, i just don't write like that.

i just rediscovered the near-empty journal that dani gave to me before i left WA, with her "love poem for gwyn" on the first few pages. gwyn was one of my nicknames, the poem is for me, and it makes me a little teary because it's so sweet. i feel like i should start carrying this notebook around, now is the time to start filling it up with poems. i feel like i need to live up to her words for me. which feels impossible now, but i think i'll at least try. the journal's got little random quotes on each page, like, "let's ignore our mothers' well-meant advice," and, "she refused to let common sense cloud her judgement." i like that.

the cam, it's gone

after noticing that someone's been refreshing my blog over and over and over (etc) i think it might be worth noting that i took the cam off my blog for awhile. i got sorta sick of being stared at, plus my laptop is getting pretting moody and decides to slow way down when i have my cam program open. so you'll just have to gaze longingly at my picture in the sidebar (hah, i'm such a tard) and cry yourself to sleep. BOOM!

now i'm gonna go make dinner. green eggs and ham, mmm.

a glance at the stats

oh wow. i've just been looking at my stats, and it's funny to see what people are searching for when they stumble upon my blog. here's a few of them, along with my thoughts...

song in silence of the lambs when buffalo bill is getting dressed - what an awesome scene. the song is called 'Goodbye Horses' by Q. Lazzarus.

working at office max - it sucks. but see, i only worked there for like a week before i wigged out and had to quit. that's my problem. but also, working at office supply stores suck. working retail sucks. i hate pretending to be a people person.

blog school nurse needle butt - that sounds like a dream i had once...or...will now have tonight...

fat ass joey - every time i see the name Joey, i think of a baby kangaroo. honestly, i don't think i've ever personally known anyone with the name Joey. so why do i have that in my blog title? that's a long drawn out story about a couple of inside jokes that won't be funny to you because you weren't there, in the moment. unless you are Dani, in which case you were there.

britney spears tied up and gagged - i wonder, is this a fifty year old married man searching for this? personally, i'd like to see that too, but not in a sexual way.

smurfette screensaver - WTF, i don't think i've ever used the word smurfette in any of my posts. how the...

2am and easily distracted

dammit. once again, it is 2am, and i am awake. i have to wake up at 6:30 to get davey off to school. BLAHS. why am i up tonight? well, i was thinking, "hey, maybe i'll get to bed early tonight," since i can't pass back out in bed after davey leaves for school in the morning because freaking social services LOST MY FUCKING PAPERWORK because they don't know how to do their damn jobs.

...there's some jack black ripoff on carson daly...gawd this show sucks monkey nuts...

anyways, what was i saying...aw, yeah. i was going downstairs to shut off the TV and lights and whatnot, and i noticed the carpet was wet. the damn water heater or whatever is leaking. worse than that, it's in a closet where i stored a lot of boxes, so when i went to move them, the bottoms fell out of them because they were soaking wet and now IT'S A FUCKING MESS.

*deep breath*

here's a little poem about the past few nights...

leno, conan
awesome, awesomer
stupid carson
you're not funny
so quit trying.
reruns of
leno, conan
sleepy, sleepier
blissful dreaming
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
aw, fuuuuuck.

i feel a weird mixture of angry and weird and inspired and indifferent. i had a teacher in high school call me that, on my report card. "she appears indifferent." i remember he always seemed to have an erection, or whatever, his pants made that little...tent. he would sit on his desk and lecture, and everyone noticed it and giggled. so really, i wasn't indifferent, i was just distracted.

hey, now a leno rerun is on. that's hella better than carson daly, but i don't want to be awake--WTF just hit the wall??? it's the haunting, ooooh....oh, nevermind, it's davey, i must go check on him...

*checking on davey*

freaking weird, i KNOW i heard him crying, but when i checked on him he was fast asleep. so maybe it was like on blair witch where they thought they heard josh screaming but it wasn't him, it was the blair witch. maybe the centipedes are imitating davey's voice in an attempt to draw me out of my bedroom so they can crawl all over me with their nasty kajillion legs. ghaaa, like the blair centipede.

or maybe i need to go to bed before i write anything stupider...

round two (in my pants)

ok, i did this last year, and i felt like doing it again. yes, it's silly and immature. but it's also fucking funny. the name of the game: IN MY PANTS. don't get excited, now, all's ya do is take any song title and then add the words "in my pants" at the end. such as, the song 'I Am the Walrus' would become 'I Am the Walrus In My Pants.' and the song 'Mama Told Me Not To Come'...well, figure it out ;).

i won't insult my readers' intelligence by adding the endings myself, i'll leave that to you. so here goes...

Wish You Were Here
Classical Gas
You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
Don't Pull Your Love
Papa Don't Preach
White Rabbit
Aint No Sunshine
Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Master of Puppets
When the Children Cry
Man In the Box
Milk It
Hidden Place
Glory Box
Peek A Boo
Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'
Squeeze Box
The Kids Are Alright
Running With the Devil

feel free to add your own in my comments. you know you want to.

the haunting of jenny

i've never seen one. but i keep an open mind about ghosts, because hey, it's fun to believe. and no one wants to just stop existing when they die, and i don't really believe that happens. i want the opportunity to haunt the everloving shiznit out of someone when i die.

so ok, to my point. i was on the phone yesterday talking to my mom, standing in the middle of the dining room, half listening and half just spacing off and staring at my car out the kitchen door window. my skateboarding kermit the frog antenna topper slays that much, i'm tellin ya.

i felt a POKE on my back near my neck, and spun around like WTF, and nothing was there. not davey, and really, i don't know if he's even tall enough to reach. no wall to bump into. nothing. there was pressure behind this, not like a blood vessel thingy, this really felt like a finger jabbing me in the back.

so i let me mom listen to me wig out for a few minutes, let her go so i could do the dishes and hung up the phone. before going into the kitchen, i heard someone knocking on my door. davey said he heard the doorbell, but i heard knocking. he might've just been confused, i don't know. i was in a strange state and was having trouble comprehending that there was no one at my door. or either of the neighbors' doors, for that matter, which i sometimes mistake for mine. but nada, no one.

so, yeah, let that go, although i was rather befuddled and had a bit of the heebeejeebees, and i went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and start dinner. i have this little violin magnet on the fridge, that when you touch the bow to the strings over and over, it plays out a song. without being touched, it let out one long note and stopped when i turned around. i stared at it a second and it started playing Ode to Joy really fast. so i threw in onto the kitchen table and it stopped until a few minutes later, when davey wandered over to stare at it, which is when it belted out a lighting fast rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

then, while i was trying to remain calm and finish the dishes, i hear this loud POP right next to me. it sounded as if someone had one of those snack size bags of chips and squeezed it til it popped. but like hell if i could find what it was. and not only did i hear it once, i heard it twice. both right beside of me. i left the dishes for later, man, that was just NUTS.

so...fuck, not only do i have centipedes, i have a poltergeist.

i wonder if they make a Raid for that...

random thoughts

first ten thoughts to pop into my head:

1. joan rivers' face is scary and inanimate.
2. brown sugar, sweet onion, mccormick chicken seasoning...remember this until you write it down...oh look, i just wrote it down.
3. if more women knew the secret of excruciatingly tight pigtails, there would be less women getting facelifts.
4. my scalp hurts.
5. i think i had a dream about beaded curtains.
6. toss me a cigarette, i think there's on in my raincoat, we smoked the last one an hour agooooo....
7. i'm turning into my mom. i watch soap operas, spend all my time on the computer, drink too much coffee and smoke like a chimney. all i need to do now is shrink five inches and get a perm.
8. i want a copy cat, like the one on the Staples commercial. >^oo^< meow.
   
9. why can't the radio station here play any old Nine Inch Nails songs. it's just the new Hand That Feeds song, what is up with that. not that it's not a good song, but it's played too much. throw in some old stuff. also, stop playing the redneck morning radio show, it makes me want to vomit acid through my nose.
10. i like cupcakes.

happy day, and i hate generic shampoo

today, i am happy.

yeah, even though i woke up too late to make a crock pot dinner (how fucking lazy am i) and broke a light bulb on the kitchen floor (which is more than annoying, but i love to hear that popping glass sound ever since working at GE), it is a good day.

because, centipedes, i bought some mofo Raid, so yo' ass is grass.

another thing. i recommend no one who wants to save money buy anything of the generic Food Lion brand. their stuff is not only worse, you have to use more than you would with the name brand. so there is no good deal there.

• example #1: i bought their generic brand shampoo and conditioner, which said "compare to the ingredients of Pantene." well, i'm sure they used less of said ingredients and added a lot of water or something, because the shiznit left my hair in tangles, and i had to use more and now i'm out already. had i actually went ahead and bought the Pantene in the first place, i'd still have half to two thirds of the bottles left. it's insanity. but it's ok, because i just bought some coconut Sauve shampoo & conditioner, so i will now smell like a coconut from head to toe.


• example #2: their laundry detergent is too thin and smells like dish soap. i dunno, it may be dish soap, passed off as laundry detergent. but it sucks. again, had to use twice as much.
  

• example #3: their dish soap also sucks. same senario, had to use twice as much. the crappity seems like it's just blue water with a drop of dish soap in it.

so bite my ass, Food Lion brand. don't get me wrong, it's a good store, their produce kills Wal Mart's to pieces. but...ok, i just spent way too much time bitching about that, i'm so lame.

why am i so cheap?

oh, yeah. BECAUSE I'M SO BROKE.

weekend whatnot

such a pretty day today. i heard kids playing outside so the world doesn't seem so deserted. popped open all the windows even though everything is in bloom and making my eyes water with allergy. i actually made something for dinner, not out of a box, mind you, that davey likes. i've been unpacking more and more (agghh, i know, i've been here almost four months and i'm not done unpacking) so my living room almost looks like...a living room.

some of the boxes i'm going through i haven't opened since i was young, these were things that have always been stored in the back of my parents' garages throughout the years. things from when i was like, 10 and younger. little glitter pink sweaters and white church dresses. sickening. but i did find an old gremlins sweatshirt from when i was maybe 7 or 8 that fits davey, and he's been wearing it since yesterday, even though it's getting warm out. it's weird, i remember wearing it, and now it's on my son. i feel a little old.

it doesn't help matters that i found another gray hair while eating dinner at my parents' house. and yes, it came from my head. that's just not fair, i am too young for that shiznit.

i'm glad i've had all week to spend more time with davey (he's been on spring break) but now i'm looking forward to monday when i watch him take off on the bus and i have the house to myself again. at least for a little bit. i'm thinking as soon as he leaves for school i'm gonna get off my fat ass and dig out one of my old exercise videos. if i become any more inanimate, i'll take root. i figure since the diet didn't seem to work, the exercise might. i know, it might actually work to do the diet and exercise AT THE SAME TIME, but fuck, people, that's just too much torture to do all at once.