Thoughts, Nonsense, Neurosis, Boom

Sunday, July 09, 2006


i've been thinking about death lately, ever since i got the booklet from my health plan. there's a section about living wills and such and whether or not you have or plan to make one. and i thought about this. everyone thinks they have all this time to do things like that, but no one really knows how much time they have. i realize i'm young and (hopefully) will not have to worry about this for a long time, but in the off chance that something happens to me, i want to spell things out now and have things my way. because that's how i like things. my way.

just thinking beyond the living will (i still haven't decided to do this yet, as it would require talking to my family about it and that just seems weird right now), i'm already planning out where i want to be buried, which is just morbid. somewhere in the shenandoah valley, preferably harrisonburg because that's where i live and that's where some of my family is buried. a cemetery that has the big kind of headstones (not the flat kind that you can just mow over, which is the case in the cemetery my family uses). and under a willow tree. i like willow trees. i remember when i visited my nanny and pawpaw when i was little, i would get so excited when i saw the willow tree, because that means we were there. if there's no willow tree in the cemetery in the first place, i want one planted.

but in the case of the living will itself, that will take much more thought. it's one thing to plan out things that happen to my body after death, but another thing entirely to decide what should happen to me while i'm still alive and unable to have a say-so. i think if i were brain dead and hooked up to machines, i would want to be unplugged. it gives people false hope and it's expensive to leave someone hooked up like that when it's hopeless. and rather than waste the money on keeping my body alive, it would be nice to have a kickass grave stone and a little iron fence around it (and the tree) instead. plus, there's still the possibility of an afterlife. if the only thing keeping me from moving on was a stupid machine, i think i might be more than a little pissed.

things to think about i guess. i can always make one now and change it later, if i ever change my mind. it's just a weird subject to bring up around family, though. but there's no getting around talking to them about it if i decide to do this.

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